BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West


Total Train Wreck

So this weekend was pretty much a train wreck in the single life world.  This is why I'm totally envious of married people.  They don't know the stuff us single people have to put up with.

Anyway, Saturday night I went to a party and it was like... An alright party, but then this guy who I thought was just being friendly... basically started not letting up on his friendliness.  He started following me around.  And then kind of OVERLY laughed at my jokes.

I was like... Okay. I KNOW what's going on here.

Then he like gave me an awkward "Can I give you a hug just because?"

I was like... no thanks.

He did anyway.

The line was drawn when he like kind of patted me on the back, but not in a "bro" way, it was like... Hand resting and then kind of lingering there for a second.  And then I was just like... Yeah this is totally awkward.

See my plan was just to kind of... try to avoid him as much as possible once I figured out what was going on.

I didn't want to just be like... "Sooo you know I'm straight right?"

Because how embarrassing is that for someone who's gay?

I feel like a gay person to get it wrong has to be THE most embarrassing thing ever.

Especially because other people started noticing it at the party.  Which was about the time when I was like... "Yawn!  Well, will you look  at the time!"

And I took off.

I also didn't really want the confrontation of being like... I'm not into you because I like women.  And then have to deal with an upset person being all pouting for the rest of the night.

It was a lot of pressure.

I just wanted to kind of be nice and make my exist unnoticed.

Which to me was the best way to handle it.

Of course as I was leaving he was like... "So, you should come back later and..."

I was like no.  "I won't be back later... Sorry."

He was also just really really drunk.

To be fair, the party theme was woodstock and I made the mistake of wearing a festive looking shirt.

So really it was kind of my fault I guess because maybe the shirt give him the wrong idea.  You know?

Obviously, as a guy, women don't hit on men.  So, I don't know how to play that whole body language game to show that you're not into someone.

I see it ALL the time in bars though... Which, after Saturday night, is totally a lot clearer to me now.

It's funny because I USED to think women were just being "mean" or "rude".

It must be really hard for a woman to go out to a bar or club.  I mean, so let's say you DO want to meet someone...

Just like I want to meet someone.  SO, I go out to parties that I get invited to... and then, ugh.  Here's this guy totally with the wrong idea and now I have to figure out a way to TELL him I'm not interested because I'm straight, or... Just kind of avoid him until I leave.  Because if I TELL him, he'll probably get all upset and then things get really awkward and weird and then everyone TOTALLY knows because it was embarrassing as hell because here I am a straight guy attracting a gay guy.

And then I'm like... Did I DO something to bring this on?  Did my woodstock looking party themed shirt seem to indicate a secret signal that the LGBTQ community uses to signify to one another "hey, we're a go for launch over here".

Was it my fault?

Obviously I should have just said something as SOON as I figured it all out.

But by then it was like... SOOOO embarrassing for me and now for him because he's going to be in a spot where he was trying to go for something that wasn't "go"-able.

It just wasn't a fun situation all around.

Anyway it's over now, and he went his way and I went mine.

But the experience and uncomfortableness of it, totally gave me insight into some of the circumstances that women must go through.

This brings me to Sunday... So, I went on another first date, Bumble.

Actually, it was a nice date, I mean we chatted and drank coffee, at the end of the date she was like, if you want to do something again I'm down, and then she was like, feel free to send me your number over Bumble.

SO I did that.

She hasn't responded yet.

Previously I would have maybe been like... "Hey, SOOOO... You seemed interested... on the date.... But now there's no response..."

After what happened on Saturday night, hey, if she doesn't respond, she doesn't respond.

Because maybe she wasn't interested on the date at all, and maybe she even said what she said because she was afraid of an embarrassing moment, or because if she told me she wasn't interested... I might get upset or any number of things.

Which kind of makes me think though, I mean... How many times do women just be nice to a guy just because they don't want to have to deal with the whole aftermath of being truthful.

I kind of think it happens a lot.

Which is crazy.

It must though.

I mean, obviously I felt so embarrassed and weird about just telling that guy the truth and instead I just tried to avoid him and leave the party, which I eventually just did leave.  I may have stayed longer if he wasn't there and the situation wasn't happening.

How many times have women left bars, or parties because some guy was making them uncomfortable?

Probably a lot.

My thing now is, like for example when I was trying to talk to the crush at camp...

Did she totally feel uncomfortable?


So, when we were on the bus out on town the one night, there was a situation where she paid the tab for someone who skipped out on the bill.

I then said to her... "I'll buy you a drink at the next bar!  You're next drink is on me!"

And, you know, in my mind, it was one of two ways... It was partly just being friendly and being like... Hey, that was nice of you to pay it forward, I'm going to cover you.

But she knew that wasn't the only case.  She could tell the way I looked at her from across the room sometimes because as much as I don't want to admit it... She caught me more than once.

And of course I'd look at away and feel stupid.

I mean, I had a crush on her, and so, sure, I mean... I knew I was doing it, and in a way, I didn't want to... But I did.

So when I said it, she just kind of turned her back to me on the bus and sort of said "no you don't have to do that".

And her body language was just like... Pretty clear.

SO I mean, after that at the next place, I just avoided her.  I really just avoided her the rest of the night.  And really I kind of avoided her pretty much until the night that we crossed paths and the whole sleeping bag incident happened.

I really just tried to avoid her the rest of the time I was there.

Because I didn't want to be that person who made things awkward or embarrassing because I couldn't pick up on the signal or hint.

I mean, also, she was already with someone else, which I didn't know at the time that I offered the drink.

Anyway, so then I bought a drink at the next place for someone else...

Which, she kind of gave me a look like, she was genuinely thankful.

