Why I’m Probably Never Going To Actually End Up Married
So, I'd love to get married one day. Almost everyone I know is married. But, at 33, I've pretty much come to the realization that it's most likely never going to happen for me.
Here's why:
- Almost everyone I know is married. So meeting someone that I find attractive enough to propose to without just doing it as a motion that you're supposed to do, is highly unlikely. Because the girls that I'm attracted to, physically and personality wise and for their creative talents, and smarts.... Etc. etc. Already have a guy that has snatched them up. So.. there are plenty of girls I'm interested in... But they aren't single. Because... why would she be? I mean... girls get hit on ALL the time. The more funny, smart, talented, creative, cute she is... The more suitors she has. And who am I? Why should she give me the time of day when there's a 6 foot 2 tall dark and handsome guy in the corner wearing the latest most expensive fashion trends... that he probably bought on credit with his maxed out credit card and his leased sports car that he can barely afford the payments on... but who cares about the future and retirement and living well into old age if... it gets the lady right now.
- This brings me to the girls that are single/on dating sites... Out in bars or at coffee shops or wherever... a 100 thousand dollars is not a lot of money. It's really not. All of the girls I meet... Think it is. At least around here. I know in other areas, like in California or in Florida it's chump change because everyone in LA or Miami is basically in the million dollar range and makes above 100 thousand a year. So to them it's just like not a lot of money at all. But that's one of the reasons why I don't live in those areas. I'd rather be a big fish in a small pond. In LA or Miami, i'd be a peasant even with a million dollars in the bank. Because people in those areas are all kinds of wealthy. But they are also flashy and into keeping up with the joneses. I could care less about the joneses. I don't want to travel the globe. I just want to stay at home and work on my books and music. I don't want to have the finest most fanciest stuff that money can buy like the Miami/NYC/LA millionaires. I'd rather just live and work and be an every day person. So if I took my money to NYC... I'd be a nobody. But with the girls around here with their situation versus my situation now... To them even a hundred thousand dollars is a crazy amount of money, even though it's not. Ask the Miami girls out on the town in South Beach. They will scoff at you because their boyfriends/husbands make half a million a year doing whatever it is they do. But they also spend all their money on luxurious travel lifestyles. Which is completely not what I'm all about at all. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place... This is a problem. Because the girls around here that I DO go on dates with that are like you have HOW much in the bank??? WOW! (Even though it's not wow at all compared to those Miami girls, but that's because everyone in Miami is rich and drives a sports car.. The South Florida Flash... I believe is what it's referred to as. Where everyone is all about tying to one up everyone else.) Anyways... so... how can I trust that if I marry that girl... Here I am living in a house... here I am with fairly sizable investments... How do I know that your intentions aren't malicious? How can I trust you? I can't really. How do I know you won't try to get me to put you in my will and then you poison me at night? Or you marry me and quickly divorce me? You're living month to month barely able to afford rent bar tending at night in addition to your 3 other jobs. I could not work for years and years and still not worry about money. But I work because I enjoy working. I have a strong moral compass and strong work ethic and I want the same in a significant other. I want someone that wants to always work... That isn't interested in having a fancy house and a sports car and keeping up with The Joneses and having the latest and greatest fashion trends. Yeah, sure... Splurge every once in a while... But don't have your eyes set on depleting our bank account. Budget for that stuff. But be more interested in things that matter... like helping out your community and your fellow neighbor in a time of need.
- This brings me to the next thing. I own a house now. I meet girls that are single that are super transient. They are in the Philly area maybe for a month... Or a year. Or who knows. They might take off and move to some new place next week. They might go backpack Europe. Who knows where the wind might take them. The commitment level is next to nothing. I've been at the same job for 10 years now. I mean yes, I'd prefer to make a living doing music or writing books but it's just not possible yet. I'm also now an owner of a house with no mortgage that I'm also fairly attached to because it has memories of my mom. I'm not just going to move next week and go live in some new place. It's a good idea in theory, but I'd be a fool to give up a house that practically has brand new everything... New windows, new roof, new HVAC system... New back porch. New gutters, new siding... There are a lot of new things within the last 5 years that my mom did because she loved this house and loved putting work into it. And since she was super sick and really couldn't travel in her condition that was what made her happy. So it makes me happy to keep the house and keep it up.
