BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

Fate

So here's one of the things I can't stop thinking about.  It's the weird timeline of events that occurred.

I mean... I guess I don't get it.

My question is... What's the why?

Okay, let me explain.

Let's start at the beginning.  Let's start with the crush.

So, I get to camp... and just like it is EVERY year... It's the usual hellos.

Honestly though, this year?  I just wanted to do my work and go at the end.  The number one thing on my mind was just how much work I want to do around the house.  I PURPOSELY didn't want to really get all that involved with anything other than doing the work and then doing my own thing.

And here's the thing... The crush has worked at  the camp for like 4 years now.  So, it's not like it was all gaga at first sight.  I'd met her before.  Sure, I'd thought she was cute in previous years, but I just wasn't that into her.

And who knows, maybe it was because I didn't think I had a chance in the world with her.  Eh, I still think that.  And obviously, she's into another counselor there...

And that's the thing about it all...

I like to be realistic about life.  If on a realistic level there's no actual genuine possibility of something happening... I keep my thoughts grounded.

It works like 99 percent of the time.

This is why I don't really have celebrity fandom.  Because, why?  That celebrity will never reciprocate.  Anyone who becomes TOTALLY enamored with a famous person, my question is, what's the point?  The famous person will never know you even exist.  So why bother?

That's always been my view with a crush.

Don't bother.  It's probably not a mutual feeling.

Anyway, that's how I felt about this crush.  Which is why she was never a crush.

That's how it was when I arrived.

And see my thing is the camp details, they go on all summer.  The storyline starts when everyone arrives and it goes until camp is over.

My thing is ALWAYS that I don't want to affect that storyline.  I don't want my actions to have a negative impact on the storyline of camp and the counselors.

And I've always maintained that.

I don't know what happened this year.  She just... had some kind of effect on me.

Her laugh, I guess.  And the silly fanny pack she wore.  And her quirky sense of humor.

I don't know.  Like I said, she's cute.  But that's never what hooks me in.

I mean, heck, one of the people involved in stealing my stuff and using it in the middle of the night I thought was cute too.

Being cute doesn't capture my attention.

It's the way a girl says things.  Being unique and interesting...

Well anyway for some reason, it clicked on... I guess one day she laughed and I smiled.  Or she made a cheesy joke and it just... Happened.

The first wave, a small flutter.  A ripple in the water.  And it wasn't anything either that I thought much of at first.

It's like how you don't notice a light breeze because it's nice.  But when the wind picks up and starts blowing things around you start to divert your attention and worry if a storm is coming.

And that's what eventually happened.

I started to avoid talking to her a little.

I knew what was happening.  When I avoided her, she said hello.  It made it worse.

Then I went out of my way to say hello to her.  Or ask her about her day.  Or ask her about the song she played the night before.

The way I know something is happening with me, is if I wake up with someone on my mind.  That's happened a few times.

The first time that happened a few days in I knew I needed to make sure I squashed any feelings I had.  After all, I just needed to get thorough until after I left camp.  I'm not there the full time, like I said, I'm only there two weeks.

I just had to hold out and let it all pass until I got home, and didn't see her smile, hear her laugh, have her walk by me, have her talk to me, look me in the eyes.

It didn't work.

Ugh.

It didn't work at all.

My heart raced whenever she came near me.  I tensed up.  I couldn't think of anything to say coherent.

I said the stupidest stuff and felt so embarrassed.

She gave me butterflies just being around her.

Just looking at her.

Even last night, when I left and she asked me to hand her her water bottle from a desk in the main office because she was already going out the door with a camper and I was standing beside it...

Just her saying my name and asking me if I could hand her the water bottle.  I melted.  Even though at that point I already knew she was with another guy... I still melted.

I jumped at the words to ask me to do her a favor.  I said yes... immediately... and she asked if I could hand her her water bottle... and I said yes without hesitation.

And she said, "That water bottle looking thing there... on the desk..."

And said "you mean the water bottle?"

and she said back... "Yes... I'm... Words are hard today for me." and looked right at me.

And I melted.  I smiled slightly and just... handed the water bottle to her, my heart raced a thousand miles a minute.

God.  I don't know.

You can't just turn it off.  You can't just make it go away.

And I didn't want it to go away...

I'm home now... and I'm waiting for it to fade.  Still just thinking about her... It just... Makes me feel like... I don't know... It's that feeling, that feeling in your chest.

Well anyway...

So the night that I found out she was with another guy, and I walked up and felt insanely jealous.

And then all of a sudden her and I and the other guy were walking beside me.

That was the worst.

I felt just... Like foolish.  Completely.

I didn't want to look at either of them.  But there I was using my flashlight to light their way and make sure they didn't step in the puddles.

I wanted to run.  I wanted to get in my car and drive off back home right then and there.

I don't know, and then a few seconds later when she held the door for me and looked at me...

I just thought, she's a genuine person.  And whoever she wants... That's the way it goes.

It doesn't matter what I feel.

That's when I sat down in the lodge and wrote the first jealousy alley blog post.

I just wanted to let them go.  I wanted to focus on going back to not having an effect on the timeline of the staff.

I had let myself get caught up and I decided to try and check those emotions.

It didn't work.  I just felt foolish and stupid.  And then all I wanted to do was go to bed.

So the last thing I heard as the two of them were leaving the lodge was that the guy asked where they could find a sleeping bag.

I assume, that they were going to go to the staff lounge where I was sleeping.

I just thought how perfect that was.  Of all the scenarios and situations...

The ONE girl that I totally develop a crush on, has to go back to the same cabin where I'm sleeping.

And all I wanted to do was just go back and go to bed and not think about anything further.