And that was a whole other ball of wax.

My thing with her was that I didn't think she could possibly like me.  I mean, not that I thought the crush could like me either.

Not that I think anyone at camp could like me.  I'm not there as a full summer staff member.  I'm older... Which is my initial thing.

I'm 35.

It's awkward.

Who wants to date a 30 something guy when you're in your 20s?

Especially the one girl I bought the drink for... I mean, she's like... I THINK 22.

I'm 13 years older than her.

SURE, I totally would have given her a chance and been interested in her...

But, I guess I felt weird about the age difference.

And I mean, I feel the same now about it with the crush.  But obviously I had a crush and when you're in a crush, it's blinding.

At the time it was no good.

ANWAY... To wrap up.  It's been more train wreckness.

Obviously camp was a bit of a hot mess too.

It's all a hot mess when you're single.

Because people don't just say what's on their mind.  And most of it is out of fear of how that other person will react.  Or what they are really thinking.

Just like, I didn't know what the girl I bought the drink for was thinking.  She might have just been like... "Oooh, free drink!"  Or she might have been like... "Does he like me or think I'm cute?"

To which the answer is... Yes, she is cute, and kind of dig her, yeah... And if I hadn't have had the stupid crush on the other girl, I would have probably maybe talked to her more.  C'est la vie.

I mean, that's the problem with it all.  I don't know if maybe the date I went on Sunday, she might just have not gotten my last message.

Or maybe she really wasn't interested just like I wasn't interested in the dude that was trying to make some mistaken move.

It would be SOO much easier if we could all just read each other's minds.

See married people have it all, they don't have to worry about all this nightmare.

Because in way they do read one another's minds.  They know each other really well, and they can kind of predict what each other is thinking.

When you don't know the person that well, you can't tell.

And unless you just say things you're thinking... No one can know.  Of course the problem with just saying things sometimes is people are like... "Wait WHAT?"

And then you're just like... See, I was better off just keeping that to myself.

It's just awkward in general being single.


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I signed up for an 8K.  I'm also signed up for a 5K.

I wanted to try and run a little more than 5K, but I'm definitely no where near that level, and I may never be, of running 10 or 20 or 900K races.

But I'll run an 8K.  It's an easy run I think because it's slightly different from most other runs.  It's a trail run through vineyards...

SO, I'll just be off roading it through a bunch of vines... And at the end of it I get a glass of wine!

I think it will be a lot of fun.  I still don't have real running shoes or shorts... But it's fine. I don't mind running in what I run in.  I like it.  I guess I've always just run in that so I'm used to it!

Apparently the vineyard runs are actually pretty popular.  There's a lot of beer runs... But I found a map of all the wine runs and there's a ton of those too.  If I like this run, I'll have to look into doing more!


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Hmmm... So...

Things are just weird right now.

Let me explain...

So, obviously there's the whole thing from camp where I couldn't go to bed the one night because... Some people had borrowed my items while I was trying to, as Alliey puts it... "Be a bro".

No one from camp reads this blog, but they ALL read my Facebook.

And not only do they read it... As I found out today, they talk about it all over camp.

Which is... Kind of interesting?  Unexpected?

I guess in my mind it was like... I left camp, so why would anyone care what I had to say... Or Facebook status about.

People would read it, roll their eyes, and go about their day.


I guess that's not the case.


Anyway, so in the last 2 days I was getting calls about someone wanting basically for me to house someone because I have a house with 4 bedrooms.

Which I don't want to do for various reasons...

A whole lot of reasons.

But the thing was just like, that it made me feel anxious and like displaced.

Just like I felt when I couldn't slumber the one night at camp.

Anyway... So, I posted about it.

But I posted about in a way that kind of made one of the people involved at camp feel embarrassed.

So, I had to kind of apologize to her.

See... My post was along the lines of kind of sort of... Referring to her as Goldilocks.

See, since what happened was basically I was trying to be a "bro" for someone else... That's when my stuff was borrowed.

Now, I never mentioned it, previously but in the post I basically said how the one person had said the reason why my stuff was borrowed was because "I wasn't there".

So, I kind of drew parallels to Goldilocks... Because the 3 bears weren't there either when she decided to use their stuff and fall asleep on their bed.

I think I guess I just thought it was more coincidental that it was a little similar to that.

But it wasn't funny because she heard about it and was embarrassed by the post.

Anyway... So I took the post down and she's been apologized to.

I'm now watching stranger things and they just said a line that's super relevant...

"Can't seem to erase our mistake, but we can stop it from spreading, like pulling weeds."

Here's my thing, will pulling the post and apologizing make the chatter go away?

Or will people still be talking about it tomorrow, 2 days from now, a week from now.

It's kind of like once you put something out there, it kind of is out there.  You can't erase it.

People remember stuff.

So now it's out there.

I guess we'll see if anything comes from it.  Hopefully not... Otherwise I'd feel super terrible about it all.

Only time will tell.

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Weekly Things

So, I've decided that I like it best when I have things to do in the evening.  I don't mind a night or two home to do things around the house.

Sometimes I have to catch up with the cats and cleaning and yard work.  But I like going out to events and things.

So, my plan is to try and have things to do most nights.

Running club is fun.  I like open mic, I haven't played yet but I plan to play next week or the week after.  There's Science After Hours once a month.  I have the Kesha concert next month.

I think what I've realized is that while it would be great to be in that crowd of people who have found someone and settled down and what have you... "beyond the party scene".  You can't make it happen.  You can't will it into happening.

But the problem also has been because I want that and I'm NOT getting it... I then get frustrated, and it came out in Facebook and then everyone who knew me was like... "Well I'm not going to be friends with that guy".

