BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

Pull

So lately I've been working on a new book.  It involves the concept of the "pull" feeling that I felt from Kara.  I'm not even going to bother being all cryptic anymore about her name.  Because at this point in things it doesn't matter.  The book is actually not specifically about the "pull" feeling, but it involves that concept...

But, it's such a curious thing that happened.  The idea that I would physically ache to the point where it was almost unbearable that we couldn't talk.  I wonder if it could be replicated by any two individuals where they date for a little while and then one of the people stops talking to the other but the person who stopped talking to the other person just reads the other person's thoughts on social media.

It's a bit like some kind of Mind-Fi type of thing happening.

Or, is it something about her specially.  Is it something about our two minds?  Where I was just receptive to her thoughts and she transmitted thoughts out?

I've kind of blogged about this before.  But it just fascinates me.  I've never had this type of connection with anyone else I've ever met.  The ability for it to feel like she's physically pulling at my heart from a thousand miles away.

All of the nights I wanted to message her, all of the times I wanted to text her... But I never did.

I'll probably think about this forever and ever.  Maybe one day I'll finally figure it out.  Maybe I'll meet someone else that this happens with.

A thought connection.  Having someone read your blog posts is a bit like having someone read your mind.  And when they are thinking about what you wrote and then thinking about what you're going to write next... They are still thinking about you, so you think about them.  And then you think about one another.

I wonder what it's like to be a writer of a blockbuster book, and have all these people thinking in your direction while they read it.  Or while they are waiting for the next book.  I've wondered if other people that she knows have felt the thought connection with her.

Recently I had a realization that... After 6 years of her reading my blog posts... maybe I'm not the only one?  Maybe she has other guys that she's dated but no longer talks to and she reads their blogs too (provided they write blogs).  Or just other social media in general.  Maybe she reads lots of people's social media and blogs that she doesn't actually talk to anymore.  That kind of makes the whole idea that she read my stuff for so long kind of... Not as significant as I once thought.

If it's just something she does.  In which case... I shouldn't have ever stared at that little dot on the map in Google analytics and wished that I could talk to her.  Wished that she could be more than just a spectator reading my posts.

So many posts and so many bog hits.  So many times that she crossed my mind.  That I would recite her name in my mind and think about her.  I mean I still think about her.  But at this point, it's kind of just like...

Why?  It's not like we'll ever be together.  She's busy being all lovey dovey with someone else anyways.

So what do I care?  Why should I even still think about her?  But I do still think about her.  If  I had to guess the number of times I think about her a day?  Probably a couple hundred times a day.  I know, ridiculous.  But I can't NOT think about her.  I've tried.  And it's no use.

Well anyways, I don't know.  All I know is, I just have to keep going on more first dates... Just have to keep hoping that I end up going on a first date again like I did on that one first date back in March of 2010 at the Gryphon Cafe.  Have to hope that I meet another mind-fi girl like her.

Or maybe not a girl like her at all.  I don't know, I'd like to just fall in love again.  I'd like to just feel something for someone new.  I want to be caught off guard again.  To have my heart captivated.

Maybe it will never happen again.  Maybe one day I'll just finally be like... "You'll do" to someone I'm on a date with.  And just end up with her, not because she made me feel anything close to how Kara made me feel, but... Because if I wait any longer... I might just end up alone.  Better to be with someone even if they don't give you that "The one" feeling.  I guess?  Who knows.  I feel like only a very small amount of people actually ARE in love with the person they are with.  The rest are just with someone because dating sucks and when you find someone that's in the "good enough" range... then most people just shrug their shoulders and say "Ehhhhhhhh.... Good enough."

And then they end up fighting with each other in line at the local Walmart about some 3 dollar item and why they are buying it when they have more then they already need at home...

And you think... Is that love?  Is that what people write songs and books and movies about?  Is that what people spend 50 or 100 grand on to invite all their friends and relatives to for a special celebratory festive day?

I guess.  Oh love.  I just feel like maybe someone that actually just does it for you only comes around once a life time.  If you mess it up... You just have to, in a way, settle.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it will come around for me again and it will go right that time.

I have my doubts.

What I don't have my doubts about is all of the creative things I came up with because of Kara.  Of the books I've started to write and the one I almost have finished.  All of these blog posts I wrote... All for you.  The 300 dollar bouquet of roses I had sent to your work place back in the day.  The song I wrote.  That time I also got into photography... That time I went to church...

The MILLIONS of times I recited your name in my mind thinking about you.

You've left a crazy mark on my lifepath.  I can't imagine anyone having that sort of effect on me.  You're a fascinating girl.  Not a single girl on the planet anything close to how cool you are.

Or were I guess...

But hey... There's always settling.  There's always that fight in line at Walmart about the 3 dollar item that we can't decide if we already have enough at home or need more.

Or maybe one of these days I'll stop thinking about you and writing blogs about you and there will be someone new that I write about.  Who knows.  Only time will tell.