- Number 4... The commitment level thing. The girls that I do meet on dating sites... Flakey would be the word I would use best. Wishy washy also works. They might just disappear off the face of the planet at any given moment. Most seem interested in one thing... How quickly can they get into your pants. "So... What like maybe 3 dates and then we can have sex?" I have literally been asked that before. Or "I'm just not used to not going out to a bar and bringing a guy home to sleep with. Most of my relationships have formed from that". Yes... and when was the last time you were tested for an STD? No thanks. Although this is probably why the only girls I eventually match with are super into Jesus and church. Which is fine with me. But not usually with them. Jesus girls want Jesus boys. I mean I'm open to anything... I just don't really want to identify with anything other than technically Jewish at the moment because I feel like it would be turning my back on my mom. Why don't you just date a Jewish girl? How do I put this... Jewish girls are... Stuck up. Yes... Stuck up is the best term to use. I'm not trying to be mean. It's just true. On dating sites... at least. Also again, I don't know what religion I'm really interested in pursuing, if any... I might just stay fringe. But if I were on the way to getting married to a girl and I were totally in love with her, I would definitely consider taking on whatever religion was important to her and how she wanted our kids raised.
- Just not compatible. So the remaining girls that I meet... I don't know. There's just no connection. I mean... It's just like not even fun to spend time with them. I'm just not sure if that's how marriage is? I feel like I've seen people post things on Facebook where they say "5 years now since I met my soulmate and best friend and partner in life and I can't even imagine where I'd be without this person." Really? I mean... I go on a lot of first dates... a decent amount of second through like a dozen dates... with the exception of a handful of girls over my entire life... I could imagine my life without those people just fine. In fact... None of them are in my life any more... And... I don't know. I still get up in the morning and brush my teeth and take a shower. Go to work, I do things around the house. I feed my cats. I play guitar. I work on music. I blog. I certainly am not posting anything Facebook about how lucky I am that I found this "amazing" person that absolutely wowed me so much that I can't live without them. Have I met a girl that made me feel like that in the past? Yes. But where is she now? I couldn't tell you. I had to stop following her stuff out of jealousy a while ago. I could never even compare to her South Florida Flashy boyfriend that she met. I mean... In my mind he makes 500k a year and owns a yacht and 3 porches and has a place in South Beach with a hot tub. He's like 6 foot something. She's lucky she met him. Mr. Flash... I presume. They're probably Mr. and Mrs. South Florida Flash by now. They are probably having a dinner party right now as I type this with the Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Must be nice to find a love like that. But that's why I never ended up with her... Too much flash for me to keep up with. So I lost her to Mr. Flash. which brings me back to my original point... I always like the girls that are running off to the land of Flash. But... I'd rather live here where I'm a bigger fish in a smaller pond than to be a lighting bug in a land of floodlights. The land of flash.
There are probably lots of other reasons why I'll most likely never end up married. I'd really love to though. But... I just don't want to marry someone just because... like a chore. Just like... Oh my wife? Yeah I don't know. I forget how long we've been married. I'm supposed to buy her flowers next week or something... for some reason or another... Ugh. Wives... Always wanting you to buy them stuff.
Who wants that scenario?
I want... to spend an hour in the flower place because I want her to absolutely love the flowers I'm supposed to buy for her. And not because I'm "supposed" to buy her flowers.
I just feel like being alone and living in this house with my cats is a better scenario then to not post on Facebook about how you can't imagine your life without that person. I want to actually post that on every anniversary and mean it. I don't want it to just be like checking in. Like... Oh it's just something people do so I guess I'll do it too. You hold hands like you have rigor mortis or something.
It should be, I hold this person's hand like you don't ever want to let them go. Like you never want them out of your life.
"Oh that's not realistic and that doesn't exist."