And then I don't have love OR friends.

Since you can't make love happen or predict it, it happens when it happens... Might as well make friends.  Unlike finding love, friends are generally easy to find.  As long as you go to a regular group or event or meeting or organization... Anything that creates a place for people to gather...

You can make at least one friend, because conversation is almost impossible to avoid.  It happens no matter what really.

Sometimes it starts by just actually physically bumping into someone.

If you keep seeing them, you can't help but talk.  It might start with accidentally opening the door and then accidentally kind of bumping them with the door and then you apologize.

Then they say, no no, it's okay.

And then you kind of keep talking.  Or even if you stop talking.  The next week, you have that memory of that's the person that you accidentally opened the door on.

It's kind of just there.

It's a little like at camp how I tried to avoid everything and just go to bed only to find...

I had no bed.

And then the girl I had the crush on apologized to me on behalf of what happened...

So even though I was trying to avoid even talking to her...

Sometimes, it's unavoidable.

Sometimes you can't control it even if you try to avoid it all.

Life is like that.

I feel like that's how love will happening eventually, no matter how much I try to make it happen with someone, it will always go wrong if that's how it's supposed to go.

On the flip side no matter how much you try to avoid it... It will just end up so that things keep on happening that to keep you talking and keep you together.

For example again, the camp crush... I thought she was super cool and liked her a lot... Found out she was totally into someone else...

Tried to avoid her, still ended up talking to her more...

But now that I'm out of camp, the talking has ended.  So lucky for me, those rush of crush feelings are subsiding now.


Took a while longer than I thought it would but I'm definitely feeling less of what I felt back at camp.

Which is good.

Because who wants to be into someone who isn't into them?

No one.

Obvoiusly though the point is if in some universe I was SUPPOSED to keep talking to her... I'd be talking to her right now.

I'm not.

So... I'm not supposed to be.

That's the point I'm trying to make.

Things happen when they happen and no matter how much you try to make it happen or not happen...

You can't control it.

But what you can control is the part where you just don't sweat it... Because no one else likes that.

So, basically... My plan is to not worry about love or any of that stuff and just to keep busy, make friends, and keep going to events most nights of the week.

Just have fun, and enjoy.

I'm single, I live alone, and I have no big time responsibilities besides the cats and the house.

Might as well just enjoy my 30s and have some fun and have cool things to do in the evenings.

And when things happening, they happen, and nothing I can do to avoid it will matter because love will find a way like it or not.

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Cutting Losses

So, I think I've decided to just kind of cut losses with anyone who has known me prior to now.

Here's the thing, when you first meet someone who you have no previous history with on this planet... You get a clean slate.

It's awesome.

You don't know each other, so they have no reason to really be for or against you.

It's just like... "Oh, hey what's up!"

New people!  Yay.

Obviously the problem with people you've known is that if you went through a not great part of life or whatever, or even if they just decided hey we don't like you... Trying to fix that?

Good luck.

I kind of feel as though it's not worth the work to try and win people over or convince them to like me back or again if they liked me before but changed their mind.

It's just so much easier to consider it a loss.

Here's the thing... There's BILLIONS of people on this planet!  There's SOOO many people that everyone will never even meet and never even know before their time is up here...

Why waste that on trying to fix and make good with some small group of a couple hundred or a couple dozen people.

It's just not worth it, to me at least...

So, like for example, people in running club and at camp have decided not to like me because of my Facebook statuses...

And some people have unfriended me.

Now, here's what I've decided... I'm basically not going to post very much and I'll kind of filter the content I post to make my life look like a non-stop rockstar party and like I'm super happy-go-lucky all the time.

It's a bit like selling yourself as a product.  No one wants to see flaws or anything wrong.  They want to see... "YAY!!!  I LOVE LIFE!  HAPPY HAPPPY JOY JOY!!!"

So... I'll sell that.  Hey, why not?

Actually who ever got anything constructive out of being negative ever?  No one wants to be friends with negative people.  No one wants to buy your social media product if you aren't happy.

So... I'll sell that.

Now, who am I selling it to?  People of my past are considered a loss.  I'm not going to waste time trying to win a customer back that didn't like my stuff previously.  I'm not going to go through all that time and effort to convince someone "oh look, things are new and improved!"

No one ever forgets the past.

It's just how it is.

So, I mean hey, if someone comes around on their own... I'm okay with that.  If someone changes their mind and sends me a friend request?

I'd accept it.

I don't have a problem with that.

I'm just saying, I'm not really going to consider that will ever happen.  And with soooo many new people I've never met before to friend request and have it be a positive experience?

I just think that's a better way to go.

So, camp and running club are just like... Hey, I may be still associated with these things... But I'm not going to expect any new Facebook friend requests coming my way from these social circles.

Maintain the ones that have stuck, and just sort of mind the people who are there but decided to unfriend me.

I'm not going to try and change their mind.

I'll focus on new people if they show up in these social circles, and if not, again, it's a loss.

Right now I'm looking for new social circles and places to find more friends and new friends.

That's my goal... I've rebranded my Facebook and the statuses will be 100 percent happy frappy and friend worthy.

Just have to find customers now.  Now that I have the product up and running... Just have to find people to friend.

I'm considering becoming a member of Science After Hours just because I know there's people who go to that over and over again, so that might be a good place to try and run into familiar faces and make a new friend.

I found a new open mic I like.  So I'll be a regular at that.

I want to maybe join a book club, and run some 5K races... I KNOW that the same people run lots of 5K races because one of my friends does a lot of them and she said she sees a lot of the same people over and over again.

