BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West


Today Is

Today is a day to sleep in.

Or, if my aunt weren't so aloof, I'd be wishing her a happy birthday.  But she does her own thing on the other side of the planet.

Today could have been a big deal because it's Easter for some people and all about the whole Jesus thing.  I almost got REALLY into that by falling in love with a super Christian girl.  Whew.  Dodged a bullet on that one, only because it's just not who I am truly.  I was being someone else for her and not because I believed in deep down inside.  And that's not good.  It's not good to change for someone else, you change for yourself because you believe in something deep down inside and not because you want someone to approve of you and like you.  I feel like it's just not my style to be over the top religious.  I'm actually glad she found someone else.  My feelings have all but disappeared for her.  Every time I fall in love with a girl I'm pretty much in love with them until they finally have a new dude.  It's tried and true, it's been the same deal every time it's happened.  Just the thought of another guy with any girl that I like...

It turns the love mojo off... WAY off.  Like if a girl ever cheated on me, even if we were 20 years married...

I'd be like... I can't feel anything for you any more.  I'd just picture that other guy having his way with her.  Gross.  Can't do it.

Anyways, I probably would have converted over and become all super religious for that girl just like my sister did for her husband.  Like I said if you believe it inside you... Fine.  But if you're doing something FOR someone else?  That's bad in my view.  That's the problem with love.  When I first met that girl I was like... I'll never got to church, it's just not something I'm really interested in or believe in.  Then this girl had some weird magical hold on me... and she was able to change that.  Love is a dangerous thing.  I'm not sure falling in love is the best idea anymore.  I'll still continue to date, but I'll be wary.  I'd like to stick to my "technically Jewish" roots of my mom's side of the family.  Sure we didn't actually do any of the whole ritual things... But... the identity is there.

I don't know.  I'm just a middle of the road Sunday brunch I'd like to sample all the religions and things but not commit to any single one type of guy.  I prefer to sleep in on a Sunday morning over anything else.

Of course if love happens a again... Who knows where I'll end up and what religion I'll find myself getting involved with next.  That's why love is a dangerous thing.  It's best to steer clear of falling for anyone too hard.

Maybe I'll just be single and live alone with my cats.

Today is just another day for my cats.

Anyways happy birthday to my aunt who doesn't talk to me because... she lives in her own world over on the other side of the planet... and happy Jesus is risen day to that ex of mine which if that had worked out this very moment we'd probably just bet getting out of church or something together instead... I just woke up.

And I'm happy with that.  Today is... a new day.

I'm 33, I have no kids... no spouse... a house... money in the bank... and I can go on little road trips to Valley Forge to do yoga (I did that for the first time yesterday) and follow it up with a nice long run like I did yesterday, to Longwood Gardens to relax and walk around and enjoy the gardens... to go work on my books at the various wineries that PA has to offer... To sip on good coffee at my favorite little coffee shops.

And I have a low stress job that let's me have 5 days off to relax and unwind.

I'll take it.

Today is... doing some yard work day.  Making some music... maybe write a message to a girl or two on a dating site... like I said... I'll keep dating... but I'm going to be wary of who I fall in love with next time.  Because I might end up doing some things that I wouldn't normally do.  It's like being drunk.  Falling in love is like being drunk.  One minute you're like I don't think that's the best idea... and the next... you're doing whatever the person you're with suggests without hesitation.

So, I've got my eye on you love.  The next time around, with the next girl... I'll just know what I'm doing a little better.

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Five Days

Today is day one of my five days off from my job for Easter break.  My first order of business this morning was obviously to feed and water the cats.  Sleeping in is a rarity these days.  The cats will let you know when they are ready for you to wake up.  Usually it's a paw in the face. "Excuse me.  Excuse me.  I'm ready for some wet food."

My thing is... You HAVE dry food down.  But you STILL need me to wake up and give you wet food.  Okay... Okay... I'm up, I'm up.

Cats are fed.  Turtle is fed.  I decided to do a few things around the house.  Then I went over to pay the tax bill.  Taxes.  There's no way around it if you own a house.  But, if you pay it early you get a discount.

It's interesting the amount of money people waste through their lives paying things late.  I have to wonder if you added it all up how much would it be?  Probably a lot.

I feel like it always pays to pay things early and get discounts on things (see what I did there).  Although sometimes we can't always do that.  Either we don't know about it, or life just gets in the way.  It happens.  Someone should make a career out of personally advising people on how to get all the best discounts and deals on things in every day life.  That'd be a fun job.  What do you do for a living?  I'm a personal discount/coupon adviser.  I remind people of the discounts they could be getting in all aspects of their daily lives.

Now that's something people can use.  For reals.

Well after I did my grown up things, I headed off for my "fun day".  I'm having a staycation for this 5 day break. I generally really don't actually like to travel.  I know, it's the opposite of what everyone strives to achieve.  A globe trotter... Traveling around the world to the latest hot new travel destination.  I guess.  I'd rather just go out somewhere on a day trip and come home and sleep in my own bed each night... With my cats to paw at my face the next morning.

If hotels came with a complimentary cat pawing in your face morning wake up call I might be more inclined to travel.  Until that's a thing... Staycation.