Maybe not. But that must mean that the people who post on Facebook that I see with photos of flowers that their "Amazing hubby" bought them on whatever holiday or anniversary must be lying. So you basically are telling me that those people are faking it. That when they post a painting that they had made for their significant other that cost them a pretty penny... That's fake and they really could care less about the person. I'm pretty sure no one would go out of their way to spend their own hard earned money on having a customized painting of the family dog made for their husband or wife if they didn't sincerely love the person. They would just go to Walmart at the last minute and grab whatever the hell was on sale.
Again, it would be AWESOME to have that... and I've LOVE to find that.
But... unless I just settle and be with someone that it's almost a chore to be with... I just don't see it happening. And not just me... her as well. I mean... Most of the girls I tend to go on dates with really do seem like they have zero interest in being there at the moment. They always seem distracted and like this is just an appointment that they showed up for on their way to their next thing.
I feel like finding love shouldn't be like scheduling appointments. It should be someone you think about all the time and you miss constantly when you aren't around them.
It should be that Facebook post of "5 years now and I can't imagine my life without you. I love you more every single day".
I wish I could find that in someone and that she could find me that in me. But I just don't see that ever happening. It's sad really... because being a single person around people that ARE married and that are like... "Oh you'll find someone some day..."
Just makes me feel as though I'm kind of a failure. I mean because being single means one of two things. Either I can't ACTUALLY find love... Or, I don't have the ability to "pretend enough" to be in love.
I'm not sure how to do either. I have a tendency for fall for girls that aren't interested back. But maybe that's everyone's case and some how they were able to pretend and those "I love the person I'm with SOOOOO much" Facebook statuses are just fake.
If they are fake... That just makes me incredibly sad. Because it means love isn't real.
Space
So, it's finally March. This means winter's wrath is winding down. The cold air will slowly be replaced by warmth. And then eventually a little too much warmth. And then it will be sweltering. Blah. But then things will cool off again and then get too cold and we'll be back where we started again. Just like running in a giant circle loop. It's a bit like how most friendships seem to go.
Hey I like hanging out with you! I want more of you...
Wooo lots more...
Ok too much.
Alright now I need my space.
Ok BACK OFF!
Hey? Where'd you go?
Wanna hang out more? I miss you.
Heeeeeeey! We should hang out ALLLL the time.
Ok... you're annoying now go away.
Space. Now.
Hey? What's new? Haven't spoken in a while.
BFF. BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE!
Space please.
HEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!
Ok. Go away now.
Oh my god... I feel like we haven't spoken in FOREVER. What's good?
Why don't we talk more often? I feel like we should talk more.
Let's talk all the time! This is sooo much fun.
Oh yeah. That's why we don't talk all the time.
S to the P to the A to the C to the E please.
HEY! Give me space... Give me space so I can breathe... Give me space so I can sleep.
We used to be so close. Remember those days?
Where was I? Oh yeah warm out... so I enjoy this time of year. I like when it starts to thaw out and the warm air starts to come in. It's just about time to start running outside again. I give it another week or two and then things should be getting close to where I can resume my Valley Forge Park loop.
What I normally do is I start at one point on the loop and park in one of the parking lots. Then I run as far as I feel like. Then I turn around and run back. If I still have energy to burn or I'm feeling all kinds of in the moment... I'll run past my car and keep going the other way. Then I run back to my car. This way I'm never SUPER far away from my car.
The next time I go I'll drive to the next parking lot spot and start there. Then the next time I go to the next spot over and repeat until I've completed the loop. The view is always stunning no matter what. Valley Forge is definitely one of my favorite little spots. I enjoy putting on a nice podcast or iTunes U course... Or maybe a presentation from InfoQ.com and just getting my learn on while I run. It's the best.
And speaking of space... The view of the stars there in the summer when the sun is starting to set? It's just fantastic. There's only a small amount of light pollution. So watching the moon and stars come out at dusk? It's just the greatest.