It's about seeing people over and over again and then just starting a conversation with them and then eventually dropping that... "You want to friend up on Facebook?" line.

They might say no... But, that's why you keep looking for more people.

Right now my goal is just to find that next friend request acceptance.

So, I just keep going out to events and things and just keep talking to new people.

It's all about new people... And maybe after a few minutes the person kind of is like... Well it was good chatting.

Hey, that's a bad lead then.  Move on to the next.  That person is now in your past.  SOOO many new people out there to meet.

I would guess I've only met maybe 50 to 100 thousand people in my entire life that I've ACTUALLY had a conversation with.

Remember there are BILLIONS of people on this planet!  Why am I going to waste time trying to convince people I knew to be friends with me again?

The cost to reward is just too low.  You put 10 times the effort into something that might never be when you can just start a new casual conversation with someone and be way more likely to get that friend request and be like... Yo this guy is cool... Kind of deal.

Because we have no history and no reason for the person to hate.

Cut the losses... Find new people.  That's what I say.  Because there's ALWAYS going to be new people.

You don't think there will be, but there is.  There's always new people that come into your life.  And hey, maybe that's why some people leave your life... To make room for new friendships.

After all, I'm pretty sure there is actually a limit to the number of Facebook friends that someone can have.  It's like 5 thousand or something.  So, if I didn't have people unfriend me and if I were actually friends on Facebook with everyone I had known from schooling, working, life, organizations, clubs, etc etc... I'd definitely be getting pretty close to that limit for sure by now.

But for now my goal is to get my friends list back up to 500.  I'm still at 444, so really my first goal was to get people to stop un-friending me.  I think that's been successful.  So now my next goal is to do the friend thing.

But with new circles... Because the old ones are pretty much considered a loss at this point.  Cut the losses and move on to a new town.  It's not worth trying to fix old stuff, they only remember how you used to be, new people can't remember how you used to be because they didn't know you back then, they only know the new and improved awesome you.

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So, maybe I'm just at the point in life where I've kind of gotten bored.

Which is possible.  I mean, most of my peers are all married and having babies and are drowning in debt trying to make ends meet...

And I have a trust fund in Beverly Hills that sends me regular direct deposits.  And no kids, and no mortgage.

But I'm single.  No significant other.  I've tried every which way to locate her... She's yet to be found.

Which is okay... it's REALLY hard to find something if you don't know where it is!

So, I have a new something to do.  My latest thing is that I want to get friend request on Facebook.  Or just send them and get people to accept them.

It's weird, I sent a handful of Facebook friend requests to some of the people at camp after I left and not a single one responded to any of them.  In FACT, someone I know unfriended me after I left.

We'd been friends for like 8 years at least.

I think something is up.  Someone must be talking about me behind my back.

Eh, I mean, it's fine, camp is such a small circle of people anyway, there's WAY more people out in the world.  I mean, there's BILLIONS of people to make new friends with.

Camp has like... A hundred people not including the campers?

Not that I'm saying I don't care about the people up there...

But, you can't really do much if people won't respond to your friend requests and people unfriend you.

I'm friends with the people who are friends with me, or people who knew my mom.  And those are the people who matter.

The way I see it, people who don't want to be friendly towards you, shouldn't matter to you.

Yes, that sounds mean... But the idea is... Don't waste effort on people who don't reciprocate.

You know?

Obviously there's that standard of just being nice to everyone, but I'm not going to worry about people who don't care.

You worry about the people who are still there.

So, I'll worry about everyone on my Facebook friends list... And just be nice to everyone who's not.

Anyway, so my new thing now is to find new organizations with new people to meet, and friend request.

That's basically my goal now.  I just want to see how many people I can friend request.

Like I said... I'm bored.

It's what happens when you're single and 35.

So, here's my plan.  I want to find new organizations... Like for example the running club that I go to.  The thing about running club though is, it's a lot of the same people.  And I'm pretty much already friends with the people I'm friends with, and the ones who don't want to be friends... Again, same situation... I'm not friends.

I need new blood.

So, I need to find some kind of new organization or club to join with people who might have Facebook accounts.

Then I need to cozy up to them and be super nice and cool, and eventually figure out a way to find out their Facebook, or if they even have one... And add them.

I'd like to find some kind of organization to volunteer at maybe once or twice a month....

Or joine a kickball league.

Or start just going to the same open mic on a weekly basis.

Something where it's recurring and the same people.  Preferably weekly.

I might just find a place that has trivia and keep going over and over and over.  People tend to do the same trivia every week.

But the problem with trivia is that people stay with their teams, it's hard to get that mixing of groups.

That's the whole problem with meeting people... Is that mixing and cliques.

I need to find an event where people gather, they do some task together in groups, but the groups are broken up and merged back together.  So you can't just stay with the same people all the time.

I'm thinking of trying to find something on

I THINK there's probably something on there that would work.

Something that meets weekly and it's a group of people and you do activities or tasks together that foster conversation.

I suppose if I wanted to make Facebook friends fast I could do it the easy way.

It was never hard to meet people when I went to all the plethora of churches that I went to back in the day when I was trying to get a certain someone's attention.

And then I ended up meeting all these other people.

Which was cool and all, but the problem is... Obviously, it's not cool to go to church if you're not there because of a belief that you're passionate about.

After all, Jesus wasn't like... "And the pointeth of thy to gather is to maketh friends to add to thy Facebooks.  Go forth and friend request thy neighbor."

So, let's just say that's my Plan Z backup plan.

When all other friendships fail... There's always Christians, they're always right there and willing to be anyone's friend.

Let's just say I want to try all the other avenues first.