First thing I did was get a Wawa hoagie.  Talk about splurging.  Next I went to see the orchids at Longwood Gardens.  It's their Orchid Extravaganza event.  I never knew there were so many different kinds.  My gosh.  Orchids of every color/shape/size.  You name it.  Unfortunately there's no Orca Orchid.  I'm just saying.  An Orca Orchid would be killer.




Look up, look down, look all around at all the orchids to be found. #orchidextravaganza #longwoodgardens A photo posted by Kenny (@kennywest82) on


After the orchids I just kind of relaxed and wrote/brainstormed for a future book idea.  It's warm out.  Woo.

I'm going to sidetrack for a minute...

My latest obsession is this band called Wintergatan.  I believe it means Milkyway in Swedish, although... Don't bet your life on that.  In fact, don't bet your life on anything I write on this blog.  Most of the time I post I've either had entirely too much caffeinated beverages, or an alcoholic beverage.

Or, I'm just down on myself about not having what it takes to get whatever girl I have a crush on at the moment to like me back.  My current love interest or "Well, there goes another one..." girl is this voice actress that I was messaging back and forth with (by messaging I mean we sent each other like 2 messages) and she does the voice for various things online one of them being the NY Public Library blog.  She's like a model and actress and all that... What she's doing on a dating site is beyond me... She's seriously a catch and a half but hey.. I guess even actresses have trouble dating.  My last message to her is "You have a cute voice."


She still hasn't responded.

She told me we have one mutual friend on Facebook but refused to tell me who it was.  It's killing me.  I guess I'll never know.

Oh well.  On to the next one.  Who knows... maybe the next girl I meet will be that one that I make it all the way to the marriage and family thing with...

I'm willing to bet my life miss mystery next girl just being another in a long line of dating let downs though.  I wouldn't be surprised if her last name is Letdown even.

"Hi... My last name is Letdown.  I come from a long line of Letdowns."
"Well, hello there Miss Letdown... It's nice to meet you.  Shall we get this coffee date over with so we can talk to one another awkwardly over text for another couple days and pretend like we're both still interested when we already decided that we aren't but we don't want to flat out say it to one another at the end of the date?"
"Sure.  Sounds good to me!"

So anyways... Wintergatan.  They're the ones that have this marble machine video.  It's FANTASTIC.  I'm completely obsessed with it.  Just go on youtube and type...  Actually here...





Actually if you really go back and watch their previous videos you can really get a feel for where the inspiration of this band lies.  The one guy is obsessed with music boxes.  He's all about them.  So really this is a passion of his and not just, oh I'm going to make a random video and hope it goes viral.  There's WAY more to it than that.  I'd love to meet this band.  They seem like truly interesting people.

Next stop on my staycation was Chaddsford Winery.  I had a glass of their Phillies wine.  It was good.  I sat there for a little and worked out a couple of things for timing of the end of my book.  I have an idea of how I want to end it, but it's not entirely worked out.  After about 45 minutes there I went to my second winery stop at 10 Gallon Hat Winery.  All I can say about their two wines is....

HOLY GOD.  This is the holy grail of wine.

These two wines are amazing.  Their cab is mouthwatering.  And their malbec is to die for.

There are subtle notes of "this wine is amazeballs" and hints of "well shit, you bet your ass I'll have another".

Unfortunately neither are available in bottles to take home.  So you have to buy a glass at the winery.  I only had the one little glass since the winery was close to closing.  The winemistress poured me an itty bitty little glass to sip on while I did some writing.  I'm not sure what the lady that pours the wine is called... We'll go with winemistress.

So me and my little glass of the cab closed down the place.  At 6pm on the dot they kicked me out as I was finishing the last sentence on my latest book chapter.

Seriously if you ever get a chance... and you enjoy red wine.  The malbec and the cab at 10 Gallon Hat Winery... hands down possibly the best red wine I've ever had.

To close out my day I'm here at the Gryphon Cafe in Rosemont.  I've never been here  It's a sweet little spot.  There's an open mic, which I had no idea was happening, but I decided to stick around after my cup of coffee and listen while I blogged.  Bloggity blog blog blog.

Up next?  I'll head home and go to sleep after feeding the cats.  The cats are probably annoyed at this point.  They usually eat around 6.  It's going to be close to 10 when I finally get home.  They ate a few hours late, so they can wait.

That's my staycation day one.  Roll credits.  Insert "Vacation" by The Go-Go's.  Just substitute staycation for vacation.

Staycation all I ever wanted.  Staycation got to get away.  Well, that's my blog for today.


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Uniquely Yours

I was going to blog about something tonight and I forget what I was going to blog about.  It was something though.  I just forget what.  Oh well...

In place of the thing I was going to blog about I'm going to blog instead about my friend Jesse and his girlfriend Jen.  I've known him since he was a wee lil young one at the itty bitty age of 13 when we met at summer camp.  This guy used to talk all the time how he was all sorts of single... and then he met this wonderful girl.  I've met her.  She's wonderful.  He's wonderful.  There both wonderful.  And... What's the word?  Adorbs, together.

True story... They really live in NYC and aren't 'suburbanites'.  But for the sake of this Air Wick commercial... We'll pretend they are suburbanites like myself.