My favorite little spot is the little monument just down the hill from the Washington Memorial Chapel. Just hang out there as the sun is setting during the summer. It's so magical. I just love it. Trust me... If you've never done it... You should. Especially when the fireflies are in full swing. It's like being one with nature and the planet and the universe and what not.
Four Months
So, today is 4 months since my mom passed. It was a so so day. I just kind of got through it. Although that could be every day really. I mean... It's just a super sinking feeling every time you re-realize you can't talk to your mom ever again.
Her name slowly gets further and further down my text message list...
Her last text to me was "Oi".
It was meant to be OK. But her vision was going so she couldn't see what she was typing.
Every time I see it... My mind conjures up different things.
Oy. Vey? (That's something my mom said often) Oye oye oye... Aussie aussie ausssie Oye oye oye... (That's a camp thing the Australians say)
I don't know.
Of course my last message to her which she never saw was "I love you and I miss you".
That was just before she passed away.
It's weird. I mean one might say that I was kind of prepared for this a little more than I would have been if I'd never met the mysterious 0202 girl that worked her way into my heart.
For example... It was because of her that I moved into my own apartment and got a grasp on budgeting and making soups for lunch to save money. It was because of her that I started going out and about all over town... Went to church, made friends from that... Met my friend Melody and other people from that. Found the Gryphon Cafe... or really started going to it often... Which I'm going to start going to again.
Started going to all the other little places that I now have to go to as coping type things to do around Philly. I mean... When you think about it I have a whole list of places that I can go that I started going to the last few years that will kind of keep me grounded and feeling attached to the past sort of. Or more just like feeling ok with the world without my mom.
Gryphon Cafe
Longwood Gardens
Valley Forge Park
Penns Woods Winery
All places that I would tell my mom about when she wanted to know what I was up to or where I was off to. I'd tell her about it when she was in the hospital and I'd visit.
Plus I have my book to work on. Which wouldn't exist without her mad photography skills to inspire it in the first place.
And then... the slowly going down the list part... I was kind of prepared for that because it happened with photography girl.
The whole process of her slowly cutting me out of her life little tiny piece my little tiny piece... Slowly losing her. It just prepared me more for what happened 4 months ago.
So, if she was not meant to stay in my life in the first place... She was certainly meant to come into my life only to leave my life just before my mom did.
I mean, that's one way I'm trying to look at it. That she was just there to "train" me. Watching her fall further down my text message list, watching her fall further down my last email received in my inbox... Watching her fall further down my Facebook message list.
All things I did with my mom, and I'm still doing. So she was just sent into my life in order to prepare me so that I would be better equipped to handle when my mom finally did leave me. All of the things I did while having my own apartment... Or while going to church when I did...
She's a good soul. That girl. As was my mom... She was a good soul. And she left me as well prepared for my future...
I received more paperwork in the mail today about my trust. It's pretty much going to be all resolved in the next few months. Yes, there are some unknowns. I have no idea if the amount left was anything where it was initially. We'll probably never know that. We won't know what the previous trustee really did.. Honestly it's weird, I don't hate him at all. I mean... I don't trust him, and it's sad that I can't actually maintain a friendship with a man that was one of my grandfather's friends...
A guy that growing up I thought the world of and thought he was the coolest person ever when he would come over and we'd all swim in my grandparents' pool.
All he had to do was be honest. That's it. Just be honest. Tell the truth. Be kind... and honest.
It could have been REALLY neat to be able to meet up with him and have dinner and talk about my grandfather and grandmother with him. But now that will never be possible because I can't trust him.
It just mostly makes me sad really. Because I feel as though one of the reasons he took control of the trust was because he wanted us in his life. But that's not the right way to do it. If you want someone to be your friend...
You don't force them into your life. You just let them be your friend of their own accord.
Maybe he needed the money as well. I have no idea. I really don't know. I won't make any assumptions. He did what he did and only he knows that and that will stay with him for the rest of his life knowing that he caused myself, my mom and my family a great deal of anger and frustration.
I mean I remember when I went out to California as a teen and I went out one night with him and his wife and we did hibachi and then went to see a movie and then went to Barnes and Noble and I bought a CD.