SO, that's my plan... To find some people to add to my Facebook.

Plan two will be to get them to like or comment on a status.

But, let's not get TOO far ahead of ourselves with this plan.

That's really step 3 I think... I feel like step 1 is to just FIND people in the first place to chat up.  Then step 2 is to inquire as to if they have a Facebook.

Step 3 then is to get that add...

Okay so step 4 would be to post some sort of status that they would "like" or comment on.

Then once I get that... I have no idea what happens after that...

BUT... I'll think about that when I get to that point.

Obviously I would just kind of keep being friends with them, I guess... I'd just ALSO try to find new ones.

And then when I get bored of that, I'll start some new task.

Anyway, right now I have 444 friends... My current challenge is that I want to get that number to 500.

SO, I have 56 people that I need to find and friend request.

I feel like that's doable.  Especially if I find some sort of large social thing.  I mean, I picked up a good 10 or so people just from going to yoga.

It's about finding some common place... Some kind of organization or club or hangout spot.

I might get a part time job, not because I care about the money, but just because I can then break into that circle of friends.

Like, I've noticed that people who work at bars all seem to hang out together at the end of the night.

Or, there's always taking some kind of class.  I was thinking of taking another acting class maybe, or another comedy improv class.

Anyway, I have a lot of options and choices.

56 friend requests is my goal.  And some likes and comments.

My first goal really is just to find new people who don't know me at all and know nothing about me previously... Just brand new brand new people... And then figure out how to befriend them and become friends on Facebook with them.

For now, I just need to post a whole boatload of funny and cozy and warmhearted and cute status updates so that when I DO go to friend request them... They will read back through them and be like... "Awwwwweeee... These status updates are so fun!"

That's my current goal in life right now.  Hey, like I said... I'm 35, single, no real responsibilities beyond just my regular 9-5 job and my cats and house... I've gotta keep myself entertained somehow!

Well, for now I'm off to bed.  Maybe it will come to me in my dreams of the perfect place to find people to friend request.


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The Second Thing

I kind of feel like Clay from 13 Reasons Why right now.  I mean, okay not really, like not that... Okay not at all.

But here's the thing... Well, it's the second thing...

I'm still thinking about that crush.  Last night, she was in my dream.... Okay, stop, not like that... She actually was telling me how much she wasn't interested in me.

I think she's starting to fade though.  I mean, I feel like she's not.  Well, if she weren't popping into my dreams to tell me she's not interested... Then... She would be fading.

Although she never actually TOLD me she wasn't interested... At least with words... She just said it with body language.

She said it LOUD and clear with her body language.  SOOOO many times.

Also, she kind of is with someone else... Soo you know how it goes.

Anyways, that's not the second thing...

The second thing is this...

Her and I aren't friends.  We're not friends on social media.  We don't talk.  We barely spoke at camp, this year, last year, the year before...

I don't know, it's pretty obvious that the crush is pointless and not mutual in any capacity.

It's PAINFULLY obvious.

Again, not the point.  I realized this which is why I'm purposely trying not to think about her.

Anyways... Here's the second thing... I feel like Clay because it's like she's a ghost, at least to me.

Like, I can't really contact her, that would be awkward and I would have no real reason to or way to really do it without it being... Just freakin' weird.

Anyway, that's the point.  In 13 Reasons Why Clay keeps being reminded of Hannah... And... You guessed it, I keep being reminded of camp crush girl...

She doesn't know it.  And, I think I'd prefer to keep it that way.

But, it's like that, Just like Clay can't talk to Hannah, I can't talk to her.  I legitimately and honestly miss just seeing her around, I miss even just the casual hey what's up...

It's stupid...

Right?  Of course it is.


So, I've kind of started doing what I do best in this situation...

A) I started another book.  Yep.  You heard right. And guess who the muse is... Camp crush girl.  Hey, it's what I do best.  I like a girl I can't have, and instead, I make her into a fictional character.  It's happened before and... It's happening again.

B) I want to travel to Portland, Oregon.  Why?  Because that's where she's from.  I know, it sounds kind of foolish, but, I did this before.  I made trips to... you guessed it, Northern NJ... while I was writing book number one.

Why would I do something so strange and obviously fool hearted?

Because, A) it's good inspiration for the book... But B) it's.... Well, just like the first time it happened, I had this theory that I people from a specific area are similar.

It's a stupid theory.

People from a specific area are not similar... I mean, sometimes they have the same accent... Or some specific qualities that might be somewhat similar...

For the most part, they aren't the same people.  Obviously, you can't just go to an area where someone is from and find a duplicate copy of the person you like.  And who's to say the second person you meet would like you anyway?

Sounds crazy right?

That's because it is.

See, here's the thing, there's actually science to back up that when a guy likes a girl, he can't think straight.

Go ahead and look it up.  When a guy is taken with a woman... It jumbles his thoughts.  It's true.

That's what happens to me.  It's kind of the ultimate why I can't end up with someone I like.  Because of the catch 22, when I like someone, I can't think when I'm around her.

When you don't like someone all that much, you think perfectly clear.

Weird, but true.

Anyway, so, that's my second thing... As I watch another episode of 13 Reasons Why... I just think about camp crush girl and how there's no possible way to ever contact her, or have it ever be anything more than me, thinking about someone, who will never be in my life in any capacity other than a casual hello if she returns to camp again and I return to camp again.

I do know that she's going back to Portland after camp, but I have no interest in traveling to Portland to find her...

I do have interest in traveling to Portland to do book research and to possibly meet someone...

Not like her though.  Here's my thought, I think, there's a reason why, not 13 of them, but just one... I think there's a reason why I developed this crush...

