BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

In-ternet, Out-ternet

The internet went out at work today.  I guess one might call it an outernet instead of an internet.  It's rare but it does happen.  Ideally you'd have a secondary or load balanced internet gateway from a secondary provider so that when it goes down on one of the fiber connections, the other one can handle the traffic.

Unfortunately, this is expensive.  So... you could spend an extra 5 or 10 grand a month on a second internet pipe.... Or you could just deal with a 3 hour downtime once in a blue moon.  Actually today was the longest we've ever seen for downtime from our ISP.  Usually it's never like this.  This was a major outlier as far as ISP outages go.

Now, our provider promises something like a 99.95 percent uptime per year.  Assuming a 365 day year... Unless you're in a leap year... You'd have 24 hours a day times 365 days... or 8760 hours.

The last time we lost internet had to have been at least more than a year ago.  Maybe two years ago?  I can't actually recall when we lost it last...

So let's assume this was the first time in a year that it went down.  We had 3 hours down....

99.95 percent of 8760 would be 8755.62.

I'm gonna give them some slack... Ok so a half hour a year is their promise.  I guess they blew it by 2.5 hours.

However today was a pretty serious downtime thing for them.  It actually took their main website offline and as well it took down their phone system, so we couldn't even call them .  At first we thought they had gone out of business.  Just packed up shop and left everyone in the dark.  We tried to call but none of the phone numbers worked.  We've NEVER experienced this before.  We kind of freaked out a tiny bit when this happened.  Mini panic attack.  We also tried to go to their site from an alternate internet connection.  We actually have a secondary Comcast connection that can be assigned to specific ports around campus.  However... it doesn't provide local access to any of the shared network resources.  It acts as an off campus network for things like Skype calls, or it's for testing purposes.  It wasn't practical to pipe that network through to the rest of campus.  There are various other reasons why we can't use Comcast for load balancing/redundancy.  I'm not going to get into that in this blog.

With their phone system and website offline... I'm assuming it was a pretty serious issue.  Eventually we got through to their NOC via phone towards the end of the downtime, once we had already found out what was going on.  So... To me at least, it just doesn't seem worth it to pay like an extra 50 or 60 grand a year for double the bandwidth connection if you might have an extreme outage of 3 hours a year only once every few years.  Most likely the most you'll have is perhaps 20 minutes a year.  That seems acceptable.

I guess it depends on the industry.  In education we cancel work for snow days.  So obviously things are a little bit less pressing and classwork can be rescheduled as homework and such.  If you can't show a YouTube video in class one day... You can always show it the next class.  Or just email the students the link for them to check at their own leisure.

That's the academic atmosphere.

When the internet connection initially went down and we couldn't contact the provider, and also couldn't go on their site.... I mentioned to my boss and coworker that we could try to find alternate forms of communication.  My first idea was... Just search Twitter!  Or their Facebook page.  Or any other one of their social media sites.  They probably would have posted something to social media about the outage.

Nothing.

So then I decided ok, if the company itself isn't going to post system status updates about downtime... Maybe, if OTHER people are also having an outage, they PROBABLY are tweeting about it.  So I started keying in different search strings.  Eventually I found a couple guys @ replying back and forth about how they were also down.  One guy kept @ mentioning the ISP's Twitter account handle name, but was getting no response from them.  He just kept asking ETA for restore.  Then a lady from Chicago eventually replied to one of his tweets saying to him she was down too at her workplace.

Then another guy from Northern NJ chimed in.

Then a guy with a pepperoni pizza cover photo started mentioning things on his and another guy with a Star Wars cover photo also started to Tweet about it.

We found out that one of the other Twitter users finally got through to NOC on phone and  were being told that they had identified the issue and one of the techs was 10 minutes away from the problem site.  They didn't have an exact ETR (estimated time to restore) but it shouldn't be much longer.

Suddenly seeing the pepperoni pizza cover photo again I got hungry and decided to eat lunch.

While eating lunch my boss asked me how I knew all this stuff.  I told him...

"Eh, an ex girlfriend and I used to stalk each other's Twitter accounts.  So, I've gotten pretty good at stalking social media to find out information about things."

Well there ya go!  I can't say I would have ever thought that stalking ex lovers on social media would be something I could list as a useful workplace skill set... But it seems to have come in handy today.

We were then able to convey the information about the status of the network to the rest of the college community.

So, this blog post goes out to the ex that taught me my savvy social media sleuthing skills.  You saved the day today and you don't even know it.

A Close One

Ok, so I'm mere days away from closing out my monthly budget.  Technically it ends at midnight on the 20th into the 21st.  I've got about 20 bucks left for my base pay.

So that means I spent my entire paycheck on... Things.  Expenses.  Life.  Nearly 600 bucks went to vet things.  I have one cat left that needs teeth cleaning.  Then that cost will drop.  I sold my mom's jeep and so I now no longer have to carry the car insurance on her jeep.  So that will be one less cost as well.

The good news is, I didn't spend beyond my paycheck.  Which I'm pretty happy about.  It means I'm getting things back to where they should be.

I should be able to make it this month on just my paycheck, so that I don't include my additional income sources.  Next month I'll have to pay the property taxes so I won't include those in my monthly budget, but instead I'll break that down into the next few months and try to spend even less to make that money back.  It's sort of like taking an interest free loan from myself.

I also have to start budgeting again for capital expenditures... New appliances... New gizmos and gadgets... Like a new phone.  Or if one of the things I use in every day life fails and I have to replace it.  House maintenance.  Etc. Etc.

Technically I've made enough money in the last 12 months from my investments to pay the property taxes.  So that's not too bad.  I could just use that income source and say that my dividends last year covered that.  Also this year so far I'm actually trading according to my trading plan.  Last year I had 3 stocks that soured, but I was able to trade out of them and make more money in gains than I had in losses.  I had hundreds of very small trades that had a greater value than the 3 big losses... SO far this year... They are all holding steady.  But I'll be ready if one of them does sour.  I have an oil and gas fund that is limping along.  I bought it a few years ago before this whole oil price crash thing happened.  If it goes bad... I'll trade out of it from all my little tiny trades that will add up to a greater value than the one big loss... If it recovers... great.  As of right now it's still paying me a dividend on a monthly basis... So I'll just let it ride.  My first rule of trading is...

As long as a stock continues to pay a dividend... Never sell at a loss.  Ever.  Keep it until I get merged or bought out or the company goes bust.  If it stops paying a dividend and has no hope for ever returning to the original purchase price or at least recovering some of the value... Then I consider selling it only after I've made lots of little trades to zero out.

Currently my capital gains are outpacing my dividends.  Which is my trading strategy.  Only purchase dividend paying stocks and stay long.  Wait for the stock to rise in price and sell for small gains, generally between a few percent to maybe 10 to 15 percent.  Invest the profits into diversifying into something new and put the original capital back into another stock.  I'm just going to try to stay on track with that.  I just sold a stock today so I'll use that original lot of capital to get right back into a new one in the next few days.  The profits from today's sale will go with other profits until I have enough money to open up a new stock slot.  The idea is that I just keep repeating very small trades over and over again.  Everyone goes for the big money... But you're more likely to be right on very small trades than you are to be right on one big giant trade.