So anyways they both shared this on their Facebook timelines and I was all like... I'm totally going to share this on my blog.  SO here's the commercial...



I have to admit... I secretly REALLY want them to get married.  I also secretly kind of am hoping the reason why I haven't met the girl of my dreams is that I'm supposed to meet her at his and hers wedding.

Yes, I know it's HIGHLY unlikely.  But... I feel like that would make an awesome "how we met" story!  I don't know... My issue with the whole dating site thing is that it's just not a great story.  If I end up meeting the girl I end up marrying on a dating site... That's great.  But I just kind of secretly wish for a better story.

Like meeting my future wife at Jesse and Jen's future wedding.  Should they decide to get married.

How could they NOT get married though?  I mean come on.  COME ON!  Look at how ABSOLUTELY adorbs they are in that commercial.

Totally.  He's uniquely hers, she's uniquely his... They're uniquely each other's.

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At The Stroke Of Midnight

So, I bought my ticket to the wine and jazz festival at Longwood Gardens.  I had to wait until midnight to purchase the ticket in order to wait until my monthly budget closed out from last month.  At a few minutes after midnight...

I pressed the purchase button.  How many tickets would you like?  Just one please.  It's interesting because it defaults to two tickets.  My guess is they automatically assume you've got some special someone to bring along.  And maybe most people going are couples going together.  Oh well.  That's the story of my life.  Everywhere I go everyone is all kind of in love...

Although none of the dating sites seem to be producing anyone that I have any interest in going on more than a handful of dates with.  I don't know, maybe I don't give it long enough?  I mean... Maybe you don't fall in love for months or years.  But what if you STILL haven't fallen in love?  You have two options... You wasted that person's sweet time... All that time while you were trying to make yourself feel something.

Or... You stay with them.  And you get drunk every time you have to make love because making love with them sober just... It's like the same as taking out the garbage or cleaning the cat boxes.  And that's not fair to them.  I wouldn't want a girl to have to get drunk in order to kiss me.

Dating... You know how it is.  It's just... Hard.  It's REALLY hard.  The ones you want are never available or single or they want the person standing next to you.  It's just depressing.  It's either settle, or be settled for.

And I always consider settling.  SOOO many times I've considered it.  And I've dated girls WAY longer than I should have.  And I've also chased girls WAY longer than I should have just because... That's what love does to you.  When you find yourself wanting someone that just has you on a fishing line... That's the worst.

But also when you have a girl that's interested and hanging on your every word... But you don't really like them... That's also the worst.  It's just the worst.

So anyways I'm going to go into this wine and jazz festival expecting only to taste some nice wine enjoy a fine warm June day and listen to some good tunes.  If there's no one there... Then I at least have a story to share for the next time I go on a date.  And if I meet a girl there that has a friend that has a friend that has a friend that's single.  Great.  If not.  Oh well.

So after I bought the ticket I was looking at the site and noticed that they have an orchid show from now until March 27th.  I'm off from work starting Thursday... All the way through till Tuesday.  So since orchids are a flower that girls like... I figure... It's possible that there might be a girl at Longwood that I could possibly meet in passing who was also brought there by the flowers.  And if not... I'll just sit and work on some writing.

I actually have two orchids downstairs that were my moms.  She told me before she went into the hospital in the fall to water them for her so they wouldn't die.  I'm still keeping them going.  So maybe I'll just go in remembrance of my mom since she probably would have liked to have gone to see the orchids at Longwood Gardens.

Shortly after I joined last Summer and told her about the place she kept asking me to take her.  I was like ok... Let's go.  It never happened.

She ended up going into the hospital for the final time about a month and a half after I joined Longwood.

I wish I could have gone there with her.  So she can be there with me in spirit.  Maybe I'll go Thursday or Friday for the day.  I have to check the weather and see which day might work best.

I definitely want to keep going to Longwood Gardens more often.  It's a nice place to just relax and clear my mind from the rest of the stuff I deal with in life.  So if it never produces any sort of romantic relationship... At least I have that as a nice place to go and de-stress.

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Wine and Jazz

I just got off the phone with an exceedingly pleasant lady named Vicky.  Vicky works at Longwood Gardens.  They're hosting a wine and jazz festival this coming June.  I had first called her yesterday to ask how many tickets remained since the website said there may be a high likelihood that it might sell out.

I inquired yesterday about just how many tickets were left.  She replied with the standard, "One moment while I bring that up on the computer."

While we waited I tossed in some idle banter.  "You know at first I thought it said wine and jazzercise."

She laughed.  I laughed.  She then replied, "Okay, there are approximately 700 tickets left.  Would you like to purchase one?"

I explained to her that I needed to hold off until after midnight on Sunday night to buy the ticket as that was when my budget reset.  She replied, "Well good for you for sticking to your budget."  I thanked her for the compliment.  She sounded a little older, maybe middle aged.  Probably happily married.  I wonder if before she met her husband and became a nice middle aged lady she had once told a boy in her younger years as they were breaking up that she was only using him for sex.  It's possible.  But at the moment that I met her for the first time in my 33 years and her... Maybe 55 or so-ish years... Our interaction was pleasant.