I even remember the movie we saw and the CD I bought.
Lost in Space was the movie and the CD was the self titled release from a band called Naked. I was super into the radio single Mann's Chinese.
I listened to it on repeat all the way home from California back to Philly. It still reminds me of that night out in Santa Barbara and that trip to visit my grandparents in Montecito.
But it also reminds me of his credit card being declined initially during our meal. And then his wife saying that he just had to make a phone call and that his credit card had no limit on it.
What I really would love to know is... Was that night something you did because you truly wanted to spend time with me? Or was it a way to get me to trust you when it came time to take over the trust? Part of a grand master plan you had...
Here I am a 16 year old kid thinking of you as a role model... Only to have the last 10 years in the courts happen.
One should never have to compel accounting using court orders to see their own trust. That's just not cool. No one should ever hide something from anyone. From day one you should have been there with accounting books for each one of us with exact details of where the money was spent, how it was spent, and when it was spent.
I shouldn't have had to wake up one morning to an email from a bank associate in Isle of Man claiming you were there to move 6 million dollars into the Bank of Ireland and that you would "stay as long as it took and do whatever it took to make it happen."
That wasn't the funny next-door neighbor and friend of my grandfather's that came over and said hello and hung out with us on Surf View Drive when I was a little kid. You're one of the smartest people I'd ever met. Your stories mesmerized me. I thought you were the bees knees!
But now all I have of you is a box full of legal documents... and a memory of you saying to me "you never do anyone for anything for free".
I'm all about people knowing their worth and all that when it comes to doing work for people...
But not everyone shares that view... My thing is... during this whole time I've spent the last 10 years working with Catholic sisters... Who are the exact opposite in their view on the world. They work tirelessly and some of them into their 90s. They are the happiest people I've ever met. Most of them live long and productive lives... and they have barely any personal belongings.
They are all about doing things for free. Lots of things...
Community counts above all to them.
They teach love and compassion and hard work and community and forgiveness.
The most important thing in the world is relationships and the people you meet and being fair and kind to people you meet and honest.
The only thing that I can say for sure is that I don't know where the future will lead.
But that's something that everyone involved on their side can think about each night before they go to sleep.
What's done is done.
It's all about the seeds to me. You can have an entire forest... And sometimes a forest fire will come through and wipe out some of it. But some of the trees survive and they flourish and grow even taller. So I will take what I get and use that to build my own investments back up. And use the events that have occurred in the last 10 years going forward. One never knows if this is simply the warm up before something bigger.
Who knows right? I certainly don't know what will happen in the next 10 years. It's possible that all of this court stuff will have simply familiarized me for the future of dealing with something bigger... It was simply training for some much more challenging adversaries.
One never knows.
What we are left with though is still a lofty trust that will help me and my siblings in our times of need. We will not have to worry about any of our household or lifelong costs.
Most people struggle through life to pay a mortgage, afford a car payment... Pay off student loans...
I'll never know any of these hardships and for that I'm TREMENDOUSLY thankful. If I need a new fridge or washer and dryer. If I need a new car. If I need help with costs of going back to school.
Same with my brother and sister. We'll have the trust.
And as well this means whoever I end up marrying and having kids with will benefit from this as well though me. We won't have to worry about how we will pay any bill. If our water heater breaks or our roof needs to be replaced. We can simply request from the trust to pay for it should our own finances not have sufficient means. Which I'm hoping won't be the case... But one never knows.
I don't know who this future love of my life/lady of my dreams that I'll end up getting down on one knee and proposing to will be, and yes there are plenty of men that make WAY more money than what is even in our trust...
But the pool of people in the world that have enough assets to even qualify for wealth management as far as I know is relatively rare. So... At least she'll know that she'll not have to worry or have fights about making ends meet with me.
We can just focus on our lives. A gift that my mom and her parents left to us. And that I hope to one day leave to my children and grand children. Teach them how to properly invest and save for the future.
I can't help but think about it all... Why things go the way they do. Why the trustee that I couldn't trust moved to South Florida in the same year along with the girl that swooped up my heart.