I just keep my capital gains above my dividends to set the pace and stay in on 40 simultaneous dividend paying stocks.  Eventually I'll probably start trading 41 stocks... And then 42 and 43... Etc. etc.  I don't really plan to cap my stock slots only the total amount will be capped.  I might end up with thousands of different stocks one day.  Just very small amounts in thousands of different stocks.  As I continue to trade and I make profits from price appreciation that will go to opening up a new stock slot.  So yea, as the number of different stocks I own goes up... The amount I put into any one stock will still stay capped.  This will force diversification and will force my stock collection to grow horizontally instead of vertically.  That way if any one stock goes bad, I can quickly recover from that loss because it just knocks me down a stock slot.  I still receive dividend income from those stocks as well, so even if I make no trades... I'll keep getting dividend income and if a stock completely goes bust... It's only a small fraction of my entire portfolio.  That will help mitigate the risk of being in stocks.

I'm also going to start adding ETFs like bond funds and things like that.

But the key to it all is not having to touch any savings.  Money can't grow if it's being spent.  So, Im going to use this month and each month going forward to learn how to shave off little bits in my budget an save more.

It's kind of been somewhat boring for me recently because I really don't go out much anymore.  I don't travel or anything.  I pretty much just do the same routine over and over again.  Yeah, it's not ideal... But it's a short term thing.  What I want to do is get my stocks setup so that the dividend income from that slowly takes over my paycheck.  As it climbs higher and higher I'll start to use that more and more to cover my costs in life...

Then... I'll just transition to that entirely.

The thing I definitely like about owning and maintaining a stock portfolio is that it's yours.  Like... You have it for the rest of your life.  Once you start an investment portfolio and you maintain it... You take it with you wherever you go.  It's digital... So you don't have to worry about if you move to a new place, it goes with you.  You don't have to worry about if you change jobs... I mean heck, even once I'm only using my stocks to maintain everything in my life, I'll still work.  Now that work might change to just writing and recording music all day and writing books in the evening.  Or maybe I might just go for some jobs that I wouldn't normally work.  Maybe I'll head back to school.

The idea is that instead of being reliant on an income from a 9 to 5 paycheck job... Using investment income can let you cover your costs and then have the freedom to do what you like without having to worry about living expenses.  Maybe I won't work for 6 months at a time.  Maybe I'll just volunteer.  Or maybe I'll just sit at the beach every day for a month straight and meditate on the ocean waves.

Who knows.  But what I do know is maintaining a strict budget no matter how much money I might have in savings... Is key to making money last.  And not just making money last... But continuing to grow money so that the pot you pull from to pay your bills just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

So that's my plan and I'm sticking to it.  A boring life now... strict budgeting and staying the course with my investment strategy.

My future investment strategy will eventually involve starting to use some of my trading profits to give money to people to manage for me.

Ideally what I want to do is get up to 5 or 10 different people managing individual portfolios for me.  Then what I'll do is apply the 10 percent rule.

The 10 percent rule works like this... Every year you fire your bottom 10 percent performing employees and hire 10 percent new people.

So... Let's say I have 10 different people managing money for me.  Every year I look at the worst performer.  He gets fired... those investments are taken from him and handed to someone new.  Then... The next year, I evaluate the worst performer and that one is let go.

It was something that I heard on a podcast about how one guy manages his company.  He basically just does like monthly evaluations on his employees and then according to those evaluations he'll let go the bottom 10 percent and hire new people.  He also rewards the top 10 percent.  So there's more than just an incentive to work hard enough not to lose your job.

It's an interesting concept... Mostly meant for sales teams and those sorts of jobs.  So it MAY not be ideal for people managing money on my behalf.  But I think it could apply to financial managers as well working on your behalf.  Basically your job is just to not be the last one in the race.  There are 10 people running this race.  The slowest one won't advance.  Just be faster than the other 9 and you're golden.  We'll see though.  That's years away.  For now I'll just keep doing it all myself.

In case you can't tell... I don't like to put too much into any one thing.  After all... We're all made up of billions of tiny individual cells.  We're not one big giant amoeba.

So the way I look at it... That's the way to go.  I mean just look around you... Everything is made up of lots of TINY things creating one big thing.

My front lawn isn't ONE big giant blade of grass.  It's LOTS of tiny blades that make up the whole.

This is why I cap my stocks and diversify outward into more and more small positions instead of just holding lots of money in one single or a handful of stocks.

My cats don't just have one piece of hair surrounding them and you don't have just one strand of hair on your head.  You have lots of hairs.  And you lose hairs every day.. they fall out.  But the reason why your hair keeps growing is because even with those lost hairs... You get growth from the remaining ones and then the ones that do fall out get replaced.

This is my exact investment strategy.  Lots of little tiny eggs in lots of little tiny baskets.

 

Official Cat Dad

I feel as though I reached official cat dad status last night.  Possibly.  I woke up to my alarm with 4 cats on my bed all staring at me.  Apparently they wandered in during the night at some point.

I know what they wanted.  They were waiting for me to get up to feed them downstairs.

It started with one cat a while ago coming in and out and then eventually the others started to lay on my bed in the evenings.

See, usually my mom would go to bed and they would all follow her to her room and sleep with her on her bed.  But now that she's been gone a few months they are kind of starting to transition from... "When is the other person coming home?  She's usually not gone this long when she's away!  Were is she???"

When my mom was in the hospital each time, they would kind of know that she would be back and they'd wait for her.  As each stay got slightly longer they would still sort of get the idea that she'd be back.

I guess they are kind of starting to possibly realize that she isn't coming back.  Maybe they are holding out some small hope... But I feel like they have finally possibly realized that she won't be here to sleep in her bed again.

So last night I guess they all wound up in my bed in the early morning hours.  It was the first time that all of them had done that.

I haven't changed a lot around the house.  I've just done a small thing here or there.  My most recent thing was throwing out a toothbrush.  And I just contacted EZ-Pass to send that back.  I've also been throwing out or using little food items here or there.  I ate a package of Pop Tarts a few nights ago.  My mom was all about her Pop Tarts as a late night snack.

There's still a lot of stuff to handle.  It's hard working through it all.  But I just kind of keep on going with it.  because that's what you do in life.  Just keep on keeping on...

I don't know what's going to happen next in my life.  I guess I'm open to anything really.  For now... I'm a cat dad.  Maybe my life will take a different direction in the coming months, or years.  I guess, just have to see.

Well, I guess we'll also see if these cats decide to cuddle up around me tonight again.  One of them does this thing where she will just sprawl out next to me and stick her paw out.  She won't actually touch you.  She'll just sit there with her paw out until you pet her.  It almost looks like she's wanting a handshake or a high five.  Cats.  Am I right?

The Feelings Scale

I feel like the hardest part about dating is A) you care about them B) they care about you.

Ok... So everyone that you currently know now... You didn't know at some point.  You couldn't have cared less what happened to them.  You'd just be a stranger looking in towards the accident and being like... That sucks for that person.  Everyone starts at a 0.  Or maybe... MAYBE a 1.  Just because how can you not care generally about your fellow neighbor?  Your dear neighbor.