If we'd both been 25 when we met at a bar sipping on beers eyeing each other up, perhaps our interaction would have been different.  A lot of our interactions between the people we meet are defined by when and where we meet.  What role we're in when we meet.  The customer and the employee.  The stranger to stranger.  The car accident bystander that helped a victim.  The one thing you can't decide is when and where you meet someone for the first time.  Someone that meets me 6 months from now will see a different person than someone that met me 6 months ago.  6 months ago my mom was terminally ill and on her deathbed.

6 months from now I'll have... Stuffed pockets.  With more money than I currently know what to do with. I'll be a free flowing wine and jazz festival attending 33 year old just drifting through life trying to finish my first book and stealing a kiss here or there from a girl or two trying to find that one girl that all those happily married people rave about how they were at the museum when they were standing beside Mr. or Mrs. Right ogling the painting of a sailing ship lost in the storm.  The lone captain in the yellow raincoat unsure of which way to steer the boat... Until finally another ship in the distance flickers its lights and the two lost ships finally unite.

So I called back today and about 650 tickets now remained.  There are 5000 tickets total, they are running low on the ticket amount.  I'll purchase mine tonight after midnight.  She assured me that she felt there would still be a ticket left.  She also applauded me again on my conviction towards fiscal responsibility.  Maybe she has a daughter or son that are the exact opposite and she wishes they would be more willing to stick to a similar personal monetary policy.

Hopefully come June I'll be singing and swinging along with some jazz at Longwood Gardens on a warm late spring/almost summer day.  And with any luck I'll accidentally bump into a girl holding a glass of wine and I'll apologize to her for making her spill it and then proceed to buy her another glass.  And she'll say that it's really ok and that I don't have to do that.  And I'll insist and compliment her on her eyes.  And she'll blush and say "Are you sure?"

And I'll say... "Yes.  I have no reservations about buying you a glass of wine, and if you're willing, I'd like the chance to buy you another one."  And she'll say, "Well... I'm actually here with my boyfriend, so, I have to decline that offer."

And I'll reply with an, "Oh.  I understand."  And I'll turn to walk away, embarrassed at my only attempt to hit on a girl all day while standing there awkwardly alone at the festival checking my phone and responding to girls on the dating site.

Then as I start to walk away, a girl slightly tipsy on a good amount of wine will stop me and, "Hey wait."

"Yes?"  An incredibly cute girl TOTALLY my type will be standing there before me.

"That was sweet.  What you said to her... I thought that was so cute.  I'd take have taken you up on that offer if I were single."

"Oh."  I reply.  Ready to just get in my car and head back home.  Wondering why I waste my time and money with these stupid events anyways.  And I'll just be angry and annoyed at all the stupid love birds out there wondering how they actually ever meet someone in the first place let alone fall in love and get married.  "Well anyways I'm going to go.."

"Wait.  Sorry.  I was going to offer if you wanted to come meet some of my friends.  I saw you earlier.  One of them is single."

I hesitate. "Okay.  Sure." Then I think to myself, why are you looking at me if you have a boyfriend?  Turns out she isn't really in love with him.  The sex is good though.  And they have known one another so long that breaking up never works.  They always end up blowing up one another's hotline blings, Drake style.  But the problem is he just refuses to propose to her.  And every time she pushes it.  He breaks up with her.  And then she downs a bottle of wine and tells him to go fuck himself.

They're back together a week later.  Anyways, her friend isn't AT ALL my type.  But I sit next to her and buy her and all her friends a glass of wine because...  Then we friend one another on Facebook drunkenly.  Later on as I head back to my car me and that girl make out.

Vicky walks to her car and sees us in the distance thinking.  Aww, I remember when Dan used to kiss me like that.  Because for some reason her husband is named Dan.

She doesn't realize it's the same guy she spoke with on the phone about budgeting.  She thinks me and that girl are in love.  We're not.  I'm not really even all that attracted to her... It's just the alcohol.  Alcohol has that effect on people.  So does distance.

To steal a lyric from the song 'Such Great Heights' by The Postal Service...

"Everything looks perfect from far away."

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So today I signed up for Bumble.  I'm talking to a girl currently.  Already my very first impression of the app is...

There's no comparison.  The girls on Bumble are like 10 times the quality of OKCupid.  Like... Not even close.

And they don't have that angry tinge to their messages like OKCupid girls have because...

Guys can't message the girls.  Problem solved.  ALL of the dating sites will probably eventually change to this business model.

Girls message first.

Probably after Hillary Clinton wins the Whitehouse.  I mean, come on.  You KNOW it's going to happen.  Trump all you want... But...

Women out number men 2 to 1 in this country.  If the guys saying is... Bros before Hos...

What do you think the women vote is going to be?  This election will be a "Ladies night out tonight".  And you know how ladies are with sticking with one another before the men.


Women CEOs are on a rise.

Companies that HAVE WOMEN CEOs are generally run better than male CEOs.

I'm not going to cite my sources because... It's my blog and I'll write whatever the heck I want to write.



