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Total Train Wreck

So this weekend was pretty much a train wreck in the single life world.  This is why I'm totally envious of married people.  They don't know the stuff us single people have to put up with.

Anyway, Saturday night I went to a party and it was like... An alright party, but then this guy who I thought was just being friendly... basically started not letting up on his friendliness.  He started following me around.  And then kind of OVERLY laughed at my jokes.

I was like... Okay. I KNOW what's going on here.

Then he like gave me an awkward "Can I give you a hug just because?"

I was like... no thanks.

He did anyway.

The line was drawn when he like kind of patted me on the back, but not in a "bro" way, it was like... Hand resting and then kind of lingering there for a second.  And then I was just like... Yeah this is totally awkward.

See my plan was just to kind of... try to avoid him as much as possible once I figured out what was going on.

I didn't want to just be like... "Sooo you know I'm straight right?"

Because how embarrassing is that for someone who's gay?

I feel like a gay person to get it wrong has to be THE most embarrassing thing ever.

Especially because other people started noticing it at the party.  Which was about the time when I was like... "Yawn!  Well, will you look  at the time!"

And I took off.

I also didn't really want the confrontation of being like... I'm not into you because I like women.  And then have to deal with an upset person being all pouting for the rest of the night.

It was a lot of pressure.

I just wanted to kind of be nice and make my exist unnoticed.

Which to me was the best way to handle it.

Of course as I was leaving he was like... "So, you should come back later and..."

I was like no.  "I won't be back later... Sorry."

He was also just really really drunk.

To be fair, the party theme was woodstock and I made the mistake of wearing a festive looking shirt.

So really it was kind of my fault I guess because maybe the shirt give him the wrong idea.  You know?

Obviously, as a guy, women don't hit on men.  So, I don't know how to play that whole body language game to show that you're not into someone.

I see it ALL the time in bars though... Which, after Saturday night, is totally a lot clearer to me now.

It's funny because I USED to think women were just being "mean" or "rude".

It must be really hard for a woman to go out to a bar or club.  I mean, so let's say you DO want to meet someone...

Just like I want to meet someone.  SO, I go out to parties that I get invited to... and then, ugh.  Here's this guy totally with the wrong idea and now I have to figure out a way to TELL him I'm not interested because I'm straight, or... Just kind of avoid him until I leave.  Because if I TELL him, he'll probably get all upset and then things get really awkward and weird and then everyone TOTALLY knows because it was embarrassing as hell because here I am a straight guy attracting a gay guy.

And then I'm like... Did I DO something to bring this on?  Did my woodstock looking party themed shirt seem to indicate a secret signal that the LGBTQ community uses to signify to one another "hey, we're a go for launch over here".

Was it my fault?

Obviously I should have just said something as SOON as I figured it all out.

But by then it was like... SOOOO embarrassing for me and now for him because he's going to be in a spot where he was trying to go for something that wasn't "go"-able.

It just wasn't a fun situation all around.

Anyway it's over now, and he went his way and I went mine.

But the experience and uncomfortableness of it, totally gave me insight into some of the circumstances that women must go through.

This brings me to Sunday... So, I went on another first date, Bumble.

Actually, it was a nice date, I mean we chatted and drank coffee, at the end of the date she was like, if you want to do something again I'm down, and then she was like, feel free to send me your number over Bumble.

SO I did that.

She hasn't responded yet.

Previously I would have maybe been like... "Hey, SOOOO... You seemed interested... on the date.... But now there's no response..."

After what happened on Saturday night, hey, if she doesn't respond, she doesn't respond.

Because maybe she wasn't interested on the date at all, and maybe she even said what she said because she was afraid of an embarrassing moment, or because if she told me she wasn't interested... I might get upset or any number of things.

Which kind of makes me think though, I mean... How many times do women just be nice to a guy just because they don't want to have to deal with the whole aftermath of being truthful.

I kind of think it happens a lot.

Which is crazy.

It must though.

I mean, obviously I felt so embarrassed and weird about just telling that guy the truth and instead I just tried to avoid him and leave the party, which I eventually just did leave.  I may have stayed longer if he wasn't there and the situation wasn't happening.

How many times have women left bars, or parties because some guy was making them uncomfortable?

Probably a lot.

My thing now is, like for example when I was trying to talk to the crush at camp...

Did she totally feel uncomfortable?


So, when we were on the bus out on town the one night, there was a situation where she paid the tab for someone who skipped out on the bill.

I then said to her... "I'll buy you a drink at the next bar!  You're next drink is on me!"

And, you know, in my mind, it was one of two ways... It was partly just being friendly and being like... Hey, that was nice of you to pay it forward, I'm going to cover you.

But she knew that wasn't the only case.  She could tell the way I looked at her from across the room sometimes because as much as I don't want to admit it... She caught me more than once.

And of course I'd look at away and feel stupid.

I mean, I had a crush on her, and so, sure, I mean... I knew I was doing it, and in a way, I didn't want to... But I did.

So when I said it, she just kind of turned her back to me on the bus and sort of said "no you don't have to do that".

And her body language was just like... Pretty clear.

SO I mean, after that at the next place, I just avoided her.  I really just avoided her the rest of the night.  And really I kind of avoided her pretty much until the night that we crossed paths and the whole sleeping bag incident happened.

I really just tried to avoid her the rest of the time I was there.

Because I didn't want to be that person who made things awkward or embarrassing because I couldn't pick up on the signal or hint.

I mean, also, she was already with someone else, which I didn't know at the time that I offered the drink.

Anyway, so then I bought a drink at the next place for someone else...

Which, she kind of gave me a look like, she was genuinely thankful.

And that was a whole other ball of wax.

My thing with her was that I didn't think she could possibly like me.  I mean, not that I thought the crush could like me either.

Not that I think anyone at camp could like me.  I'm not there as a full summer staff member.  I'm older... Which is my initial thing.

I'm 35.

It's awkward.

Who wants to date a 30 something guy when you're in your 20s?

Especially the one girl I bought the drink for... I mean, she's like... I THINK 22.

I'm 13 years older than her.

SURE, I totally would have given her a chance and been interested in her...

But, I guess I felt weird about the age difference.

And I mean, I feel the same now about it with the crush.  But obviously I had a crush and when you're in a crush, it's blinding.

At the time it was no good.

ANWAY... To wrap up.  It's been more train wreckness.

Obviously camp was a bit of a hot mess too.

It's all a hot mess when you're single.

Because people don't just say what's on their mind.  And most of it is out of fear of how that other person will react.  Or what they are really thinking.

Just like, I didn't know what the girl I bought the drink for was thinking.  She might have just been like... "Oooh, free drink!"  Or she might have been like... "Does he like me or think I'm cute?"

To which the answer is... Yes, she is cute, and kind of dig her, yeah... And if I hadn't have had the stupid crush on the other girl, I would have probably maybe talked to her more.  C'est la vie.

I mean, that's the problem with it all.  I don't know if maybe the date I went on Sunday, she might just have not gotten my last message.

Or maybe she really wasn't interested just like I wasn't interested in the dude that was trying to make some mistaken move.

It would be SOO much easier if we could all just read each other's minds.

See married people have it all, they don't have to worry about all this nightmare.

Because in way they do read one another's minds.  They know each other really well, and they can kind of predict what each other is thinking.

When you don't know the person that well, you can't tell.

And unless you just say things you're thinking... No one can know.  Of course the problem with just saying things sometimes is people are like... "Wait WHAT?"

And then you're just like... See, I was better off just keeping that to myself.

It's just awkward in general being single.


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