I figured if they had gone back, after an hour, they would probably both be asleep.

That was hard enough to get beyond.  The idea that I had to spend the night in the same vicinity as the girl I'm crushing on completely crushing on... But I mustered up the will to just go back, and go to sleep.

That's when my stuff was gone from my bed.

When I left to go on a walk because I couldn't think straight, I just thought...

I mean, what are the odds that all of this would happen in this order?

There has to be some kind of fate type of thing happening and there has to be a reason this is happening.

The girl I start to feel feelings for... She's with another dude, not anywhere, but in the same cabin (although I later find out she's on the other side of a divider, but still), and even my plan to just crawl under the covers and go to sleep to stop thinking can no longer happen because other counselors have accidentally taken my stuff and used it for themselves instead.

I didn't get why this is happening to me.

I still don't.

And I just wanted to leave.  To just call it quits and get in my car and leave.  But I couldn't because my stuff was being used.

I was stuck.

And just... so embarrassed and confused.

It couldn't have been chance.  There had to have been a fate mechanism to it all.  What are the odds?

And then the next day, she comes up to me and sits down across from me... and of course it's the worst.  It's the worst ever because my heart is beating a million miles a minute.

And I know she's with another guy already.

And she's telling me how she thanked me for "being a bro" the night before.

Which I tried to play off as cool.  And was just like oh, no problem, you know, just wanted to give you two privacy.

But I just didn't want to be near her... because I was jealous, so jealous.  It hit me like wave.  Just like a big wave at the beach and it breaks in your chest and knocks the wind out of you.

And then she leans in more and at a lower voice she apologizes that my stuff was taken from me.

And she kind of makes contact just to comfort me...

Ugh.  It was the worst.

It was just... Awful.

Because it was just like... She was being so genuine, but not the genuine feelings I wanted in my direction.

It was empathy.

Which was the worst thing ever.

I didn't want her to feel bad for me.

When you have a crush on someone, sympathy and empathy are the worst.

Because it means... It's not a mutual thing.  It's like... I care about you, but not for you.

And that's when the wave breaks over your head and you might as well just drown.

And I'm just sitting there like...

Why is this happening?

Why did my plan go so wrong?  I planned to just go to sleep, avoid it all, I planned to do very specific things....

And the exact opposite happened anyway.

I planned to avoid her, and I couldn't.

It was just like our paths intertwined even further and the more I tried to fight it, the more it happened.

And now, I can't stop thinking about her and wondering if she's thinking about me in any capacity... I know she's with another guy... But here I am still like...

What the heck do I do to make me not care anymore.

It's like, fine, I liked her, whatever, then why not just have her dancing with another guy, and then her and the other guy go off in another direction.  And that's that.

Why on that night, did we end up walking up together.  I SPECIFICALLY left when I saw them dancing with one another and went to my car and then grabbed my stuff an was going right for my bed.

THAT was my plan.

WHY have her sync up with walking up with me, her and him.  Why have them head to the same cabin I'm staying in... Even if on another side of the cabin.

Why then have someone steal my stuff so I cant just go to sleep and not think about it.  Why have her then have to become involved in it because she's one of the group leaders and now they have to make an announcement about it.  And then she sits down to talk to me about it...

And then I go out of my way to buy pizza and cider and make a big speech in front of everyone to forgive the people who did it, and then the one guy who did it comes up to me to apologize...

And then I say that.

It's like this whole timeline of stuff...

But it was just like too perfect.

Like it forced me and intertwined me.

Even though I tried to run and forget it all, I couldn't.

And now it's worse.

Because if all of this didn't happen, I'm sure I wouldn't be still thinking about it so much, and thinking about her so much.

And that's what just makes no sense to me.  Like as though it's some kind of fate thing that's supposed to teach me about having a crush on someone.

Or teach me something.

Or show me something.

And the best I got out of it, was the way it made me feel by having no way out, by being cornered and having to face it all, and have my stuff used by someone else and not being able to hide from my feelings or jealousy.

Having another guy with the girl I had a crush on... and having feelings forced in front of me and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

Being controlled by circumstance and fate and having no control over what I'm supposed to do because everything I tried to do, was thwarted.

So I gave up and just sat in the lodge that night... Confused and jealous and unable to do anything about any of it but sit there.

But it's just like, there is a reason for all this but I'm just not sure exactly what that reason is supposed to be.  And that's my thing. It couldn't have just all been a random string of events.  It was too coincidental, and I felt too trapped and forced into the situation for it to all just be random.

It was fate... But the outcome from it is just, I feel like... Weird now about how I feel.

I'm worried I changed the timeline of events for camp, which was the OPPOSITE of my plans... and I feel like I was forced into having jealousy pushed into my face and having my stuff taken from me and feeling just, lost.

But why couldn't I just stick to the plan... That's what i don't get I guess.

And why am I now still thinking about her.

None of it makes any sense to me at this point.

And so my new plan is to just let it all be, and let it all go... Her and I don't talk, and we're not Facebook friends or anything like that... So, may plan of action is to just let it all fizzle out.  Eventually, my thoughts about her will fade, and eventually... We'll go back to how things were before I even left for camp.

And I'll just stick by my lesson out of it is that it was to help me to see more insight into those who have been in situations where they were forced without consent.  The lesson to know, is to be able to feel empathetic to that situation for individuals... And I'm okay with that if that was the point.

But now my plan is to just let it go and let the waves settle back down.  Let the strong feelings and emotions settle themselves down back to calm waters.  Just takes time, that's all.

And if fate happens to intervene once again in some way... Then hopefully it will finally reveal an answer or a reason as to why it intervened in the first place.