If my grandparents had never moved next-door... If they had never met and become friends. I certainly wouldn't have met this girl. Because the trust would have gone to my mom and her sister outright... And then I most likely wouldn't have stayed at the job I've been at the last 10 years.
Maybe not though. I mean... Who knows... The trust was dated 1991, and you met in 1972... Maybe the trust was your idea in the first place? I would have loved to be able to playback, like watching a movie, every conversation that you had with my grandfather to know the truth about how much money they had...
To know exactly how things went down.
That's a whole other can of worms for another time.
Because if things had not gone the way they went... I wouldn't have a book in the works. And one never knows, it might get turned into a movie and make boatloads of money. No one can tell the future.
Could be the first of many books. Could be the first of many movies. Could be something bigger than myself. I am but a humble servant of the universe trying to make sense of it all.
Trying to forgive...
And trying to remember my mom. 4 months... and it still feels like I talked to you just yesterday.
Just be kind and honest. Put yourself in the other person's shoes... Try to figure out why they do the things they do and say the things they say. Maybe they are just scared about the future. Maybe they just want a friend.
Everyone on the planet just wants to be loved. They just want a friend. Sure they want money... But... Above all...
They want people that care and that they can trust.
Home Alone
So... It's been very different living at home with my mom gone. Her room is still pretty much her room. I've change a couple things but mostly it's just hers... Well it's more the cats.
But... Having an entire house to yourself is... I guess if I had to recommend anyone to at least live once in a 4 bedroom house in the suburbs at the end of a cul-de-sac... Or on a quiet street...
The answer is yes. I highly recommend it. 4 cats... optional.
But this whole going home alone each night thing is going to be hard to change. The more I'm here alone... The less I want anyone else living with me...
Roommate, or a significant other.
I think this brings me to my thoughts tonight. So... the whole idea of marriage is that you live with someone. I mean, don't get me wrong, I lived with my girlfriend in college. It was fine. But... I didn't really like it THAT much. But maybe that's why me and her didn't end up together.
I mean... Maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet. But all the girls I've ever dated... With the exception of one girl... and she knows who she is... I've always had that "I'm ready to go home" feeling.
You know how you have one of two feelings with every situation? Like, you either have... "Can I go yet?" Or you have the, "Why is time going sooooo fast?!?!?! I need to slow it down. I wish this would last forever."
So for example all through high-school every single day was... WHEN is this going to be over? I'm soooo ready to go home.
This is mostly the feeling I get on most dates. "This is awkward. I'm just ready to go home."
But when I'm out writing my book. Or I'm at home in my PJs and sitting watching Netflix eating ice cream... Or working on music.... Or whatever...
I'm just like... HOW has an HOUR already gone by????
Actually the ice cream is the best example... When you have a full bowl of ice cream you're always like... I WISH THIS WOULD LAST FOREVER!
Then when you get to the end of the bowl of ice cream and you're just trying to get those last little bits of melted ice cream in the bowl with the spoon and you're thinking to yourself...
WHY??!?!?!? WHY DID IT GO SO FAST?!?!?! How is my ice cream gone already???? I just had a full bowl of ice cream!!!!!!
This was the feeling I had with only one girl so far in my entire experience of dating. There was one girl where I was just like when it came time for me to leave her presence I was just like... I wish I could just stay with her longer...
I'm guessing that that's the same feeling I'll have eventually with a girl that I'll one day marry. I mean right now if I had to put money on it... If I had to bet my life on it... I'd bet It's just not looking too hopeful.
At the moment I can safely say I don't see myself married a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now...
You get the idea. Because if after 2 hours in someone's presence I'm just ready to go home and trying to hint that I'm tired or ready to leave...
And then they aren't picking up the hints that I'm putting down and it's like... Sooooooo... how can I hint better that I want to go?
How am I supposed to live with someone day in and day out? Kiss them every day, tell them I love them every day when 2 hours is a stretch? Really?
I guess. I don't know. It just seems highly unlikely.
