Industrial Way
Yesterday I went to Allagash Brewing. It was awesome. I also hit up Foundation Brewing Co. One of the alumni I know from the camp here is a top notch head brewmaster dude. He gave me a tour of Foundation. I didn't get a chance to tour Allagash but I'll do that next time.
It's fascinating because there's actually 5 breweries on the one street. Allagash is the biggest one and then there's a few other breweries along with food trucks and games setup like bean bag toss and such. It was a fun day. I spent a few hours there just hanging out. Had beer samples and food truck food. I did a little writing of a new book idea.
After the breweries I came back to camp and hung out with the staff at the hang out area. I decided to pickup pizza on the way back along with some hard cider. I'm getting ready to leave now and drive through the night so I'm just finishing up a few things now. But last night was my last night in camp so I wanted to just do something a little special. Decided to pick up pizza and drinks for the staff at the hang out spot. Everyone enjoyed it.
As for the previous few posts... All has been resolved and apologizes happened and things are copacetic.
Well anyway, I guess the big thing is that all is okay again. Feelings have normalized and I've gained an insight and understanding from the experience.
That's kind of how things go. Life throws unexpected experiences with you and, I truly believe they are there to teach you lessons and build your character and make you into the person that you're meant to be. To grow from it all.
The world is meant to teach us. We are forever life learners. And the good news is no one here at camp reads all my thoughts that I post on this blog... So, no one is the wiser about my thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, I have a long drive ahead of me so I must be out.
My Problem Right Now
I originally had posted this to Facebook and decided to delete it because there's none of the context on Facebook... It's all here in the last couple of posts.
But, here's the post with a little more added...
My problem right now isn't that some people took my bedding, sleeping bag, sheets, pillows, and used it without my consent. For me, I was able to washing my stuff, and ease the feelings including disgust, anger, embarrassment, humiliation... What my problem right now really is, is that if I feel these type of things with what happened to me and I still feel strange about it, I still feel a little weirded out... and what happened to me is but a fraction of the level of what happens in a different scenario when it's not just stuff that isn't consented to... My problem is, how does someone who identifies as #MeToo feel, and deal? I can't comprehend how that must feel right now. Because even this event, which is but a small fraction if anything to how someone must feel when another person invades in an un-consenting way... I can't even begin to imagine that. But what really gets me is that all of the times I've thought I understood... I didn't. And I still don't. Because I can't possibly. But what I know is in the last 36 hours the feeling was awful. Coming back to find someone else had taken my stuff and was using it, and possibly in a way that was very personal, the possibility of someone having sex on my sleeping bag and sheets just made me feel sick and shaken inside.
But even this residual feeling right now, the weirdness, the shame, and embarrassment, the question of if it was my fault somehow for leaving my stuff in such a way that it seemed inviting to be used, the anger, the awkwardness, the feeling of people looking at you and feeling sorry, just all of it... It's nothing compared to what someone must feel when their body is taken without consent.
And that's what kills me. Because the little tiny bit of weirdness and strangeness that I feel, the dread of maybe coming back tonight to the same thing happening again...
It can't even compare. And that's what I can't deal with right now. I had a small taste of something that I don't like. That feels awful. And if it's just a small taste... I can't even comprehend what it must be like to have an alternative situation happen to someone. How it must feel.
And it just really hits me hard, I tried to amplify the feeling to imagine what it must be like and just turned off. I went numb. I didn't want to know. I don't want to know. Because no one should want to know, or should ever have to know what that feels like.
My heart goes out to anyone who identifies as #MeToo... I can't even begin to understand how you must feel. Not even a fraction of it. And if the experience I had and the feelings I felt and feel were indeed a small taste of it in any capacity... it's awful. It's just awful. NO ONE deserves to feel anything like it, at all, in any capacity, ever.
Forgotten Sunglasses
Today I felt something I'd never felt before. It was an entirely new classification of emotion.
The thing about it is, I have no idea how to describe it because I've never felt it before.
It's really a mix of emotions, and maybe I'm only describing it that way because I have no idea how to describe it... But it's certainly something that I have no idea how to put it into words.
The thing is, I've had things stolen before. I've had stuff messed with before. I've had a whole range of things done to me in one form or another and I've... what's that phrase? "Taken it like a man."
Isn't that what we're supposed to do? As men? Shut up and move on.
Suck it up.
Wuss.