But if it's someone you care about that's in an accident.  You say.. Oh my god!  And you are personally worried sick.  You feel the bottom of your stomach drop out.

I mean yes you are concerned for the person you don't know as just a fellow human... But it's not the same as if one of your close friends has something happen to them.  Or a family member or something like that.  A coworker or classmate.  People you've definitely bumped up from a 1 to a higher number.

But if I go downtown and walk around... I can't say any of those people are higher than a 1 on the feeling scale.

That part is really hard when it comes to dating.  Not just caring about them... But getting them to care about you.

What changes?  How does that occur?  What makes those numbers bump up for both people?

I mean some people immediately seem to command a higher number from others just off the bat.  Like for example... Pretty much everyone I know is all like... Tay Swift... She gets a 10.

I don't know about all that.  I'd still give her a 1 or 2 myself.  Honestly? I never got on the Taylor Swift bandwagon.  She's ok fine... But I'm not sold.  I'll say that to her face too.  I don't care.  I don't think she's worth the amount of money people pay for her tickets for her shows.  She's got an OK voice but it's not AMAZING.  She's no Joni Mitchell.

I'll give her a 1.5 on the feelings scale.

But I'm not dating Taylor Swift... So back to my point...

Like for example I'm chatting with a few girls on the site.  If they suddenly told me they decided to go date another guy.  I wouldn't be jealous at all.  I don't care really.

Or if they told me that they were in an accident... Actually one of them a couple weeks ago was in an accident.  I asked if she was ok and she said yea... It was just a fender bender.  I wasn't like over the top distraught.  I was just like oh... That sucks.  But had no real genuine concern other than "Well let me know if there's anything I can do".  That convo eventually fizzled out because she had too much on her plate to date.

But for the jealous part... Ok there are other girls that I know in real life that are single... and if they tell me they made out with a guy or something.  I could care less.  Like my one friend Jess that I've known for EVER.  Whenever she tells me about a guy she's dating, I don't care.  I'm just like that's great!  And then when it doesn't work I'm like awwww that sucks.  She's a good friend.  I'll place her as a 4 on the feels scale.

Ok but back to the dating thing.  So, there's the first message.  This is SUPER hard because... Most of the time they won't respond.  Guys rarely get first messages.  It's just not something that happens in online dating.  Same for bars I guess.  Girls just don't make the first move.  It's a cultural thing I imagine.  I feel as though girls have been taught to sit and wait for a guy to come to them.  Not that anyone TOLD them to do this exactly... But just over the years growing up from little kids onwards... The guys tend to be more of the ones to hit on the girls.  So they just learn it from experience.

It's like if you grow up in New Jersey but then you suddenly move to PA... You'll sit there in your car at the pump wondering why no one is helping you.

Maybe in the dating world there's a place that's like pumping gas is for dating.  Maybe there's a state where the girls are totally all about hitting on guys.  Instead of sitting there in the car waiting for the guy to come up to them to pump their gas.

That sounds... Sexual.

Guy: "Hey baby... Can I pump your gas?"

Girl: "No... I pump my own gas thank you.  How about you let me pump your gas some time though?"

Guy: "Well... Sure I guess.  That's... Not normally how it works... But... Well okay.  If you insist."

Anyways...

I WISH girls made the first move.  We need to change society so that it's more where people make first moves if they feel like it.

I feel like this is why I end up dating resident assistants... Because they tend to be more type A take initiative type of people so they probably end up hitting on me and asking me on a date and then I'm like ok.

It's not that I don't like taking the initiative.  My problem is... I don't like being unwelcome.  I don't want to talk to a girl in a bar that isn't interested.  I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.  I get all apologetic.  I feel bad for making her feel bad.

This is why we all need to carry around a paper card that has green on one side and red on the other.  We hold it up as we go around and if you're holding up a green and they hold a red, you don't even talk to them.  If they hold up a green to your green....

Then you start a converstation.

Also they need relationship rings.  SO that I know which girls are not only married but also in relationships so I can hit on only the single ones.  Or just make single rings.  So that way I KNOW which girls are single and are interested in having a guy talk to them.

Or they should just make a special hat or shirt that you wear out to the bar... If you aren't wearing that... No guy is allowed to talk to you unless you have the hat on.

It's the... I'm single and wish to be hit on hat.

If I don't have a hat on... NO ONE... should hit on me.

And guys should respect that.

I like the card idea though.

So maybe there's a response, regardless of who made the first move.  Like I said 95 percent of the time.... There won't be a response.  Most people just aren't mutually interested.  And why should they be?  Who the heck is this person and why should I give you the time of day?

I hate that though.  I wish more people talked to strangers.  Maybe it's a Philadelphia thing.  Maybe other places people just talk to people they don't know and are more open to getting to know people just to be nice.

The problems start when you start talking.  I feel like each person is looking for a reason NOT to continue to get to know this person.

We should just walk up to one another and give each other a check box list and have them fill it out and then score them based on the list.  If they pass the list... Then we start talking.

But then all the people I know that are actually married... Most of them have NOTHING in common.  They all say "Oh they weren't even my type.  I HATED them when we first met."

But now they're married.

In the dating thing though there are so many things that can go wrong.  If they find out something about you they don't like.

-If they are only into guys over 6 feet and they notice that you're not 6 feet.

-If they only like a specific religion.

-How they are registered to vote.

-What's their favorite type of chocolate?  Milk or dark?

-Mountains or beach?

-Red wine or white wine?

All these deal breakers.

But here's what's interesting... All those "deal breakers" are out the window... Once the feelings start for someone.

They could be not in your optimal height (I used to prefer a girl be shorter than me until I met a girl that was 5'9" that totally blew my mind, now I'm just like whatever.  Also she smoked cigarettes which was a total deal breaker... but it didn't matter once I was hooked on her love spell.  I know right?  So now I don't have any deal breakers... because of that girl.).  They could have beliefs that don't match up.  Anything really... But you have this weird strange... feeling inside of you.  You just can't shake it.  You can't stop thinking about them.

Why?

They don't have ANY of the ideal compatibilities you desire in someone that you'd eventually like to end up with.  But yet... what is it about this person?

They don't even like the same music you do.  You're a democrat, they're a republican.  What the heck...

Nothing makes sense.

BAM.

You're in love.  Suddenly if something happened to this person you'd be devastated.

They are totally NOT perfect at all... But to you... That one person becomes the most perfect person in the world.  And there's absolutely no logic behind it at all.  They are just so...

Heart melting... Weak at the knees.  They make you gush.  You just walk to talk to them 24/7 and be around them 24/7.

That whole part makes no sense to me.

Because of all the girls I do talk to on the dating site... The ones that continue talking enough to get to a coffee date... And then enough to meet a few more times.  Or even make it to a first kiss... Are never the ones that I was hoping to hear back from initially.  It's mostly... Oh I got another message from this person.  And then I reply just to reply because... Eh.  No one else is replying to messages.

