BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

Home Alone

So... It's been very different living at home with my mom gone.  Her room is still pretty much her room.  I've change a couple things but mostly it's just hers... Well it's more the cats.

But... Having an entire house to yourself is... I guess if I had to recommend anyone to at least live once in a 4 bedroom house in the suburbs at the end of a cul-de-sac... Or on a quiet street...

The answer is yes.  I highly recommend it.  4 cats... optional.

But this whole going home alone each night thing is going to be hard to change.  The more I'm here alone... The less I want anyone else living with me...

Roommate, or a significant other.

I think this brings me to my thoughts tonight.  So... the whole idea of marriage is that you live with someone.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I lived with my girlfriend in college.  It was fine.  But... I didn't really like it THAT much.  But maybe that's why me and her didn't end up together.

I mean... Maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet.  But all the girls I've ever dated... With the exception of one girl... and she knows who she is... I've always had that "I'm ready to go home" feeling.

You know how you have one of two feelings with every situation?  Like, you either have... "Can I go yet?"  Or you have the, "Why is time going sooooo fast?!?!?! I need to slow it down.  I wish this would last forever."

So for example all through high-school every single day was... WHEN is this going to be over?  I'm soooo ready to go home.

This is mostly the feeling I get on most dates.  "This is awkward.  I'm just ready to go home."

But when I'm out writing my book.  Or I'm at home in my PJs and sitting watching Netflix eating ice cream... Or working on music.... Or whatever...

I'm just like... HOW has an HOUR already gone by????

Actually the ice cream is the best example... When you have a full bowl of ice cream you're always like... I WISH THIS WOULD LAST FOREVER!

Then when you get to the end of the bowl of ice cream and you're just trying to get those last little bits of melted ice cream in the bowl with the spoon and you're thinking to yourself...

WHY??!?!?!?  WHY DID IT GO SO FAST?!?!?!  How is my ice cream gone already????  I just had a full bowl of ice cream!!!!!!

This was the feeling I had with only one girl so far in my entire experience of dating.  There was one girl where I was just like when it came time for me to leave her presence I was just like... I wish I could just stay with her longer...

I'm guessing that that's the same feeling I'll have eventually with a girl that I'll one day marry.  I mean right now if I had to put money on it... If I had to bet my life on it... I'd bet It's just not looking too hopeful.

At the moment I can safely say I don't see myself married a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now...

You get the idea.  Because if after 2 hours in someone's presence I'm just ready to go home and trying to hint that I'm tired or ready to leave...

And then they aren't picking up the hints that I'm putting down and it's like... Sooooooo... how can I hint better that I want to go?

How am I supposed to live with someone day in and day out?  Kiss them every day, tell them I love them every day when 2 hours is a stretch?  Really?

I guess.  I don't know.  It just seems highly unlikely.

And now that I have a whole house... It just seem's nearly impossible that there's a girl out there that is going to work her way into my heart so much that I'm just like "Why don't you move in with me and we can spend EVERY DAY and EVERY WAKING MOMENT together!"

Yeah.  Ok.

More like... "Ok, so it's been 3 days.  When are you going home?"

"Um... I just moved all my stuff in with you and I don't have an apartment anymore."

"Yeah, this isn't going to work.  How about I'll pay for your first months rent?  I just need my house back."

It sounds kind of mean.  And believe me I'd LOVE to get married and live with someone... But, it just doesn't feel right.  It just doesn't feel like it will ever happen.  All the girls I've been on dates with... It just feels awkward and like... Meh.  That's the best word I've got... Meh.

Obviously there are people out there all happily married and have been living with each other for years, or decades... So I guess it happens.  I just don't get how.  I mean... Yeah, there was that one girl that I couldn't get enough of and could spend hours upon hours with her and it still seemed like only 5 minutes had gone by...

But... She's long gone with the wind... So I just have to hope I find that feeling with someone new.

It just doesn't seem likely.  I just feel like I'm in high school again watching the clock counting down the minutes until it's time to go home.  Is this over yet?  Is it time to go home yet?

I just want my PJs on and to make some dinner and pop open a beer and watch some Netflix while eating food.

Or maybe all married people just secretly long for that and they wake up every morning going... "What have I done?  This was a mistake.  I need my own place again.  Oh well... This is what you're supposed to do in life... Live with someone.  Tell them you love them."

Again... Maybe I just haven't me the right person yet and maybe I'll be singing a different tune 1, 5, 10, 20 years from now...

But I just can't imagine some lady walking into my life and making me say to her "I REALLY think we should seriously consider moving in together".

Yeah.  Ok.

Sorry, I just don't see it happening.

I'd rather move in with a bowl of ice cream at the end of each night.