Okay maybe 2 reasons why.  Reason 1, to write this book, and reason 2, to travel to Portland... Possibly to meet someone else.

Hey, you never know.

But that's where I'm at now.  That's the second thing.


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The One Thing

So... This is probably weird.  Or not.

I mean, It probably is, and by probably, I mean, it is.  TOTALLY.  But I'm just going to pretend it's not.  And I'm TOTALLY safe from it being weird.... As long as she never reads it.

And let's be real, the odds of her finding and knowing about my blog, and reading it, are next to none.  Soo...

I'm pretty safe from it ever being weird!

Or at least, pretending it's not weird.

It's weird though for sure.

Anyway, so, my two weeks at camp this year were definitely not the usual run of the mill deal.


See previous posts.

But hey, I'm back home and back to my usual stuff...

Every now and then though, I think of something, one very specific thing.  And I KEEP thinking of it.

Like, it keeps popping up in my mind.  Why?  I don't know.  It just does.

It's just this reoccurring thought.

You want to know what it is?

It's this one night I was in the main office working on things on my laptop... Actually, to be exact, it was the night after I didn't sleep.

It was the night that I was approached by the one I had a crush on and she apologized for what happened.

Not that I'm really clear as to why she apologized because it's not like she really had anything to do with it and it wasn't her fault.

Like, she was "part of it" but not because of her own doing.  She just got intertwined into it accidentally just like I did accidentally.

She didn't plan any of it, we just ended up crossing paths at the same time for whatever reason and things just happened the way they happened.

Anyway, that's not the one thing.

So, we're in the office eating these "All Dressing" potato chip, which are amazing by the way, and this was right around the time that she approached me to say "Thanks for being a bro last night".

Which is also not the one thing.

But the one thing is the following...

SO she's sitting there chatting with her fellow GLs.  A GL is short for Group Leader.  It means you are in charge of counselor.  You're like a second level counselor.

She's sitting there chatting with them, and I'm pretending not to be listening in, but, I'm kind of hearing every single word because... It's hard to not pay attention to someone you have a crush on.

Even though you already know they are totally with someone else.

That's the problem with feelings and crushes and all that crap, it makes you do stuff you don't want to do.

Again, not the one thing... I'm getting to it.

So, the one thing, is that the Travel Coordinator, comes out and mentions something about Melatonin for sleep.

The Travel Coordinator is like one of the head staff people.  They aren't counselors.  They are, not really "above that", but they are just in a position where they aren't directly in charge of campers in a cabin.  AKA, being cabin staff.

The org chart for camp is a little complex.  I mean, not really, but, it's not super relevant to this post.

Okay, SO... The one thing...

So, the crush girl says something back about how she takes it all the time because she often can't sleep.  And someone says, "Why not?"

And she says, because she stays up thinking.

That's the one thing I'm thinking about.

She stays up thinking.

Like, lays awake thinking.

She has to take it because otherwise she'll stay up thinking.

And now I'm just like... Thinking about what?

Now I can't stop thinking about what she's thinking about when she stays up thinking.

I'm sort of like, stuck on it.

I don't get it.

I'm sure it's just stuff she thinks about.  But now I wonder, what else does she think about.  And now I'm wondering...

What else has she crossed paths with.  What kind of things has she gone through... I mean, obviously that's personal.

And so, I'm just like, that's not really for me to know.

It's not for anyone to know unless she wants to tell someone.

I guess I just can't stop being curious about what she said...

It kind of got my attention even more than she had my attention.

So, now I'm thinking about what she thinks about when she can't fall asleep, but also not so much what, but just the fact that she's a thinker.

See, I feel like some of the most interesting people I've met are always those who think a lot.

So, if she needs a sleep aid to turn off her thoughts at night before she goes to sleep, she's a thinker... And that really kind of captured my attention even more.

It's almost like, there's something about her and this whole situation this year... Something curious about it, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

But now I can't stop thinking about that night when she apologized for me for something she didn't have any choosing of how it played out, and when she said that she thinks a lot...

I feel like it wasn't so much just the words themselves.

There was something more to it, the way she mentioned it, and then quickly steered the conversation away from it.

Like she immediately wished she hadn't admitted that, like there was something more to her thoughts that she can't turn off...

And then she just wanted to quickly turn the conversation away from that fact.

But I kind of sat there wondering... Hmmmm.... I wonder what else she would have said, or rather, I wonder what she was thinking inside her head.

She was saying one thing, but in her mind there was something else.

Anyway, that's the one thing.

I think about her thoughts.  Which sounds slightly strange if you think about it.  But, I don't know, that moment when she said that just keeps popping into my mind for some reason.

Obviously that's not what makes this post weird.  What makes this post weird is that I'm writing about someone and she doesn't know I'm writing about her.

But, I feel like the odds are she'll never know.  I don't possibly see how she could ever know I wrote this about her anyway.  I mean, none of the camp people read my blog, and only one person really even knows it exists and even when I told that person they really seemed to not be paying that much attention and so, I think I'm safe from her ever stumbling upon this.

And besides, this is probably the only time I'll write about her really.  I can't even imagine us ever crossing paths in real life ever again.  So, it's a safe bet to assume I won't find myself in some weird situation in the future where I'm in the same room as her and she has read my blog and it's totally awkward.

So, I'm just going to pretend it's not weird that I wrote all this.  Because, how's she going to ever know anyway.

Well, anyway, there you have it.  When you dream, what do you dream about?  Or, when you think... What do you think about?

I'll never know.  But I keep thinking about it.  I'm sure I'll think about it for a little while longer, but eventually... I'll find other thoughts will start popping up in my mind instead.