And now that I have a whole house... It just seem's nearly impossible that there's a girl out there that is going to work her way into my heart so much that I'm just like "Why don't you move in with me and we can spend EVERY DAY and EVERY WAKING MOMENT together!"
Yeah. Ok.
More like... "Ok, so it's been 3 days. When are you going home?"
"Um... I just moved all my stuff in with you and I don't have an apartment anymore."
"Yeah, this isn't going to work. How about I'll pay for your first months rent? I just need my house back."
It sounds kind of mean. And believe me I'd LOVE to get married and live with someone... But, it just doesn't feel right. It just doesn't feel like it will ever happen. All the girls I've been on dates with... It just feels awkward and like... Meh. That's the best word I've got... Meh.
Obviously there are people out there all happily married and have been living with each other for years, or decades... So I guess it happens. I just don't get how. I mean... Yeah, there was that one girl that I couldn't get enough of and could spend hours upon hours with her and it still seemed like only 5 minutes had gone by...
But... She's long gone with the wind... So I just have to hope I find that feeling with someone new.
It just doesn't seem likely. I just feel like I'm in high school again watching the clock counting down the minutes until it's time to go home. Is this over yet? Is it time to go home yet?
I just want my PJs on and to make some dinner and pop open a beer and watch some Netflix while eating food.
Or maybe all married people just secretly long for that and they wake up every morning going... "What have I done? This was a mistake. I need my own place again. Oh well... This is what you're supposed to do in life... Live with someone. Tell them you love them."
Again... Maybe I just haven't me the right person yet and maybe I'll be singing a different tune 1, 5, 10, 20 years from now...
But I just can't imagine some lady walking into my life and making me say to her "I REALLY think we should seriously consider moving in together".
Yeah. Ok.
Sorry, I just don't see it happening.
I'd rather move in with a bowl of ice cream at the end of each night.
Moving To Florida
So my friend Jess is moving to Florida. We've been best friends since like the early 2000s. We know all about all of each other's failed love stories. Like me, she's not having much luck in the dating scene here in the Philly area. Sooo she's going to try her luck down South.
She's moving to Jacksonville to be closer to her bro who lives down that way... And also she's taking a new position in her company. I think it's a promotion, but it might just be a lateral move to the sunshine state. Which really is a promotion because even if she's getting paid the same, she's getting paid more in sunshine. Which is probably worth at least something. I'm "totally supposed to come visit" according to her. Jacksonville seems fun. I Googled it. They have...
A beach.
Although... That's pretty much most of Florida.
"What do you want to do today?"
"Well... We could go to the beach."
"Yeah, we did that yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that... And before that..."
"Hmmm... Well what if we went to the beach--"
"I just told you we already did that--"
"--At a different time of day."
"I'm listening."
"You know... Go in the morning one day, then go in the afternoon another. Then the evening a different day."
"Well now. Hot diggity! That's a whole new way to go to the beach! Genius."
"See... There are plenty of things to do in Florida."
To me that's not "real" Florida though. It's like just an extension of Georgia. It's not Flo Rida and Pittbull territory. It's just like... Part of Georgia. So everyone there is like oh this is just South Georgia. Really it's Jacksonville, South Georgia and not Florida.
But I'll visit her just the same down there in Jacksonville, South Georgia at some point in the future I'm sure.
And who knows. Maybe she'll find a guy down there. She's definitely some serious awesomeness and I'd love to see her meet someone and fall in love and get married and all that one day.
Jacksonville. I can't say I've ever been. It makes me think of that song...
"I'm sorry Miss Jackson... Oooooooo... I am for reaaaaaaal. This one goes out to all the baby's mamas... and mama's mamas mamas. Forever. Forever ever. Forever ever."
You know what I'm talking about.
That's classic early 2000s yo.
Anyways. We're going out this Saturday night to celebrate her going away. She's moving in a couple weeks. I'm kind of sad.... But also really happy for her because she's BEYOND excited about it.
My New Couch, and By Couch I Mean Futon
Yesterday I upset my one cat. She'll get over it. She'll find other places to sleep her days away.