There's a whole vocabulary that I've had fed to me over the years.
There was a song playing at the staff hang out spot before we all left to head to bed last night... The lyrics were something along the lines of...
More Jealousy Alley
So, it's 3:30am and I'm awake in the lodge.
I'm trying to just... Process things...
I went back to where I was staying... a cabin called The "Staff Lounge"... Which has beds, and some of the beds have sleeping bags and pillows. Basically it's supposed to be where the counselors go if they need a night that can't be spent in their cabin. Like, if the had something to drink and need to sleep it off.
It's often used notoriously for couples to... Spend time together.
That scenaro happened last night. I was okay with it. I mean, last night was different. It's a big enough cabin and the couple last night stayed on the entirely other side and I basically came in late on purpose. Just went to sleep. Whatever. They had also closed off their area so they weren't visible.
I've had worse situations with roommates in college. Honestly, wasn't a big deal...
Tonight?
I'm just, not even sure how I feel right now. Honestly? I'm not like, upset, I think? I just feel so... numb or something. I mean, I guess I'll probably laugh at this a year from now... I don't know.
I'm trying not to make it a big deal. I'm trying to just let it all go and know that I'll be back home in my own bed in a few days....
For the duration of my stay I've been staying in this staff lounge cabin. Some people come and go. Some have used the showers or whatever... Some have stayed because they had to get up super early to go travel and make airport pickups for campers.
Tonight I decided to wait until 2am.
I figured okay, maybe some people would go back for a little and use one of the beds, but they would all be asleep by the time I got back.
When I got back, there were two people sleeping in the center of the cabin on the floor... They had taken two mattresses and put them on the floor to make a larger bed... I could only see shapes on the dark but didn't shine a light or really look over for more than a split second.
I was a little taken aback by it but thought, okay... At least they are asleep. Fine. Whatever. I don't even want to know.
I used my flashlight without turning on the cabin light.... I made my way to my bed quietly...
When I got to my bed...
There was nothing on it.
Nothing. Not a thing. No sheets, pillows, sleeping bag... All gone.
I turned around and shined my light on the very edge and immediately recognized the sheet and sleeping bag.
Yeah.
So, I'm not sleeping right now.
Let's just assume that these two people just stumbled in slightly intoxicated, somehow didn't realize that my stuff was my stuff... Even though there's a lot of other items that are personal items right there next to the bed... So I'm not sure how you can mistake it.
I think they were just pretty drunk and didn't realize it.
Now, let's assume they just went to sleep. I honestly really know that's not the case here... But I don't know for sure so I'm not going to assume it.
I also have a really good idea as to who it is... But, since I didn't look, I just left the cabin and walked...
I can't say 100 percent.
I've been sitting here for a little bit and thinking and even if I knew who it was 100 percent, I wouldn't say who it was.
The thing is, like I said in the previous post, I'm going in a few days. My take on it is... Yes, I'm a little weirded out by it, and maybe I'm upset... I don't know.
But these two people have to work here the rest of the summer. It's not a story that they should have to deal with people talking about all summer behind their backs and what not... It would just make for a terrible rest of the summer. Whatever, it happened... It's not a good situation. So, I just want to deal with it and let it stay in the past. There's no reason to make a big production about it.
My plan is to just stay up until the morning, get a trash bag... Go get my stuff... Wash it all... And then go back to sleep for a little while.
I guess it's weird knowing that there's the possibility that something happened between two people on my personal stuff...
I don't know right now. I'm just trying to decide that I don't want to be upset about it. I don't want it to be a big deal.
I guess I just feel a little violated or something because it's my personal stuff. I feel like it was pretty obvious that someone was living/sleeping there. And even if someone is pretty drunk, they should know not to just touch someone else's stuff without any kind of permission.
I just don't know how to feel right now. I'm just sitting, and waiting for sunrise. I'm sure come AM the people sleeping there will get up and leave, and then I'll just go down, get my stuff and wash it. And that will be that.
Jealousy Alley
So, tonight was kind of an interesting evening. I was going to post something on Facebook, but people read Facebook... And no one here at camp reads this... And I mean, for the most part no one that would make things extraordinarily awkward would read this.
So this works.
Let's do a little bit of a backstory first.
I come to my old summer camp to volunteer. The money gets donated to help pay for a camper to come to camp that wouldn't be able to afford it. I was a camper here and a counselor and my mom also worked here. So, it kind of is a way to connect with her memory.