That's what is happening right now with one girl that I've started texting with.  I mean she seems nice, but I don't have any long  term interested in her as far as ... "She's the one and I want to marry her".  I'll get coffee with her just because... What have I got to lose?  But if we stopped talking tomorrow.  I wouldn't care.

I wouldn't sit there googling all her social media to see what she's posting and what she's up to and keep tabs on her because I miss the crap out of her.  I'd just move on.

But who knows?  Maybe after I grab coffee with her there will be something she says or does that will hook me.  I don't know?  It's possible.

Someone once told me you should give someone until at least the first kiss.  Then decide from there.  Now, there are people you are just NOT attracted to at all.  And even a first kiss isn't going to help anything.

But I'll certainly grab coffee with this girl.  She's not mean or anything.  But if someone would ask me to rate how much feeling I have for her on a scale of 1-10... I'd have it at a 1.

And before you go saying "That's mean!" remember that Taylor Swift only gets a 1.5 from me on the feelings scale.

There's another girl that I got coffee with a few weeks ago that I'm supposed to grab a beer with.  Yes, I date multiple people at the same time.  I'm pretty sure everyone does.

Here's my deal, I feel like you have to go on at least a half dozen dates to consider the person more exclusive.

Or you have to have at least a 5 on the feelings scale.

Right now... The girl that I met for coffee and am going to meet for a beer is a 2.  Why did she move up from a 1 to a 2?  Because every few days I'll get a bump from her into my thoughts and then I'll feel like texting her and be like hey... How goes?  And then when she does send me a text I get slightly excited.  Not excited... really... But... I don't know, I enjoy seeing a text from her.  Versus some people that text me I'm just like...

"I'll answer that one later."

And then it's like a chore to respond to them.

I wasn't over the top gushy about this girl that I'm going to meet for a beer.  We'll call her J because it's the first initial of her first name.

But... I don't know. I'm intrigued.  Let's put it that way.  She might be first kiss material.

Anyways, the down side of J is that she lives in the city.  The upside is that she's in med school.  And she only lives in the city because she's going to med school.

I like her laugh too.  She seems nice.

So... Hey... I'll grab a beer and see how that goes.  Maybe after a beer we'll hit 3 on the feelings scale.

Who knows.  Maybe I'm still only a 1 to her.  Maybe after the beer she'll bump me down to a 1 or a 0.  And after the beer I'll bump her to a 4.  That's the way dating works.

Everyone is taking everyone else up and down number scales and when you get two people that get to a 5 or even all the way to a 10 each...

They're all just bumping numbers.  Or bumping uglies.  I guess some people don't give a crap about the  number scale and they just bump anyone they can.

Thats not dating though.  That's just... Fooling around.  Or like I said... Bumping uglies.  Which is one way to get into a relationship.  You just start having sex and can't stop.  Or you don't feel like finding someone new so you then just start with all the other romantic stuff even though all you REALLY want is sex.  It's like paying a toll.

All you want to do is get over to NJ to have your gas pumped for you.  But you have to pay the toll on the way back.

That's how you get a relationship.  Ether by numbers... Or you just want your gas pumped.  Obviously it has to stay up there.  The number... has to stay up there.  So if both people are at a 10.... And someone lies or cheats.

That drops the number down.

Maybe it drops it down far enough to be a 1 or 0.  Or into the negative digits territory.

That's when you get break ups and divorces.

It's all about the feeling scale.

Like if I met Rebel Wilson in person... She'd be an immediate 10.  Because she's freakin' Rebel Wilson and she's funny as hell.  But if we started dating and she cheated on me with like Leonardo DiCaprio... Then she's be down at a 0.  Because I could never trust her.

So right now...

The most I have is a 2.

I just feel like... I'm never going to have someone new that I'll meet in the future become significant in my life though.  I mean... Not like I had in years past.  I can't imagine anyone making my heart feel the way that a girl of my past had made it feel.

I meet lots of great new people and they are fine and dandy and nice.  But... I don't know.  They hover in the low 2 and 3 range.  I can't get anyone to make my heart boost up to a 4 or 5.  Let alone anything above a 5.  I feel like 5 is...

"I'm seeing this person and I'm really excited about them."

To me that's a 5.  Then 6 is... Officially in a relationship and actually excited about this one.

But some how someone that I don't even know will go from a

0 - "Excuse me?  Is this seat taken?  Do you mind if I sit next to you?"

To... a

10 - "This is the best day of my life.  I can't believe we get married today!  And who'd of thought on that day when I sat next to you... We'd end up like this?  Wow."

How?   Really?  I guess.

I just feel defeated at the moment when it comes to dating... because I've had so many duds and fizzles and nothing that seems to climb in the feelings scale beyond a very low number.  Not just on my end, but on hers too.

Because... As the saying goes... it takes two to tango.  Or should I say, it takes two to Ten-go.

The Story Of The 2009 Little Black Dress Pinot Grigio

So I have this bottle of wine.  It's a 2009 Pinot Grigio from Little Black Dress.  I bought it 5 years ago in 2011 for a girl to give to her for her birthday.  I bought it about a week or so before her birthday, which is on groundhogs day.

I'll be honest... I usually don't buy girls bottles of wine.  In fact, I've never bought a girl a bottle of wine.  Not before I met her, not since.  SO why did I buy this girl, who actually at the time wasn't even talking to me... a bottle of wine?  I have no idea.  I can't tell you.  I honestly can't.  But she just... I don't even know.  She has this weird effect on me that I really still don't clearly understand.  And here I still have it, the bottle of wine, for some reason.  I've gone to crack it open and drink it several times and just be like eh... Oh well... but I just can't seem to do it.  Again, I don't exactly know why I keep it.  But I still have it.

Actually let me back up.  Because there's a lot more to this...  In college, I met and fell in love with a girl.  We're talking madly in love.  Crazy in love.  Like I was "THIS" close to proposing to her.  I mean... I seriously thought she was the one.  The only problem?  She was dating someone else.  So, I started dating someone else.  I mean, whatever... It wasn't meant to be.

Fast forward a few years to my senior year.  I'm now living with the girl I was dating.  We're pretty serious.  I like her a lot, I mean, I love her... I don't know if I was "in love" with her... But we were good and I loved her.  We were comfortable.  I probably could have married her and spent the rest of my life with her, in fact, I had actually decided I would do just that later on... In 2009 when this bottle of wine was bottled.  I'll get to that part later.

My senior year, 2004 ish... The girl I'm living with (and dating) goes home early for winter break.  The girl I'd fallen for years previous (my Resident Assistant) in the residence hall asked me if I wanted to hang out at her apartment.  So, I hang out.  We end up staying up and talking.  For hours.  She confesses a personal secret to me that I won't say here.  It was a personal tragedy of sorts and she just really needed someone to confide in and talk to.  We really start to connect over this.  Eventually it's super late and we both end up falling asleep.  She has to be at work early.  She recently graduated and was just working now.

The next morning I go home.  Then the next night I head back to her place.  I stay the night again.  Nothing happens.  But... Something has changed.  She's now single and has told me that she's interested in me.