I took the futon from the room next to mine and moved it downstairs to the living room. I now have a couch in the living room to lounge out on and watch Netflix. By couch though I mean futon. It's an Ikea Munkarp futon. Or that's what it says on the tag.
It's waaaaay low to the ground. I feel like maybe it's not together properly. It works though. The problem is I don't know where it came from or how it goes together, unfortunately. It was just in the room next to mine when I moved back home, it wasn't here when I moved out. So at some point during the years that I was living in my apartment... Someone at some point brought the thing over and it ended up in the room next to mine.
Of course the only one to ever use it was Fluff. She basically claimed it as her bed.
I then took the old throw rug of about 10 feet or so in size and put that on the floor as to make the room into a creative space.
I'm starting to be a little more "ok" with making changes around the house. It's slow going and it's hard. It's REALLY hard. I keep imagining my mom coming in the room that I'm working in asking me what I'm doing or commenting how she likes this or doesn't like that. Or how she would most likely say "Oh great Ken! Now when you're done with that I have a whole list of things that you can do since you're moving furniture around". She was big on... If I got the vacuum out to clean one small thing... She ask me to clean the whole house.
It was a bit like the book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie type of thing. "Oh, while you're doing that..."
But that's why I moved home. To do that stuff for her.
So here I am now with this house and I can just... Do things here or there or however. Each little change makes it less her house and more mine I guess. That makes it especially hard. Because each little change is a little tiny bit of her that is lost... That fades, chips away... Little changes by little changes... my little changes.
The house exactly the way she left in in November... Slowly it becomes something new without her still here to put her little touch on it.
I'm also using the room next door to organize and sort things with estate papers and such in boxes. I've worked my way mostly through the things that I could do. It's a mix of things that I have control over and can work on versus things that are left to other people. The two trusts are kind of out of my hands and involve others to work on. Attorneys and financial people and bank trust officers and such. So that's just a waiting game with those.
Estates take a while... As do trusts... Or maybe this is just situational and most other families it's all over and done in like a few days. I don't really know or have anyone else to compare it to.
My theory is this... When someone passes away, the stronger their spirt is... The more gusto they had in life... The longer it takes to settle their affairs, because they don't want to be forgotten. They want people to talk about them. To think about them. They still want to be around. So their spirit throws wrenches in the mix to make things take longer.
My grandfather really didn't want to go... So that's why his stuff is still unsettled. Although hopefully the next court hearing will be the last... Or one of the last. Then that can just be moved to the successor trustee and we can get our first distribution from it followed by letting the rest of the money stay invested and earn a return so that when we do need it in the future it will continue to grow and there will be more.
I'm a big fan of saving and investing and growing your savings. I'm not a big fan of oh look here's money.... SWEET LET'S TRAVEL AND BUY A LOT OF NEW STUFF AND BLOW IT ALL!
No thanks. I want my money to not only last but to continue to build and build into the future so that I will have plenty to leave for my kids, and my grandkids and great grandkids and great great grandkids...
Etc. etc. The key word here is budget. Manage your money and keep and eye on it and keep to strict budgets. Track your returns and track how much you spend on what and exactly where it goes. Track all your bills and all your purchases.
I'm a huge fan of geeking out with Excel and making budget spreadsheets.
This is why instead of just going out and buying a new couch because there will eventually be estate and trust money and just slapping my credit card down and saying to myself, I'll worry about it later...
I just repurposed the futon and rug that I already had.
So anyways, I'm just kind of... Going with the flow. Doing what I can between the whole moments when you just sit and cry. It happens. I'm not going to deny it. It happens a lot still.
It's almost 4 months since my mom died. I miss her every day. As do her cats. There are currently 3 of the 4 sitting on my bed sleeping. Never mind, two sitting on the bed. One just jumped off the bed and over to my lap.
So just remember any time something pops back up from a lost loved one... My theory is, it's just them saying hello...
Find a photo of them and say to them, "Don't worry... You will not be forgotten."
It will help to settle their restless spirit.