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So here's one of the things I can't stop thinking about.  It's the weird timeline of events that occurred.

I mean... I guess I don't get it.

My question is... What's the why?

Okay, let me explain.

Let's start at the beginning.  Let's start with the crush.

So, I get to camp... and just like it is EVERY year... It's the usual hellos.

Honestly though, this year?  I just wanted to do my work and go at the end.  The number one thing on my mind was just how much work I want to do around the house.  I PURPOSELY didn't want to really get all that involved with anything other than doing the work and then doing my own thing.

And here's the thing... The crush has worked at  the camp for like 4 years now.  So, it's not like it was all gaga at first sight.  I'd met her before.  Sure, I'd thought she was cute in previous years, but I just wasn't that into her.

And who knows, maybe it was because I didn't think I had a chance in the world with her.  Eh, I still think that.  And obviously, she's into another counselor there...

And that's the thing about it all...

I like to be realistic about life.  If on a realistic level there's no actual genuine possibility of something happening... I keep my thoughts grounded.

It works like 99 percent of the time.

This is why I don't really have celebrity fandom.  Because, why?  That celebrity will never reciprocate.  Anyone who becomes TOTALLY enamored with a famous person, my question is, what's the point?  The famous person will never know you even exist.  So why bother?

That's always been my view with a crush.

Don't bother.  It's probably not a mutual feeling.

Anyway, that's how I felt about this crush.  Which is why she was never a crush.

That's how it was when I arrived.

And see my thing is the camp details, they go on all summer.  The storyline starts when everyone arrives and it goes until camp is over.

My thing is ALWAYS that I don't want to affect that storyline.  I don't want my actions to have a negative impact on the storyline of camp and the counselors.

And I've always maintained that.

I don't know what happened this year.  She just... had some kind of effect on me.

Her laugh, I guess.  And the silly fanny pack she wore.  And her quirky sense of humor.

I don't know.  Like I said, she's cute.  But that's never what hooks me in.

I mean, heck, one of the people involved in stealing my stuff and using it in the middle of the night I thought was cute too.

Being cute doesn't capture my attention.

It's the way a girl says things.  Being unique and interesting...

Well anyway for some reason, it clicked on... I guess one day she laughed and I smiled.  Or she made a cheesy joke and it just... Happened.

The first wave, a small flutter.  A ripple in the water.  And it wasn't anything either that I thought much of at first.

It's like how you don't notice a light breeze because it's nice.  But when the wind picks up and starts blowing things around you start to divert your attention and worry if a storm is coming.

And that's what eventually happened.

I started to avoid talking to her a little.

I knew what was happening.  When I avoided her, she said hello.  It made it worse.

Then I went out of my way to say hello to her.  Or ask her about her day.  Or ask her about the song she played the night before.

The way I know something is happening with me, is if I wake up with someone on my mind.  That's happened a few times.

The first time that happened a few days in I knew I needed to make sure I squashed any feelings I had.  After all, I just needed to get thorough until after I left camp.  I'm not there the full time, like I said, I'm only there two weeks.

I just had to hold out and let it all pass until I got home, and didn't see her smile, hear her laugh, have her walk by me, have her talk to me, look me in the eyes.

It didn't work.


It didn't work at all.

My heart raced whenever she came near me.  I tensed up.  I couldn't think of anything to say coherent.

I said the stupidest stuff and felt so embarrassed.

She gave me butterflies just being around her.

Just looking at her.

Even last night, when I left and she asked me to hand her her water bottle from a desk in the main office because she was already going out the door with a camper and I was standing beside it...

Just her saying my name and asking me if I could hand her the water bottle.  I melted.  Even though at that point I already knew she was with another guy... I still melted.

I jumped at the words to ask me to do her a favor.  I said yes... immediately... and she asked if I could hand her her water bottle... and I said yes without hesitation.

And she said, "That water bottle looking thing there... on the desk..."

And said "you mean the water bottle?"

and she said back... "Yes... I'm... Words are hard today for me." and looked right at me.

And I melted.  I smiled slightly and just... handed the water bottle to her, my heart raced a thousand miles a minute.

God.  I don't know.

You can't just turn it off.  You can't just make it go away.

And I didn't want it to go away...

I'm home now... and I'm waiting for it to fade.  Still just thinking about her... It just... Makes me feel like... I don't know... It's that feeling, that feeling in your chest.

Well anyway...

So the night that I found out she was with another guy, and I walked up and felt insanely jealous.

And then all of a sudden her and I and the other guy were walking beside me.

That was the worst.

I felt just... Like foolish.  Completely.

I didn't want to look at either of them.  But there I was using my flashlight to light their way and make sure they didn't step in the puddles.

I wanted to run.  I wanted to get in my car and drive off back home right then and there.

I don't know, and then a few seconds later when she held the door for me and looked at me...

I just thought, she's a genuine person.  And whoever she wants... That's the way it goes.

It doesn't matter what I feel.

That's when I sat down in the lodge and wrote the first jealousy alley blog post.

I just wanted to let them go.  I wanted to focus on going back to not having an effect on the timeline of the staff.

I had let myself get caught up and I decided to try and check those emotions.

It didn't work.  I just felt foolish and stupid.  And then all I wanted to do was go to bed.

So the last thing I heard as the two of them were leaving the lodge was that the guy asked where they could find a sleeping bag.

I assume, that they were going to go to the staff lounge where I was sleeping.

I just thought how perfect that was.  Of all the scenarios and situations...

The ONE girl that I totally develop a crush on, has to go back to the same cabin where I'm sleeping.

And all I wanted to do was just go back and go to bed and not think about anything further.