I won't go into detail of the events of 2004/2005 but suffice it to say... I broke up with the previous girl on New Years Eve.  It was not a good night.  I then dated the other girl for a month.  Eventually... She broke it off with me.  I started to try and mend things with the ex, we were still living together.  Then in the late summer of 2005 I get a phone call from the other girl... She's enrolling in a master's degree and going back to school, same college.  By this point, I was back together again with the girl from college, not my RA but she was also an RA.  They were both Resident Assistants... Just in different buildings.  I have a thing for Resident Assistants apparently.  Actually the most recent girl I dated... was also an RA in college too.  I'm guessing the next girl I date... Yep... Will have probably been an RA in college.  Really they should just make a search filter on the dating sites for girls that were RA's in college.

So the longtime college girl and I are together.  I'll refer to her as D.  The other girl, S.  Alright... So it's September 2005, D's brother has recently passed away.  Me and her were basically back together.  She was in a not so great spot.  So... One thing lead to another... But here I have the girl that I was head over heels for texting and calling me every couple nights.

Then S comes to visit the weekend of 10/24.  October 24th 2005.  She basically says to me that she (S) wants to be in a relationship... Again.

So.. I break it off with the other girl (D).  Again.

I know.  I suck.  But love makes you do things you wouldn't normally do under normal circumstances.  Yes, I still suck.  But I'm just trying to rationalize it.

I try to remain friends with the first RA.  It doesn't work.  We keep starting to flirt every time we talk.  And yes... I'll admit it it.  I missed her.

So... What do I do?  I already told you, I suck.  In December I go back to the other girl.  And you can guess what happened.

The next weekend I'm with S and... She gets an email from D...

Yep.  I'll admit it, I did cheat.  I wasn't thinking.  My head wasn't clear.  I'm rationalizing... there's no excuse for cheating ever.  Obviously I know this now.

Ok so S breaks up with me... Again.

She meets this guy S... So they start dating.  He knocks her up.  At this point, I'm just like ok well me and her will never end up together I guess.  But I'm still crazy in love with S even though that's over and we don't talk anymore.

Then I go back with D.  Kind of.  Not really.  I mean... we... keep it a secret.  Obviously her family hates me by this point, although my mom knows it all because I tell her everything.  My mom hates S and thinks the world of D.

So all through 2006 I'm just like this sucks, I miss S.  Even though, yes, I'm trying to make things work again with D.  Then 2007... My grand fatherpasses away...

So we're all like we're rich!

Not so fast...

Turns out there's a trust and whoever controls the trust has the keys to the cash... Now the guy that declares himself trustee of the estate (my grand father's longtime best friend) decides that he's not going to go quietly into the night when he was asked to step down as trustee.  So, a case is filed in the courts.

Usually when you aren't satisfied with a trustee, as the beneficiary you can ask for a new one.  And they are suppose to say "Okay, I'm sorry I wasn't doing the job you wanted.  Hopefully the next trustee will be able to do a better job."

Instead he was like... NEVER!!!!  And then he jumped over top the pile of cash and clawed at it and wouldn't move from it.

He's still sitting on it.  Every now and then he hands a dollar out... But then he puts a dollar in his own pocket too.  Two for me... And one for you... We're still working on removing him.  Hopefully one of these days he'll be able to finally let go and just hand over the pile of money and go his own way.

This is ALL relevant to the bottle of wine... I promise.

D and I stop dating she meets this other guy.  M.  They start doing their thing.  I sign up for a dating site.

I meet a few girls... Nothing clicks... But it's like eh... You know... It's just dating.  It's how dating is SUPPOSED to be... I don't really much care too much because how can you POSSIBLY care SOOOOO much about a girl only knowing her a short while.  Meanwhile I had this history with this D girl since 2001.

We shared college together.  6 years of history.  I feel all lost and confused.  My anchor is drifting away entangled by some other anchor...

Then the two of them break up.  Me and her start... Having secret rendezvous again.

Yay!

Life is good.  But we're not actually dating.  So, I'm still on the dating site.  Meh.  I start playing shows... I'm just like... Working, the trial drags on and on... At some point I get sued by the trustee because of my blogs.

Then he drops the case the day before.

Meanwhile... back in love land... I start saying to myself... I've known this D person since 2001!  It's now 2009.  There's no way I'm going to meet someone else that will ever have this much significance in my life... Ever.

Oh was I wrong.  Oh boy was I wrong.

Fall of 2009... D comes to visit in October... I decide I'm just going to ask her back and do whatever it takes to marry her and be with her forever and ever...

THE VERY NEXT WEEKEND... She meets her now current husband.

Sigh.  Now what?

More dates.  There's this Jewish attorney girl I get excited about... That fizzles out.  I start dating a girl over in South Jersey.  We just can't seem to make a connection.  Also the bridge fee going back and forth to her place is starting to get rather pricey.  SO that ends.

Meanwhile, I check in with D again... She's "Smitten" as she puts it.

Then I start talking to this girl... The ground hogs day girl birthday girl.  We talk a few times... on and off from early January till late March... Finally we agree on a date.

We meet for a date.  You know... there's something about this girl.  I can't place my finger on it.  But there's something about her.

Mind you, I'd been on dozens of dates with other dating site girls... None of them really struck me as anything out of the ordinary.

This girl though?  I don't know.  Now here's my thing... Technically I'm Jewish.  My mom was.  But seriously I really had no intention of ever stepping foot in a church...

Enter... we'll call her K.  Actually I'm K, so she can be K2.

K2... because her birthday is on grounds hog day...2/2.  K2.  That works.

This girl.  Ok so we go on a date.  Mind you the whole time I'm thinking of D.  But REALLY... I'm also still in love with S.

It's complicated.

I have a show the next night.  K2 is all like... I'll come to the show with my friend J!

I'm like that sounds rad.  The show is canceled.  We end up hitting up Bahama Breeze.

Something strikes me about this girl.  Like... There's something I just can't put my finger on.

Her eyes.  Maybe.  They're super beautiful.  I don't know what it is.  She's different.  She's classy, yet... down home.

She was an RA in college.  Of course she was.

Her friend J kind of weirds me out a little.  I mean, she's cool too... But she's a bit intense.  I can't handle her.  But I'm curious.  I'm drawn in.  I'm... Slightly hooked.

Fast forward a few days.  I find out that D and this guy A are REALLY getting along famously... I used my mom's Facebook account to stalk D's Facebook.

Something goes wrong with the case in Cali.

Something goes wrong at work...

I'm fuming.  I pick a fight with K2.  I basically hone in on this whole church thing and I'm like... Seriously God doesn't seem to care about me at all... Look at all this crap.  I tell her I'd never go to church and then we go our separate ways.  Before we stop talking about each other...

I say "If you ever write about me... I'll legal action you."  because I had Googled and found this one article about this guy she dated and she critiqued him or something.  Not that I really cared in reality if she wrote about me.  I mean she could write about me and I wouldn't mind.

Ok so... we stop talking to one another.

I'm writing about her.  Still.  Seriously.  I can't stop!  I don't know why?  It's ridiculous even to me.  I'm doing exactly what I told her NOT to do.  Which is crazy.  But... I still can't get her off my mind.  What the heck?  I know.

