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Why I’m Probably Never Going To Actually End Up Married

So, I'd love to get married one day.  Almost everyone I know is married.  But, at 33, I've pretty much come to the realization that it's most likely never going to happen for me.

Here's why:

1. Almost everyone I know is married.  So meeting someone that I find attractive enough to propose to without just doing it as a motion that you're supposed to do, is highly unlikely.  Because the girls that I'm attracted to, physically and personality wise and for their creative talents, and smarts.... Etc. etc. Already have a guy that has snatched them up.  So.. there are plenty of girls I'm interested in... But they aren't single.  Because... why would she be?  I mean... girls get hit on ALL the time.  The more funny, smart, talented, creative, cute she is... The more suitors she has.  And who am I?  Why should she give me the time of day when there's a 6 foot 2 tall dark and handsome guy in the corner wearing the latest most expensive fashion trends... that he probably bought on credit with his maxed out credit card and his leased sports car that he can barely afford the payments on... but who cares about the future and retirement and living well into old age if... it gets the lady right now.
2. This brings me to the girls that are single/on dating sites... Out in bars or at coffee shops or wherever... a 100 thousand dollars is not a lot of money.  It's really not.  All of the girls I meet... Think it is.  At least around here.  I know in other areas, like in California or in Florida it's chump change because everyone in LA or Miami is basically in the million dollar range and makes above 100 thousand a year.  So to them it's just like not a lot of money at all.  But that's one of the reasons why I don't live in those areas.  I'd rather be a big fish in a small pond.  In LA or Miami, i'd be a peasant even with a million dollars in the bank.  Because people in those areas are all kinds of wealthy.  But they are also flashy and into keeping up with the joneses.  I could care less about the joneses.  I don't want to travel the globe.  I just want to stay at home and work on my books and music.  I don't want to have the finest most fanciest stuff that money can buy like the Miami/NYC/LA millionaires.  I'd rather just live and work and be an every day person.  So if I took my money to NYC... I'd be a nobody.  But with the girls around here with their situation versus my situation now... To them even a hundred thousand dollars is a crazy amount of money, even though it's not.  Ask the Miami girls out on the town in South Beach.  They will scoff at you because their boyfriends/husbands make half a million a year doing whatever it is they do.  But they also spend all their money on luxurious travel lifestyles.  Which is completely not what I'm all about at all.  So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place...  This is a problem.  Because the girls around here that I DO go on dates with that are like you have HOW much in the bank???  WOW! (Even though it's not wow at all compared to those Miami girls, but that's because everyone in Miami is rich and drives a sports car.. The South Florida Flash... I believe is what it's referred to as.  Where everyone is all about tying to one up everyone else.)  Anyways... so... how can I trust that if I marry that girl... Here I am living in a house... here I am with fairly sizable investments... How do I know that your intentions aren't malicious?  How can I trust you?  I can't really.  How do I know you won't try to get me to put you in my will and then you poison me at night?  Or you marry me and quickly divorce me?  You're living month to month barely able to afford rent bar tending at night in addition to your 3 other jobs.  I could not work for years and years and still not worry about money.  But I work because I enjoy working.  I have a strong moral compass and strong work ethic and I want the same in a significant other.  I want someone that wants to always work... That isn't interested in having a fancy house and a sports car and keeping up with The Joneses and having the latest and greatest fashion trends.  Yeah, sure... Splurge every once in a while... But don't have your eyes set on depleting our bank account.  Budget for that stuff.  But be more interested in things that matter... like helping out your community and your fellow neighbor in a time of need.
3. This brings me to the next thing.  I own a house now.  I meet girls that are single that are super transient.  They are in the Philly area maybe for a month... Or a year.  Or who knows.  They might take off and move to some new place next week.  They might go backpack Europe.  Who knows where the wind might take them.  The commitment level is next to nothing.  I've been at the same job for 10 years now.  I mean yes, I'd prefer to make a living doing music or writing books but it's just not possible yet.  I'm also now an owner of a house with no mortgage that I'm also fairly attached to because it has memories of my mom.  I'm not just going to move next week and go live in some new place.  It's a good idea in theory, but I'd be a fool to give up a house that practically has brand new everything... New windows, new roof, new HVAC system... New back porch.  New gutters, new siding... There are a lot of new things within the last 5 years that my mom did because she loved this house and loved putting work into it.  And since she was super sick and really couldn't travel in her condition that was what made her happy.  So it makes me happy to keep the house and keep it up.
4. Number 4... The commitment level thing.  The girls that I do meet on dating sites... Flakey would be the word I would use best.  Wishy washy also works.  They might just disappear off the face of the planet at any given moment.  Most seem interested in one thing... How quickly can they get into your pants.  "So... What like maybe 3 dates and then we can have sex?"  I have literally been asked that before.  Or "I'm just not used to not going out to a bar and bringing a guy home to sleep with.  Most of my relationships have formed from that".  Yes... and when was the last time you were tested for an STD?  No thanks.  Although this is probably why the only girls I eventually match with are super into Jesus and church.  Which is fine with me.  But not usually with them.  Jesus girls want Jesus boys.  I mean I'm open to anything... I just don't really want to identify with anything other than technically Jewish at the moment because I feel like it would be turning my back on my mom.  Why don't you just date a Jewish girl?  How do I put this... Jewish girls are... Stuck up.  Yes... Stuck up is the best term to use.  I'm not trying to be mean.  It's just true.  On dating sites... at least.  Also again, I don't know what religion I'm really interested in pursuing, if any... I might just stay fringe. But if I were on the way to getting married to a girl and I were totally in love with her, I would definitely consider taking on whatever religion was important to her and how she wanted our kids raised.
5. Just not compatible.  So the remaining girls that I meet... I don't know.  There's just no connection.  I mean... It's just like not even fun to spend time with them.  I'm just not sure if that's how marriage is?  I feel like I've seen people post things on Facebook where they say "5 years now since I met my soulmate and best friend and partner in life and I can't even imagine where I'd be without this person."  Really?  I mean... I go on a lot of first dates... a decent amount of second through like a dozen dates... with the exception of a handful of girls over my entire life... I could imagine my life without those people just fine.  In fact... None of them are in my life any more... And... I don't know.  I still get up in the morning and brush my teeth and take a shower.  Go to work, I do things around the house.  I feed my cats.  I play guitar.  I work on music.  I blog.  I certainly am not posting anything Facebook about how lucky I am that I found this "amazing" person that absolutely wowed me so much that I can't live without them.  Have I met a girl that made me feel like that in the past?  Yes.  But where is she now?  I couldn't tell you.  I had to stop following her stuff out of jealousy a while ago.  I could never even compare to her South Florida Flashy boyfriend that she met.  I mean... In my mind he makes 500k a year and owns a yacht and 3 porches and has a place in South Beach with a hot tub.  He's like 6 foot something.  She's lucky she met him.  Mr. Flash... I presume.  They're probably Mr. and Mrs. South Florida Flash by now.  They are probably having a dinner party right now as I type this with the Mr. and Mrs. Jones.  Must be nice to find a love like that.  But that's why I never ended up with her... Too much flash for me to keep up with.  So I lost her to Mr. Flash.  which brings me back to my original point... I always like the girls that are running off to the land of Flash.  But... I'd rather live here where I'm a bigger fish in a smaller pond than to be a lighting bug in a land of floodlights.  The land of flash.