I figured if they had gone back, after an hour, they would probably both be asleep.

That was hard enough to get beyond.  The idea that I had to spend the night in the same vicinity as the girl I'm crushing on completely crushing on... But I mustered up the will to just go back, and go to sleep.

That's when my stuff was gone from my bed.

When I left to go on a walk because I couldn't think straight, I just thought...

I mean, what are the odds that all of this would happen in this order?

There has to be some kind of fate type of thing happening and there has to be a reason this is happening.

The girl I start to feel feelings for... She's with another dude, not anywhere, but in the same cabin (although I later find out she's on the other side of a divider, but still), and even my plan to just crawl under the covers and go to sleep to stop thinking can no longer happen because other counselors have accidentally taken my stuff and used it for themselves instead.

I didn't get why this is happening to me.

I still don't.

And I just wanted to leave.  To just call it quits and get in my car and leave.  But I couldn't because my stuff was being used.

I was stuck.

And just... so embarrassed and confused.

It couldn't have been chance.  There had to have been a fate mechanism to it all.  What are the odds?

And then the next day, she comes up to me and sits down across from me... and of course it's the worst.  It's the worst ever because my heart is beating a million miles a minute.

And I know she's with another guy already.

And she's telling me how she thanked me for "being a bro" the night before.

Which I tried to play off as cool.  And was just like oh, no problem, you know, just wanted to give you two privacy.

But I just didn't want to be near her... because I was jealous, so jealous.  It hit me like wave.  Just like a big wave at the beach and it breaks in your chest and knocks the wind out of you.

And then she leans in more and at a lower voice she apologizes that my stuff was taken from me.

And she kind of makes contact just to comfort me...

Ugh.  It was the worst.

It was just... Awful.

Because it was just like... She was being so genuine, but not the genuine feelings I wanted in my direction.

It was empathy.

Which was the worst thing ever.

I didn't want her to feel bad for me.

When you have a crush on someone, sympathy and empathy are the worst.

Because it means... It's not a mutual thing.  It's like... I care about you, but not for you.

And that's when the wave breaks over your head and you might as well just drown.

And I'm just sitting there like...

Why is this happening?

Why did my plan go so wrong?  I planned to just go to sleep, avoid it all, I planned to do very specific things....

And the exact opposite happened anyway.

I planned to avoid her, and I couldn't.

It was just like our paths intertwined even further and the more I tried to fight it, the more it happened.

And now, I can't stop thinking about her and wondering if she's thinking about me in any capacity... I know she's with another guy... But here I am still like...

What the heck do I do to make me not care anymore.

It's like, fine, I liked her, whatever, then why not just have her dancing with another guy, and then her and the other guy go off in another direction.  And that's that.

Why on that night, did we end up walking up together.  I SPECIFICALLY left when I saw them dancing with one another and went to my car and then grabbed my stuff an was going right for my bed.

THAT was my plan.

WHY have her sync up with walking up with me, her and him.  Why have them head to the same cabin I'm staying in... Even if on another side of the cabin.

Why then have someone steal my stuff so I cant just go to sleep and not think about it.  Why have her then have to become involved in it because she's one of the group leaders and now they have to make an announcement about it.  And then she sits down to talk to me about it...

And then I go out of my way to buy pizza and cider and make a big speech in front of everyone to forgive the people who did it, and then the one guy who did it comes up to me to apologize...

And then I say that.

It's like this whole timeline of stuff...

But it was just like too perfect.

Like it forced me and intertwined me.

Even though I tried to run and forget it all, I couldn't.

And now it's worse.

Because if all of this didn't happen, I'm sure I wouldn't be still thinking about it so much, and thinking about her so much.

And that's what just makes no sense to me.  Like as though it's some kind of fate thing that's supposed to teach me about having a crush on someone.

Or teach me something.

Or show me something.

And the best I got out of it, was the way it made me feel by having no way out, by being cornered and having to face it all, and have my stuff used by someone else and not being able to hide from my feelings or jealousy.

Having another guy with the girl I had a crush on... and having feelings forced in front of me and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

Being controlled by circumstance and fate and having no control over what I'm supposed to do because everything I tried to do, was thwarted.

So I gave up and just sat in the lodge that night... Confused and jealous and unable to do anything about any of it but sit there.

But it's just like, there is a reason for all this but I'm just not sure exactly what that reason is supposed to be.  And that's my thing. It couldn't have just all been a random string of events.  It was too coincidental, and I felt too trapped and forced into the situation for it to all just be random.

It was fate... But the outcome from it is just, I feel like... Weird now about how I feel.

I'm worried I changed the timeline of events for camp, which was the OPPOSITE of my plans... and I feel like I was forced into having jealousy pushed into my face and having my stuff taken from me and feeling just, lost.

But why couldn't I just stick to the plan... That's what i don't get I guess.

And why am I now still thinking about her.

None of it makes any sense to me at this point.

And so my new plan is to just let it all be, and let it all go... Her and I don't talk, and we're not Facebook friends or anything like that... So, may plan of action is to just let it all fizzle out.  Eventually, my thoughts about her will fade, and eventually... We'll go back to how things were before I even left for camp.

And I'll just stick by my lesson out of it is that it was to help me to see more insight into those who have been in situations where they were forced without consent.  The lesson to know, is to be able to feel empathetic to that situation for individuals... And I'm okay with that if that was the point.

But now my plan is to just let it go and let the waves settle back down.  Let the strong feelings and emotions settle themselves down back to calm waters.  Just takes time, that's all.

And if fate happens to intervene once again in some way... Then hopefully it will finally reveal an answer or a reason as to why it intervened in the first place.

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