We'll get to more of this a little later.

Anyways, Immediately I feel bad.  Hmmm weird.  Why should I feel bad.  I don't know this girl.  I mean I met her twice.  So what?  Bid deal.

I go one some more dates with other girls.  I can't... Stop thinking about her.

Why?

This is where things get interesting.

So earlier that year I'd placed Google Analytics on my blog.  Because I wanted to catch the trustee guy snooping my stuff.  But when he dropped his case... I forgot about it.

So I can't shake this girl.  The K2 girl.  I decide I must see her again.  I email her and see if she wants to take photos of me.  Music artist photos.

She agrees.

So we take the photos.

From the moment that I saw her again in the parking lot in Valley Forge Park... getting out of that old beige beat up Toyota with a dent on the front passenger side.  My heart skipped a beat or two.

So we take photos.

Then we hang out again a few more times.  Yes, I suck.  I used the photos as an excuse to see her again.

She's a smart one though.  REAL smart.  She knew I was making excuses just to see her, she told me "You don't have to make excuses just to talk to me".

That made me melt.  Because to me, it meant she was interested.

We're sitting on her old beat up white couch over the summer passing a stuffed animal back and forth playing catch with it... Which is strange... but at the time it made sense.

Then we kiss.  I've never felt anything like the way I did when that kiss happened.  Not with D... Or S.

That kiss was electric.

I was hooked.

She slowly withdraws.  Eventually she takes me off as friend on Facebook.  I noticed RIGHT away because I'd been looking for her snarky statuses.  I decide to message her and put my feelings right out there.  I may have told her I loved her.  Which probably  was something you aren't supposed to say to a girl that just removed you from Facebook after you and her kind of dating and only sharing a first kiss.  I find out from her roomie that there's more to the story.  This J guy.

I COMPLETELY understand right away.  Because... I had D from college (and S).  SO she had this J guy. Her roomie A told me all she knew about this J guy.

At this point she's on my mind a lot.  Which is strange.  But I decided to go with her roomie's advice and date someone new.  M.

So... M and I start dating...  It's like... September ish... 2010.

M and decide to go on several dates.  Then I start communicating again with K2.  She... wanted to know about the new girl I was dating because she had found out about it from her roomie...

Then I go on a haunted hayride with M... I get a frantic phone call from K2... She lost some photos and she was wondering if I could help.  I tell her I'm kind of on a date but I'll be over after.

SO I go over and help recover the lost photos.

K2 decides she's into me.  That she wants to date me.  Now I have to break off with M.

I feel like I've been here before.

On October 24th 2010... 5 years after breaking it off with D for S...  I'm sitting there about to change my relationship status on Facebook to in a relationship with K2.

But we have to wait until midnight because it's J's birthday.

Also earlier that day on Sunday October 24th, 2010... I went to church with K2.

Yes.  I went to church.  The EXACT thing I said I would NEVER DO.  She got me to do.  The very thing we fought about after our first two dates about 6 months earlier.

This is just getting weird.

This girl.  And her eyes.  It's those eyes of hers.  They have this effect.

Fast forward about 2 weeks. She breaks up with me in Bahama Breeze.

Now starts the twittering and blogging.  She's on my mind like 24/7.  I notice that I'm seeing recurring hits on my analytics.  I'd like to note that I haven't looked at my analytics since this past summer.  I also haven't read any of K2's stuff online since this summer either.

Believe me... I was an avid reader.  Do I miss reading it?  Yes.  Can I bring my self to read it again?  Well... She was dating someone else when I stopped.  I feel like... I should have just been able to stop thinking about her when I stopped reading her stuff...

That's not the case it seems.  Because I'm still here writing about her.

I guess it would just hurt too much to see her happy with someone else.  Even though at the same time, I want her to be happy because I care about her a ton.  But... It just hurts to know someone you want... Is fine without you.

Truth.

It hurt with D, it hurt with S, it hurt with K2.

Anyways, so we start this thing where we're reading one another's twitters and blogs... because... I actually kind of didn't understand this.

She broke up with me... But she was still wanting to know what I was up to?  I knew that she was reading my stuff because  I saw the hits on Analytics.

This confused me for about 5 years until one of my friends finally explained it to me. It's just something girls do.  My friend said to me... Let me ask you this....

You trade stocks right?

I said yes.  My friend said... You sell bad ones right?  You get burned right?

I said yes.

She said... Do you still look up those stock tickers and find out how that stock is doing even though you never intend to invest money with that company ever again...

Yes.

Oh.

I see.

She said to me... Exactly.

So I bought this bottle of wine for her in 2011...

In 2013 her and my trustee both move to the same area in Florida.

in 2015 she meets this new guy and... I stop reading her stuff.  I stop trying to think about her.  It doesn't work.

But out of all the girls I've ever met... I've just never met anyone that's had such a profound effect on my mind.

Maybe I'm making connections where there are none...

But doesn't everyone find it just a little suspicious.

The only girl I've ever said to...

"I don't go to church and I'm not all about that god stuff..."

"If you ever write about me I'll take legal action."  Which I only said because of what was happening with the trustee guy with my grandparents trust.

Has me going to church.

Writing about her.

It's almost like some higher power decided to use a girl and make me fall in love with her... and use a guy holding my trust fund money from me.. and have me work at a religious affiliated workplace for 10 years...

To teach me a lesson.

I probably should have figured out what that lesson is already.

I'm still not sure.

Enter 2015 October 24th...  My mom calls me to tell me she had some breathing troubles the night before.

2 days later my mom goes to the ICU... and doesn't make it out of the hospital.

I feel like at some point in the future... This bottle of wine will make since.

K2 will make sense.  Trustee guy will make sense.

October 24th will make sense.

Or maybe it won't.

But I will say one thing...

If there is a rhyme and reason to any of this... It's that I have learned the most frustrating thing in the world is knowing things are there...

That you can't have.

Not being able to have what you want.  Having it taunted in front of your face.

Love.  Money.

Just always at the tip of your fingers.  Just beyond the very grasp of your hands.

Love... watching your every move.

Money... It's there with love... In the same place that love is... Florida.  Paradise.

Yet neither one can be obtained.  And here I am... Working.  Living.  In the cold.

Mostly just feeling as though I'm being punished, by this God of the heavens, and wondering why I'm being punished.

Probably because I cheated on S with D.

Don't cheat.  This is probably what this is all about.  I'm being taught a very hard and long and drawn out life lesson that started on October 24th 2005.

Or maybe because I...

I should just drink this bottle of Pinot Grigio and be done with it.  Just close out a chapter of my life.

But it's hard.  You know?  I guess for now I'll just keep it on the shelf.  Maybe there will be a final ending to this story that is the 2009 bottle of Little Black Dress Pino Grigio.

For now... I'll just keep blogging probably.  And going on more dates... Looking for love.  And waiting for the next hearing date with the trust...

Oh so anyways when my mom passed away, D and I became friends again on Facebook and started talking.

So we're are friends again on Facebook now.  She's married with a kid... and S added me years ago.  She's not married, but she has a kid.