So... Yeah.  I signed up for that shiz in hopes of meeting the girl of my dreams... AKA the 100 day God challenge.  While I haven't yet met the girl of my dreams and gotten down on one knee and proposed to a girl I did have a pleasurable experience signing up for the app and then swiping and getting my first message.  To be honest?  She's not really my type.  I'll keep messaging her though because... Have to keep an open mind.  The girl I marry may not be my type at all.

I downloaded the app right after work.  It wasn't long before I had to stop using the app and head out.  I had to leave to head out to a fundraiser charity event for one of my coworkers.  They do this every year.  It's a charity event for raising money for children with childhood diseases.

Total success.  Lots of friends there from my work.  We basically closed down the joint.

I'm sure love will be great... like true mutual love.... Know you are going to marry that person type of love... and I can't wait for it... whoever the heck she is.

But sitting around a table shooting the shit with old friends is probably just as good... maybe even  better. Again, I have no idea since I've only ever wanted a girl that didn't want me, or had her want me but I'm not feeling it and never had the whole mutual love thing where we end up deciding we want to tie the knot.... I've got 99 days left until that happens...

That is... If God is up for the challenge.  If it doesn't... I don't know, I really feel like I'll probably stop believing in any sort of higher power.  I'll just be like... Whatever.  You couldn't be bothered to help me with ONE thing.  SO... I'm done giving you the time of day.

My sister is all super baptist and was trying to convince me about how much God cares about me.  I'm just like... Hey... All talk and no action.  I want some action.  If you're all high and mighty up there in the clouds... It would be CAKE to line up the world so that I cross paths with a girl.  Really it's not too much to ask for.

99 days before I'm just like over it and write the G-dude off forever.  Whatever.  I tried man.  I tried.  I tried SOOO hard to believe you were real.

But... I'm still single.  Here I am... so... you have 99 days left.

Now I WILL say that tonight was an attempt.  And I'll applaud the God attempt.  But it wasn't love.  Through a random string of events I ended up standing next to this girl named Sue and we started chatting.  Then we ended up heading towards the prop table/photo booth and taking some selfies with some props.  Yes... I PROBABLY could have asked her for a number or something like that...

She wasn't my type.  I know, I just said to give people that aren't my type a try... But sometimes the heart knows what it wants and doesn't want.

Anyways, I came to find out later she was already just starting to date some dude anyways.  Also I wasn't really all that attracted to her.

But I'll count that as God "trying" to find me a lady.

It's an ok start... She's no Wawa coffee though.  She was like luke warm decaf.

If I'm going to spend the REST of my life with this girl and share my millions of dollars with her...

I want someone that I at least leave feeling something at least kind of close to what I felt after the first date with Wawa coffee girl.

If not... I just keep swiping on Bumble.

My thing is.... I'm totally fine just being by myself.  I want someone that adds value to me.  Not takes away.

If I may be cocky for a second... In the words of my mom a couple of years ago.... "Be careful who you end up with, you stand to inherit a lot of money."

So I say... I'm going to be picky when it comes to love.  Why?  Because I don't want some girl coming in here and deciding that half my mom's crap belongs to her.  My mom needs to approve of this girl.  All of this stuff I now own and will eventually own... Is my moms.  So my mom needs to be ok with whoever this girl is.  If I think that my mom wouldn't have liked her...

She's out.  And trust me.  I know my mom's taste.

So... We'll see what Bumble brings me.  Hopefully I stumble via Bumble on to the girl of my dreams.

I really just want to meet a girl in real life though.  I mean... That's always bugged me.  Why can't I just meet a girl in real life?

Like tonight... NONE of them were single.  Even the one girl that I was talking to... Was off limits because she had started dating a guy.

Why can't I just go out in person and go to a bar and walk up to a girl and be like "Hey are you single?  Can I ask you on a date?"

And have her say... "Yeah.  Sure.  I totally am."

Instead in real life it's like ... "Well I'm kind of still sort of not really in a half relationship with my ex and some other guy I'm sort of maybe still dating but I don't really know if we are..."


This brings me to my final thought of the night...

I told the med school girl how I just thought that I wasn't feeling like my heart was in it.

Her text response?

"That's ok.  I was just using you for sex to get over my ex."

This is why I'm single and actually pretty happy to be single.  I'm just going to Gatsby it up.  Just be rich and single.

I try to be open and honest with you about my feelings and your response was...

"I was just using you for sex to get over my ex."

Don't get me wrong... I'd LOVE to meet a girl and tell the world via Instagram about my girlfriend and take selfies with her and I...

But seriously?  It's responses like that, that make me happy to be falling asleep alone tonight.

I have two words... "Fuck it."

And three more words...

"Who needs love."

I guess we'll see what Bumble brings.

And I guess we'll see what God brings (if God is real/actually reading my posts).  I mean... Why not prove yourself... Show the world that you have the power to lead me to love.  You know so many people are watching and waiting to see if I ever find love.  Why not ante up on your end of the wager?  Huh?  It's not like it would be THAT big of a thing for you.  It would be cake for you.  Just do it.  Help me end up like all the other people at this charity event tonight and help me find a girl that makes my heart skip a beat...

Help me find a girl that I want to marry and she wants to marry me.  That's all I'm asking for.