It's just something I do for a couple of week every summer by taking vacation off work and doing this.
It's fun. It's always an experience and I meet some interesting people, make some new friends, reconnect with old friends.
But it's nothing that really... "Rocks my world" shall we say.
What I mean by that is, I come, I chill out and work... and I go home. See, there's this thing called camp drama...
One of the things here at camp is that there have been a lot of camp relationships. Even some people who have gotten married. Even the owners of the camp met here as counselors and got married. There's just this sort of thing in the air that... People meet here.
See... When you live in a confined space with a group of people for an extended period of time, you create close relationships with people. It's like having 24/7 roommates and friends and coworkers at the same time.
There's no home, or work, or third space... It's all that at once.
The downside is... You get like a "Real World" effect.
I try to avoid it. And most years I do. It's hard to remain detached when you're here for the full summer, but when you're only here for 2 weeks, who cares.
Right?
Well, usually. And you know, the last 10 years, that's how it's been. For some reason this year, it got me a little.
I'm shrugging it off at the moment because, when you take a step back, I'm leaving in a few days anyway, so... Who cares?
Alright, so all that being said... Some how I let myself get a little "sucked in" this summer.
Okay... Let's start...
There's this girl. It's always a girl. Because, that's just what happens when it happens. It's like, something just happens and you stop and say... Wait... Hey. But it's a different kind of "hey". You just look at the person differently.
I'm not going to say her name... But, you know, it's weird, she's been here the last few years too, and I have no idea, I didn't really think much of it. I said hey to her around camp in other years... We crossed paths... I helped her with something here or there, we had smalltalk.... But she was just...
Another person in the community. Not really like... Sticking out as someone that I was really curious about. It was just like hey... what's up? Cool. Cool.
But this year, and not even on the first night... Maybe the 3rd or 4th day in... She just got me.
It was like every time I saw her... She totally kind of just made me feel all gushy.
I was like this is stupid because again, I'm only here for a short time. I just said to myself this is stupid... But the feeling just kept sticking around. I feel stupidly gushy whenever she's around.
Never mind the fact that I REALLY don't think I'm her type at all, or that she lives on the COMPLETE opposite side of the country than I do even AFTER camp she goes back to Portland, Oregon.
There's soo many reasons why I shouldn't bother to have her on my mind.
But isn't that the beauty of having someone on your mind? You don't get to choose who you have on your mind. It just happens.
Well, so... I basically just have been keeping those gushy feelings in check. Just pushing them back and fending them off until I leave camp in a few days.
Because as soon as I'm out of here, she'll cross my mind a little less, and a little less, and a little less...
Until I'm back to where I was before. Back to a few weeks ago.
Just ride it out.... But every time I cross paths with her, I can't help it. Ugh. The feelings just happened and then I was just like... Sigh. Well, there's the feeling again, nothing I can do about it.
You can't control these feelings, they just, happen. The best you can do is just wait it out.
It's kind of like today when I was out on the lake kayaking and waves would come through from the water ski boats and the kayak would rock to and fro....
The best you can do is just wait out the waves. Just brace yourself and let it happen and know that eventually, it ends and won't go on forever.
That's where I'm at now as I sit typing this. I know that the feeling I feel right now, has an end point... It will eventually diminish like the waves on the lake. It won't go on forever. It's not like 6 months from now I'll still be like... Gushing for this girl.
But, I also know, I won't be overwhelmed with jealousy either.
You see, just a little bit ago, like an hour or so ago, after a night of drinking and dancing... I walked up from the staff area known as "The Yurt".
It's a small building that the staff hang out at during their time off.
Well, I'll backup a little bit real quick again. So, when I first arrived, like I said, I didn't really have any strong feelings. It was just hello's and idle chatting. But then, it grew over a few days, just like... Really fast.
So, again, we're at The Yurt tonight and before that we had gone out to grab dinner and drinks at a local restaurant as a group of staff.
Well, even with all the gushing I felt... I learned quickly that...
She spent a fair amount of the night being cozy with another guy.
And to be fair actually, she had been a bit close with the same guy the first night that we went out drinking which was the second night I arrived, but I guess I didn't think much of it because I didn't really care at that point. And then I hadn't really seen them really being all that cozy or flirty since.
But tonight they were definitely the very start of at least a fling if nothing else. And hey, for all I know they could actually be together and I had no clue they were until tonight. Who knows, they may have been together since last year since they were both here for the last few years.