And K2... I don't know.  I stopped reading her stuff over the summer when I was overcome with jealousy.

I'm still jealous.

Such is life.

People move on and meet new people.  Some people get stuck in the past.

Some day this whole blog post will all make sense.  Right now... I'm still not certain as to what is going on.  But I feel like it has something to do with love and money.  And going to church for a girl.

And October 24th.

And a bottle of Pino Grigio wine.

And a long as heck blog post.  Wow.  did I really just spend like 3 hour writing this?  I did.  It's almost 4am.  I'm going to bed.  Good thing I don't have to work tomorrow because I worked Saturday.

Good night.

Spandex, I mean, Yandex.

I was going to blog about that "one that got away girl" again (because obviously the world needs more blogs about her).  But.. I figured I should at least post one blog every once in a while that isn't about that.  Plus we all already know that she got away and she's probably having the weekend of her life with the "keeper" that she met last summer.  They're probably already married by now and she probably doesn't even remember I even exist, etc. etc.  I imagine that they are sitting in a hot tub together surrounded by orchids, which are her favorite flower... and sipping on a nice alcoholic beverage saying to one another "I still can't believe I met you.  My life has been amazing ever since you walked into my life.  I can't imagine ever being without you ever again."

Lucky guy.  Also I wish I had a hot tub right about now.  Actually I'm mostly jealous of their hot tub.  I bet it's ocean front too.  Like out on a rooftop that overlooks the water.  Sitting in a hot tub in February must be amazing.  Seriously.  I guess that's what life is like when you live in Florida.

I've seen Pitbull's music videos.  I know how it is.  Everyone's hot and rich.

I'll get there some day.  Well, probably not the hot part.  I'm past my prime these days.  Maybe the rich part.

Really I just want an ocean front hot tub that I can sit in and know everyone else up north is freezing their bums off on a cold February night.

Meanwhile... Unlike the one that got away girl, since we can't all meet the love of our lives while living in paradise in a place that never gets below freezing and everyone can go to the beach every day of the year, I spent this very frigid Valentine's eve up the street at my usual writing spot finally finishing a scene I've been stuck on for months.  So... all is not lost.

Anyways... So after I finished writing and having my beer and eating my bavarian soft pretzels...

I'm living the high life I tell ya.  Uh huh... whatevs, that's right, hot tub girl.  You don't have bavarian soft hot pretzels and a spicy mustard dip as well...

Actually you probably do.  Oh well.  Fine.  Whatever.  You and your fancy hot tub boyfriend/fiancé/husband... He's probably super tall and rich and ripped and good looking and makes a 7 figure income.  And he's dark and tall and handsome.  And they probably have EVERYTHING in common and are just like  "YASSSSS.  I can has soulmate."

Oh well.  I can't compete with that.  How can I compete with that?  I can't.

Eh, at least your happy.  Good for you.

Ok well anyways, I came home and I checked on my latest music sales... I'm raking it in.  Of course my raking it in, I've made another 12 bucks.  Which, is enough to cover the beer and pretzel I ate at the bar.

Win.

Whatevs, hot tub girl.  Yeah what.

Ok soo... I checked my music sales and I hit 12 bucks.  I then saw the source of the income and found a digital distribution that I'd never seen before: Yandex.  I was like...

Spandex?

No.  This is Yandex.  Russia.  It's a Russian streaming music service.  Apparently a whole bunch of my songs are being streamed a whole bunch in Russia.

Of course the conversion in currency means that for every thousand streams I get like enough money to buy a half a Tic Tac.  But not the good orange flavor, like the flavor that no one wants.  Hey I'll take it!  The important thing is people are listening to my tunes.

And that's all that matters.  So the song that I originally wrote for the hot tub girl to get her to like me back again... which obviously didn't work... Is now being streamed all over Russia.

I guess technically this still counts as a blog about the one that got away.  Oh well.

In other news while I was out tonight I looked in the direction of a girl.  She looked back.  Then looked away.  Then I looked away.  Then she looked back a few minutes later but quickly looked away.  Then I looked back at her again after a few minutes.  Then she paid her tab and left.  I think we made a connection.  It might be the start of something magical.

Although, odds are... I'll never see her again.  Seem's to be a theme in my life.  Hot tub girl... Random girl at the bar tonight that made eyes with me...  Sigh.  Love is sooo elusive.

One day... I'll find it.  One day.  I feel like the day I DO find it... I'll get a phone call from hot tub girl and she'll be like sooo hey.  And I'll be like completely unable to say no to her.  Because even if I meet someone and we're like married for 10 years and have a kid and a house together...

I'd still just let the hot tub girl right back in.  Obviously that won't happen because she's in love with hot tub boy.  But I'm just saying she always has a key to my heart.  No matter what.  10 years from now.  20 years from now.  No matter what girl I might possibly be with.  She'd still have the power to just walk right back in.  I could be at my own wedding standing there about to say "I do".  And if she walked up to the two of us and said... "Hey, so... You want to get out of here?"

I'd say...

"Hells yeah."

I guess it's a good thing she met hot tub boy then.  Oh well... Happy Valentine's Day to those two love birds and happy Valentine's Day to all the other love birds out there.

And a special thanks to all the people in Russia downloading/streaming my songs on Yandex... maybe one of them is wearing Spandex.  I only want one of them to be wearing Spandex so I can say... You downloaded my song on Yandex while wearing Spandex.

Yep.

 

 

Dating Rant

So, I've been single like... For a long long LONG time.  Mostly... It's because... I kind of want to actually like the girl I date.

And I think that's a fair request.  I don't think that's too much to ask for out of a relationship companion.

Yes, I've had some girls that were interested in me ask me if I wanted to date.  Could I have dated them?  Yes.  But even after a first kiss... there still weren't any sparks for me.  I mostly just feel like it's unfair to date someone that after you've kissed them you still have no genuine romantic feels.  It's almost like leading them on in my mind.

I mean... I feel as though there should at least be some kind of romantic interest in the person that you get at least some sort of little pitter-patter in your heart for them.

Ok, so... What about the girls I have had 'the feels' for?  They usually aren't interested back.  Well, not usually... They just aren't.

Take a girl that I have spoken to on the dating site a few times over the last year.  Each time we start talking... She eventually stops responding.  Then we'll message again, and she'll say... something like... "Huh, you know, I think we've spoken before but I guess it fizzled out... I have no idea why though."

So, I give it another try.  I start talking to her again.  I start with chit chat...  She does it again.  Just stops responding.

The reason why it fizzled out... Is because you just stop responding to me.  And you just did it again.

It happens a lot though, so it's not just her.  I mean, I'm sure everyone does it.  If you're not feeling something for someone.  You're not.  So, ok fine she's not feeling anything back.  Oh well.

That's not really my rant though.  My rant is mostly... Why is it that even one girl that I ACTUALLY genuinely am interested in... can't just be genuinely interested back?  How come the ones that even after a first kiss I feel nothing for are still there after the first kiss saying to me... "Well if you ever change your mind let me know."

Then I try to think about it for weeks and try to convince myself... Maybe I could like them?  But then I think about the kiss and how there just wasn't anything there at all for me.  And I just can't do it.