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A Follow Up To 100 Days: Wawa coffee

So some of my friends over the years have said.... Oh it sounds like you're comparing the girls you meet to the photography girl.

Which isn't true.  She was just the only girl so far that made me feel all crazy in love when I was around her.  So I'm not looking for another HER... I'm looking for a girl that gives me butterflies like that.  That I wanted more and more with each thing I found out about her.  That I just liked everything about her and always wanted to be around her more and more.

Here's an analogy...

The photography girl was like Wawa coffee.  I'd never had Wawa coffee before I met her.  Or... Rather... I'd never had caffeine.  She's caffeine.  Or that feeling that she produced inside of my heart is caffeine rather.  But the form of caffeine.  AKA those love feelings...

Were in the form of Wawa coffee.  Because the photography girl is Wawa coffee.

Following?  Ok good.  Stay with me...

As we all know, caffeine comes in other forms.  So... I just have to find another brand of coffee... OR... another drink all together that contains that feeling that Wawa coffee gave me in the form of caffeine.  Remember Wawa coffee is the photography girl...

So I'm simply looking for... another drink out there that has the same caffeine feeling just in aonther packaging.  AKA a different girl in a different body with a different personality and hairstyle and whatever... Different interests... Who knows...

But deep inside her core... When we collide paths on this planet and I sip.  I feel the same feeling I got from Wawa coffee... even though it's NOT Wawa coffee.

Same feeling that the caffeine in Miss Wawa coffee gave me.... Different drink.

THAT'S what I'm looking for.

I don't want to settle for just having water.  Or a soda.  And not feeling that caffeinated love feeling that I got from Wawa coffee.

That is all.

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100 Days Of Waiting

Ok.  So I had an idea this morning in the shower that maybe there IS no God.  Consider this... What kind of loving awesome God would have me fall in love with a girl only to have her want someone else?

Seems pretty darn cruel.  And on top of that this God decided to have me fall in love with her.  Then have things end up going that she would contact me every so often... Or rather since God controls everything... God would have her contact me every so often and then we'd end up getting into this thing where we read each other's online presence for years.... further prolonging the agony... because all I wanted to do was be around her in person.  But noooo... This God entity made it so that I could NOT be around her.

Then in the past year this God decided to not only take my mom  from me... But also have the girl that I had fallen for and wanted for 5 years... meet and fall for someone else and she now has a boyfriend.

Thanks God!  You're SOOOOO amazing.

Oh and on top of that... The money that my grandparents had intended for us to have... and my great grandparents too... It got all tied up in the courts for nearly 10 ish years.

Again... THANK GOD!  You're sooo rad.

Whatever.  I'm over it.  I've pretty much decided you don't exist.

But here's what I'm going to do.  I'll give you ONE chance.  In fact I'm going to give you 100 chances!  To prove you exist and that you actually give a damn about me.

For the next 100 days I'll post on Facebook my 100 days of the same prayer every day.  Help me find love.  Help me find a girlfriend like the girl that I fell in love with found a boyfriend.

If you can do that ONE simple thing.  If you can get me started on the way to marriage and spending the rest of my life with the girl of my dreams...

I'll believe like crazy.  I'll be like... THERE IS A GOD and THAT GOD IS INDEED GREAT.

At the moment.  If you do exist... You kind of suck.  Seriously.  This past year?  I mean come on.  Thanks, but no thanks.  You really do just suck at your job.

So here's my 100 days of prayer on Facebook for finding that one girl that I end up getting down on one knee and proposing to.  If I get to day 100 and I'm still single.

I'll just be incredibly sad.  Because I'll know that we're all alone on this planet and there isn't anyone watching out for us.

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Dear God

Please just listen to my ONE request/prayer.  I only have ONE.  That's it.  I've only EVER asked ONE thing...

TO meet and fall in love and marry a girl.  That's it.  That's all I have.

But it hasn't happened yet.  Which just makes me feel as though you don't listen to me.  Or you just don't exist.

Honestly... I don't know what I believe in.  I'm open to pretty much anything.  I'm technically Jewish... But I've been to all these different church type places and things and what not.  I mean... I'll honestly believe ANY of the faiths if that's what the girl I end up marrying wants.

So here's the deal... You do me a solid and answer my ONE and ONLY prayer... If you do actually exist or even listen to my trying to talk to me... Which apparently you haven't listened to me at ALL every time I've given the whole prayer requesting thing a shot.

Can you handle that?  Because it doesn't appear as though you can.  You just seem to not even care about me AT ALL or not even exit.

I just wish I could bump into the girl I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with already.  Everyone else I know seems to have found that person SO easy.  But here I am.  I can't seem to turn on any feelings for any girl that I meet these days.  I feel like it shouldn't be that hard.  So someone God... make me believe in you.  Make me feel as though you ACTUALLY give a damn about me or even know that I exist.  I have ONE request... only one.  That's it.

Just help me find her.

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Not At All What I was Expecting

So I finally decided to stalk my exe's Instagram after like 8 months of not looking at it.  Let's just say the guy that is her boyfriend... Isn't at all what I was expecting.  I'm sure he's a nice guy and all...