There are probably lots of other reasons why I'll most likely never end up married.  I'd really love to though.  But... I just don't want to marry someone just because... like a chore.  Just like... Oh my wife?  Yeah I don't know.  I forget how long we've been married.  I'm supposed to buy her flowers next week or something... for some reason or another... Ugh.  Wives... Always wanting you to buy them stuff.

Who wants that scenario?

I want... to spend an hour in the flower place because I want her to absolutely love the flowers I'm supposed to buy for her.  And not because I'm "supposed" to buy her flowers.

I just feel like being alone and living in this house with my cats is a better scenario then to not post on Facebook about how you can't imagine your life without that person.  I want to actually post that on every anniversary and mean it.  I don't want it to just be like checking in.  Like... Oh it's just something people do so I guess I'll do it too.  You hold hands like you have rigor mortis or something.

It should be, I hold this person's hand like you don't ever want to let them go.  Like you never want them out of your life.

"Oh that's not realistic and that doesn't exist."

Maybe not.  But that must mean that the people who post on Facebook that I see with photos of flowers that their "Amazing hubby" bought them on whatever holiday or anniversary must be lying.  So you basically are telling me that those people are faking it.  That when they post a painting that they had made for their significant other that cost them a pretty penny... That's fake and they really could care less about the person.  I'm pretty sure no one would go out of their way to spend their own hard earned money on having a customized painting of the family dog made for their husband or wife if they didn't sincerely love the person.  They would just go to Walmart at the last minute and grab whatever the hell was on sale.

Again, it would be AWESOME to have that... and I've LOVE to find that.

But... unless I just settle and be with someone that it's almost a chore to be with... I just don't see it happening.  And not just me... her as well.  I mean... Most of the girls I tend to go on dates with really do seem like they have zero interest in being there at the moment.  They always seem distracted and like this is just an appointment that they showed up for on their way to their next thing.

I feel like finding love shouldn't be like scheduling appointments.  It should be someone you think about all the time and you miss constantly when you aren't around them.

It should be that Facebook post of "5 years now and I can't imagine my life without you.  I love you more every single day".

I wish I could find that in someone and that she could find me that in me.  But I just don't see that ever happening.  It's sad really... because being a single person around people that ARE married and that are like... "Oh you'll find someone some day..."

Just makes me feel as though I'm kind of a failure.  I mean because being single means one of two things.  Either I can't ACTUALLY find love... Or, I don't have the ability to "pretend enough" to be in love.

I'm not sure how to do either.  I have a tendency for fall for girls that aren't interested back.  But maybe that's everyone's case and some how they were able to pretend and those "I love the person I'm with SOOOOO much" Facebook statuses are just fake.

If they are fake... That just makes me incredibly sad.  Because it means love isn't real.