Again, what do I care... I maintain that. Not to get invested emotionally. It's drama that I purposely try to avoid.
And I just did a bad job of it this year.
So, tonight, I'm not having a bad time... It was good, just hanging with friends. But the problem is, when you feel that gush for someone and you see that there's another someone else in the picture even if it's just that maybe they are a "thing"...
You feel that jealousy. The gush turns to something else. It turns to... that go away feeling. It goes from... wanting to make excuses to talk to them to...
Make excuses to avoid them.
It was at that point tonight that I said, well this is dumb. I'm not getting sucked into this. I'm not getting invested in this.
So, I decided to go. I left everyone at The Yurt and snuck out.
I went to my car to grab a few things, like a flashlight and my umbrella. I start walking. Good. Situation is behind me.
So, out of nowhere, she's behind me with that guy. And then she's beside me with that guy. They're holding hands. Close. His arm is around her.
So, she says "Hey..." and I say hey back.
I then say hey to him.
I'm just.... pushing this jealous feeling away. I'm pushing the gushy feeling for her away. I kick a rock as we walk.
I hold my flashlight out ahead and say "Don't step in a puddle... Don't want the two of you to have wet feet."
Then we get to the the main lodge building and she holds the door for me.
It's the worst.
Because I didn't want her to hold the door for me.
I just wanted it to shut and walk on. I thanked her for holding the door and went inside too.
I went a different way then planned after that. Just to get away.
Just ride out the waves... Eventually the waves will stop just like they did while I was in the kayak.
I'm not part of this community for much longer anyway. I know the drill. I go back home, I get back to my normal routine.
In a month or two, I won't even have her on my mind. And I won't feel even a hint of jealousy.
Although right now, it's subsided. I'm just kind of... telling myself, who cares. I'm not getting caught up in it. I'm not getting caught up in the drama, or her, or the experience of having someone make you gush and then walking beside them with another guy's arm around her.
The gush was there... and then the jealousy was there, and then... I just let it pass.
Because, like I said, I'm only just passing through here. Her and him are here for the whole summer. I'm only here for a hot minute.
And beyond all that, I don't think the gush was mutual anyway.
It's all so silly and pointless. Which is why I stay clear of the camp drama and silly camp crushes.
It just caught me off guard for a little bit, but now my guard is back up.
I just let myself feel a way that I hadn't felt in a long while. I let someone make my heart skip a beat.
It was a mistake and I shouldn't have even allowed it to happen in the first place.
Some how it did even though I know better.
Anyway... In a few days time I'll be back home and far away and in a few weeks time... I'll be back to where I was before... No gushing, and no jealousy.
The waves that were stirred up will become calm water again.
Some people meet here, and that's great for those people...
But the one year, the one time I let my guard down and allow myself to have someone catch me off guard...
I'm sitting here shining a light so that her and another guy can avoid stepping in puddles.
This is why I don't do it. This is why I don't get emotionally invested in the drama.
It's not worth liking someone because it only ends in sitting alone feeling jealous.
There's not much I can control when someone does come along that makes me all gushy, but I can just try to do a better job of realizing when it does happen and avoid eye contact and pushing any feelings away and trying not to think about that person or care.
There's a phrase that I've heard often...
"Nothing good can come of this."
That's my view when I think of the idea of letting someone capture your attention.
Anyway, so now I sit there just trying to focus on knowing that in a few days time I'll be driving back home and getting back to my usual life.
And that in a few weeks time, she won't even cross my mind. Gush, crush, or jealousy.
And the next time I'll see her would be next summer if she came back... But, by then... I'll know better.
I know better already.
Nothing good can come of this. Just wait out the waves and let it all pass.
I've never had a situation where anything good has come from a crush or a gush.
It's always ended badly.
It's best just to take a step away and sit on the sidelines and tell myself that I'm just passing through and I'm not part of any of this for the long term.
It was a close call though. I will say this last week... A VERY close call for sure.
But now I'm back to knowing better.
Nothing good can come of any of it.
Some people meet here, have flings, or start relationships, or even get married, but for me... It's always been a negative outcome, like what happened tonight.
I was stupid and let myself like someone.
Best just to take all steps to avoid it all.
Let the waves pass.
13 Reasons Part 2
So, tonight I watched the 4th episode of 13 Reasons Why...