But... He's not so easy on the eyes.  Ok, so maybe I'm judging.  I only peeked at a few of the photos... whatever... I'm sure he's nice and looks are everything... And beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Sure I'm majorly jealous... and I'm KIND of dating someone now too anyways.  Not that I'm like in love with the girl I'm with... She's ok.  She's in med school.

To me easy on the eye girls aren't a big deal either.  I'm way more in to smarts.

I'm probably not going to marry the girl I'm dating-ish anyways.  I don't ever think I'll get married.  The problem with inheriting millions of dollars is...

How can I trust that you won't marry me just to divorce me and sue me for part of my wealth?

I'm in a super weird place.  In the next month or two I'll get my first distribution in the 50k range.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with it.  I'll probably add it to my trading account and start using it as investment capital.  I almost made a trade today where I would have gotten a 10 percent return in like 2 weeks time.  But I'm keeping the shares because I think they'll be worth way more in the coming weeks/months.

It's definitely just like... Every girl I've ever gone on a date with has just been nothing compared to that girl that I met so long ago.  But I can't figure out why that is.  She just really turned my world upside down.  So yeah... Mr. Not so easy on the eyes... But probably a nice guy or a Christian obviously has something she likes.  Good for her.

He's probably got a multimillion dollar trust fund as well... who knows.  Money isn't everything.  Looks aren't everything either.

Whatever it is this current med school girl doesn't have that my ex has... I couldn't tell you.  They are both super smart.... Super funny... and the med school girl is cute.  I mean she's no where near as cute as my ex is... But she's cute.

Hmmm... Eh.  I just have pretty much decided that I really don't think I'll ever want to the the knot.  I'll probably keep working on my book about the wedding photographer girl that way she was when I met her waaaaay back when.  I'll use my new found wealth to trade... Make more wealth... make more music... Make books... eventually get into movies... Etc. etc.

I'd LOVE to one day meet a girl that turned my world upside down WAY more than she did... But at this point... I could care less about the whole finding love thing.

I'll definitely never say "I love you" to any girl.  I just never could imagine meeting a girl and feeling the way I did about her about someone new.  I went out last night and spent like 60 bucks taking the med school girl out.  Whatever... the conversation was ok... She enjoyed it.

So anyways... I stalked my exe's Instagram and it was the same feeling when I finally looked at my ex from colleges stuff when she was all about her new boyfriend.  All the feeling I had for her just went out the window and I could care less.

So I'm basically having the same feelings that I had in the fall of 2009 right after my college girlfriend met her now husband... and I'm assuming that the girl I fell in love with is going to end up marrying her current boyfriend.

But that's what happens I guess.  People fall in love and get married.  I'm no where near in love with med school girl.  Sure she's nice.  But...

I don't know.  She just doesn't make my heart skip a beat.  I should probably tell her that eventually.  But... I'll let it go a little while longer to see if anything develops.

I was out tonight with the yoga people and talked to plenty of girls.  Most of the dozen girls I chatted with all had boyfriends.  None off them interested me.

I don't know.  Most of them just are... plain.  The photography girl had a crazy interesting personality.  It's the way she said stuff.  She was funny... talented.  Unique.  Definitely SUPER good looking too...

Who knows... Maybe one day I'll fall for a girl and people will point at her and say... "Her?  REALLY?  But she's..."

And I'll just say... "She's nice."  Or "There's more to someone than their looks."

I have no idea.  Right now it's just a waiting game with my life.  I'm just drifting.  I'm still kind of hoping to meet a girl that I'd LOVE to show off to everyone I know as my "Girlfriend".  But I just don't see it happening.  What I do see happening... Because I already know it's going to happen because that's what the trusts dictate...

Is that 6 months from now I'll have a few hundred thousand dollars in the bank.  A house... with no mortgage on it... and even more in the trust that I'll be able to make a phone call to get anything I really need paid for for me.  New car?  Sure.  House repairs?  Done.  Any other living expense?  Yep.

I suppose if I DID get married... My wife and I would be able to just have things paid for on our behalf.  Although some people like working and making their own way in this world.  So that could not even be something that any girl I might possible date could even remotely care about.  It's nice to know it's there though.  Like I'm probably going to buy a new fridge and washer and dryer in the next few months after I get my first distribution.

But... Like I said... unless I just settled, even for the med school girl that I have NO feelings for what so ever...

I'm just going to end up hopelessly single.  I don't know how people do it.  I'm sure she's super attracted to him.  And hey good for them.

I wish I could find a girl that I found super attractive just like she does him.  I wish I could meet a girl that I just felt so sure of I could Instagram that she was my girlfriend.  But I just don't feel that way about anyone I meet.  I haven't felt that way since I met that girl.

Somedays I wish I had never met her.  Yeah... That's mean.  But some days it's true.  Some days I wish I had NEVER crossed paths with her.  I wish I didn't have her on my mind ALL the time.

But oh well.  What can you do but just sit and wait and hope that something better is down the road.

I guess I can just continue to date girls... Bring them home to my house... have them say "WOW... THIS is where you live?"

Yes.  This is where I live.  It's not THAT big of a deal.

So what.  It's a house.  Who cares.  Yes there's no mortgage on it.  Who cares.  I hold the upper hand always because I have no feelings what so ever for you.

I'll always hold the upper hand in dating now.  Because I'll never meet a girl that I care about ever since I met that one girl.  The person who loves less in any relationship always hold the upperhand.  And every girl I seem to date...

I just don't have any feelings for.  They just never seem to have what that one girl had.

Maybe one day I'll just be able to fake it and pretend I love the girl I'm with.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Take them out to dinner... Toss my credit card down that doesn't have a balance on it and never will have a balance on it because there will always be tons of money to pay the bill in full every month even if I went 5 years without a job.

The thing about my current situation is EVERY girl I meet is interested... It's not like one or two are kind of interested... THEY ALL ARE.

I own my own home... I have a multimillion dollar trust fund... and I don't have a mom.

EVERY single girl I talk to... Is like... "awww you poor thing."  And they are ALL interested in dating me.

But I'm not interested in any of them.  I still secretly wish I could have ended up with the girl that ended up with the guy that's not so easy on the eyes.

Oh well.  Such is life.  I'm happy to be alone anyways.  I'd rather wake up alone than to wake up next to someone  I don't have any feelings for or I'm not even remotely attracted to.

I guess I'll just keep meandering alone along my path in life until one day I too can find someone that I actually could be happy with and she could be happy with me.

Who knows.  Right now I'll say... It's never going to happen.  But I'm sure there are plenty of married people out there.... Or people in love that were in the same place I was.  Going on dates with someone they weren't really all that interested in... wondering if they'd ever find love.  Still thinking about someone they had fallen in love with years before.

I guess I don't much care at this point.  I'm probably just going to sell this house, ramp up my trading efforts... Push my swing/day trading salary into the hundreds of thousands of dollar range in the next couple years.... and just say fuck it to everyone and everything I currently know and travel the world.

It's sad really because I WISH I had what she had.  I wish I had a job and a significant other that I loved.  But I don't.  And I doubt I ever will.

But... I just have to keep going in life and see what comes next.

For now I'll stick with my... Loving the person you're with... And loving your job... Is for the birds.

And I'll just admit that I'm incredibly bored with everyone I know or meet these days.  They are all so un interesting compared to her.  And aside from the making music thing... Or writing books thing... I'm incredibly bored with my life and my job.

I'd say... Maybe this God person will lead me to something better... But I spent the last 5 years giving that whole prayer thing a shot and every single one I ever sent up to the heavens was completely ignored.

Life is so boring and dull these days for me.  I don't know.  My dreams are interesting at least.

Maybe I'll just slowly push this med school girl away and head back to the dating site... I don't know.  My one friend from yoga was telling me tonight that he met his current love interest on Bumble.  Maybe I'll sign up for a Bumble profile this weekend.

See if that leads to anything.

Or maybe I can just admit that I had a chance years ago with the only girl on the planet to really ever make my heart skip a beat... and lost it.  And that she's completely happy with some new guy...

and my own two options now are... Settle for a girl that I could care less about.  Or be alone.

Honestly... I'd rather just be alone.  Kissing a girl I have no feelings for... Has been the worst experience in the last month for me.  Even last night when I kissed her...

It was just the worst.  Especially knowing that she's super interested in me.  But I'm not even the last bit interested in her.

Sigh.  Oh well.  I guess that's how love goes right?

Tomorrow I have work.  Tomorrow night I'm going to a charity event for my coworker.  It's to raise money for kids with childhood diseases.  I've been going to these events for years.  It's always the same dull/boring/ already married people.

Oh well.  Such is life.  All these people around me that have love....

and me... painfully going on dates with a girl that borderline annoys me that I have to pretend that I like and pretend to kiss her back when she kisses me.

Blah.  That's dating though.  That's life.  That's love.

Anyways... I'll blog about the events of tomorrow night and let you know if anything interested happens.

But I can almost guarantee 100 percent that tomorrow night will be the exact same as all the other nights I've gone out.  I'll have a couple beers.  I'll eat some food.  I'll have a couple meaningless/fake conversations and I'll come back home and fall asleep wondering if there is anyone out there besides that photography girl that I could ever genuinely fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with.

I wish... I wish sooo much there were a girl.  But these days... I just don't see that happening.  I see me just eventually settling for a girl that I don't actually want to be with.  But we're just together because... Isn't that what people do?  They pair off and call the person their girlfriend (or boyfriend for the girls).  They post crap online about how they like the person their with.  And all that stuff....

I could do that.  But it would be a lie.  At least... with the med school girl it would.  And with any of the other girls I've ever dated besides the photography girl it would be a lie as well.

Love.  It's such a stupid concept.  You're supposed to actually WANT the person you're with and they want you back?

To that I have one thing to say... Yeah... Ok. (I'm being sarcastic)

I WISH I could meet a girl and fall for her and end up married or at least Instagramming about her being my girlfriend.  That's like the only thing I've ever wished for...



But... I won't hold my breath that it will ever happen.

Maybe most people that are together are just faking it anyways.  Maybe they aren't actually interested in one another and it's just all for show.  Who knows.  I don't know.  I guess if I DO end up finally meeting a girl that changes my tune I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.  But right now...

I don't think I really believe in love.  I really don't.

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