There's some similarities, by a VERY far stretch, to some of the things in my book. I mean, not really, just slight, but my stuff is totally different. But there's a few little things in this one episode that are somewhat similar.
Here's the thing about art... I think creative people are kind of linked, in a way... Actually, that's not really my own thought...
Wait, let me back up...
A) I'm reading this book Big Magic that I started reading a LONG time ago but I kind of put down... and the concept in that is that creative thoughts go out into the world into the universe, and that a certain number of creative types pick up the universal creative thoughts...
If someone doesn't act on it, another person will. And if that person doesn't. Another will. That's why sometimes you get overlapping art and ideas... Because creative timelines differ for creative individuals. Some people can have a dream, or get inspired and jot it down... Start a project... And not pick it back up again for months or years...
It's all in Big Magic.
But it's true. I have many things that I've started, much like I started reading various books and put them down and then picked them back up again years later.
B)
So a short time ago, like less than 2 weeks ago or so, I was in Starbucks and a song came on while I was waiting in line to buy a coffee...
It was a new Dave Matthews Band song... "Do You Remember?".
Basically I thought for a quick second that it was a newly released recording of my friend Jesse's song that he released a few year ago. His song is called "This Is Why I Need You" and he wrote it years ago.
Now, the songs were released at different times... And they have similar sounding melodies in one specific part. Argue what you want... But it's very likely that they just both came up with the specific part of their songs on their own and it's just pure chance that they have similar sounding parts. Just like how there's a small part that similar in 13 Reasons Why that has a slight similarity to a part in my book.
C)
There's no part C, it's just not Part A or B anymore.
Anyway, the point is... Read Big Magic, and watch 13 Reasons Why...
And if you make art, like music, or write, or paint... Just keep doing it. If you make something and you don't like it... Keep it up, and if you make something and it seems similar to something else... It's probably because we're all humans... We all have the same body parts. We all breathe the same air.
Sunshine and Flamingos
Lately I've had this song in my head... It's called "The Cat In Center Field".
Basically there's a group or band or whatever you want to call them, and they make songs out of news clips, or, basically anything really. They used to be called Autotune The News all the way back in the day... But they have expanded to be more than just news.
It's a whole thing with lots of history. Anyway... TLDR... All you need to know about is this catchy song about a cat and sunshine and flamingos... So here's the video on YouTube.
13 Reasons And Seasons
So, I started this 13 reasons why show. It's good. I'm on episode 3.
Maybe I already mentioned that. Maybe not. Oh well... If I did... I did! Hah.
But yeah, it's a good show. I'm sipping and savoring.
I'm not much of a binge watcher. I like to enjoy an episode at a time slowly. I mean, I watch the episodes at normal speed, obviously, I don't slow them down... that would be weird. Watching movies and TV shows in slow motion.
True story, we used to do that with movies as kids because our VCR had a slow motion button. And now I'm just like... WHY is that button even there?
Anyway... I usually will watch one show on my list per night, or sometimes ever other night, or every few nights...
I'm a fan of a show with dinner. Dinner, a craft beer, and an episode of something. Usually I alternate between like 2 or 3 shows, so I get a new episode a week.
Here's the thing though, right now, I watch Netflix in my office/study. Okay so, my cats have decided that they really like my current seating arrangement in my living room. So even though I have a TV hooked up to everything, I can't really make sure of it.
I was going to buy a new couch but didn't have the heart to kick the cats out of their favorite area.
Soooo I just watch elsewhere. For now.
Eventually I'll probably relocate the various furniture items to another room and then convince them to use that room so I can buy a new couch and make a comfy spot to watch Netflix on the couch.
Cats.
Anyway, back to this episode I'm watching before I head to bed.
Replacement Parts
So, my dad had some surgery today. He had to have something replaced because it was in danger of breaking. So, now he has a new aorta or something like that.
He seems to be doing okay. He's recovering in the ICU.
We'll know more in a few more days.
But he's got new and improved stitchings inside of him now to patch up some worn out tubing.
Hopefully everything turns out A-okay. I think the recovery timeline is at least 6 weeks or so... So, it's going to be a bit of a journey for him, but he seems to be taking it well so far.
Just a reminder at how fragile life is and how much of a gift it is. And as well the wonders of modern medicine!
Anyway, I'll post another update when he's back to normal and kicking. For now, he's doing better than expected so far for day one out of the operation. So, that's a good sign!