Whereas the ones that I, say, even go on a first date with, and I'm like ok... I'm definitely interested in a second date...

Text to follow up...

No reply.

Or we schedule a second date and then she cancels at the last minute.  And then I try to reschedule and she can't seem to fit me in.  And then she'll text to say... "Sorry, I'm actually dating someone else now and I really want to see where that goes, but I had fun talking to you and getting to know you."

Or after a couple dates... "I'm more just getting a friend vibe.  What are your thoughts?"  Which happened to me like a month ago after going on a date with this photography/outdoorsy hiker girl that I thought was really cute and fun.  But then she wanted to be friends.  Although, she still hasn't responded to the last couple of texts that I sent her a few weeks ago.  So even the friends thing didn't work out too well.

Ok.  Well... She wasn't the one either.

I don't know.  It's just annoying.  It's never mutual.  And then there's all these people on Facebook posting pics of roses that their man delivered to them captioned:

"Two dozen roses delivered.  Boy done right."

I'd LOVE to do that for a girl.  But I don't just want to do it for ANY girl.  I want to do it for a girl that I genuinely have feelings for.  Because even worse than being single on Valentine's day is having to buy roses for a girl that you know in your heart you don't have any true feelings for her and eventually... You're going to want to break up with her some day.  But you're with her giving it a shot to see if any feelings develop... But they don't... and... All the girls you WANTED and HAD feelings for, true feelings for, never returned the interest.  And so you're with this girl, trying to make yourself feel something.  Trying to look at her in "that way" to conjure up those butterflies.  But they never come.  And then you dread every time you have to go on a next date with her.  Or you dread having to be around her and pretend that this is going to go somewhere, when in your mind.... You know it's already over.

I guess that's why I'm still single though.  I guess if I HAD met a girl where it all happened mutually... I'd be on my way to getting engaged and married and all that.  Because both of us would actually, genuinely, want one another.

But here I am.  I've got nothing.  Well, not nothing, I've met some friends that started as dating.  I'm just avoiding logging into Facebook because I'm tired of all the people posting about their loves of their lives taking them out for Valentine's day or buying them flowers.  All the stuff I want SOOOOO badly to do for a girl...

But none of the girls I meet in any of the dating scenes where I genuinely want from the depths of my heart to do that for them... Want it back.  At least not from me.  They want it from other guys I guess.  But I'm not the one they want.

I wish I could just bring myself to like any of the girls that have been interested in me instead of just seeing them as friends.  It would just be so much easier if there were a technique to flip the switch on to feel loving feelings for someone.

I just can't shake the feeling that most relationships aren't mutual.  But that one of the people in the relationship just has a talent or ability to turn on feelings... Or at least fake it till they make it.  I just can't bring myself to do that though.

I honestly believe that love happens.  You don't make it happen.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe you just pick someone and keep dating them until eventually you figure out how to love them.  But, I just can't seem to do that, even though I've tried it in the past.  It just never works for me.  I need to feel those genuine loving  feelings for a girl.  I want to wake up each morning with her on my mind and have her be the last thought on my mind before I go to sleep.

Maybe that's unrealistic.  I just feel like it's not THAT much to ask for out of the whole dating/relationships thing.  I feel like you should at least want the person.  I feel like you should at least be able to say to the person "I want you."  And then kiss them.  And actually think in your mind... "WOW. I REALLY like this person.  I don't want to EVER stop kissing them.  I wish this kiss would go on forever."

It shouldn't be...

"So... I wonder how much longer I should kiss for... I'm not enjoying this... At all... I kind of want to stop kissing this person right now but I don't want to upset them and make them feel bad.  Maybe I'll just kiss for a little while longer.  Ok, this was definitely a mistake.  I shouldn't have made out with this person at all.  Now what am I going to say.  Crap, I don't want to have to tell them I don't want to kiss them again.  I'll just keep kissing them.  Ugh, I'm stuck in that spot where I don't want to talk to them after the kiss but I don't want to kiss them anymore.  This is the worst."

Then when the kiss is over they say "I really like kissing you."

And you just point at the TV and comment on something on the screen.  Then talk about how tired you are and how the time is getting late and you really need to get some sleep.

Awkward.

If the last person you kissed was actually someone you REALLY wanted to kiss.  And you know that they REALLY wanted to kiss you.  You're lucky.  That's all I have to say.  Just know how lucky you are that you've found that.  Because I've searched high and low and still can't seem to find that.

End rant.

Valentine’s Day (Singletine’s Day)

I've decided to rename Valentine's Day to Singletine's Day.  I feel like it's a cooler name.  Plus... According to my calculations (calculations not official calculations) more people are probably single than with someone they love.  Even some people that are "with someone" probably aren't all snuggly wuggly I wuv you type of in love with the person they are with.  Theoretically one might argue in their hearts they really are single.

So what are my plans for Singletine's Day?  Hmmm... I plan to meet the love of my life.  I'll just randomly be out picking out a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon (true story: I always end up Googling Cabernet Sauvignon to get the spelling right), or perhaps picking up some chocolate at the grocery store and we'll reach for the same package of chocolate while standing next to one another trying to pick one out.  For those of you that don't know, chocolate helps during the winter to keep your mood elevated.  Something about the lack of sun can actually make you feel slightly sad... but chocolate has some kind of counter balance.

Ok, so I'm probably not going to meet he love of my life picking out red wine and chocolate.  In all honesty, I don't think I have a love of my life.  So far there's only been one girl on this planet that... I don't know... She just... was different from all the rest.  She made my heart beat slightly faster... Honestly... It was strange.  Any and all contact in any way shape or form I ever had with her made my heart gush.  Even just thinking about her.  Even when she sent me an email or two saying... how DEFINITELY not interested she was anymore... That still made my heart do doubles.  She's definitely one of my favorite people that I've linked up life timeline/pathways with.  I mean, obviously there will be more people that I'll continue to meet as I move through life.  There's always someone new it seems.  I mean I met two new people today that I'd never met in my entire life ever.

Isn't that strange?  I've been on this planet 33 years and that was the first time I'd ever met either of these two people.  Maybe there's hope for having a magic love on a future Valentine's Day yet.  Who knows?

Isn't it also strange how some people, like the two new people I met today... It's just so bland.  Like, oh hi... and a handshake.  But then... every once in a while (or in the case of that one girl, once in a lifetime so far it seems)...

You walk up to them meeting them for the first time... Or you hear their voice for the first time ever... And there's just something different.  Like the whole world changes slightly.  And you look around you like... "Wait... Did you notice that?  Everything is... Different now.  What is happening?"

And they just look at you and think you're slightly crazy.  But, that's kind of the effect that love has... It makes you do crazy things.

Love though.  Sometimes I wonder about it.  The thing is...  it definitely makes you do things you wouldn't normally do.  That's for sure.  Like I could make ANY statement.  I could say... I'll never do insert thing here:

Enter... Girl.  "Hi.  Would you mind doing that one thing for me that you said you'd never do?"

Me: "Yes.  Absolutely."

That's the power of love.  It's a dangerous thing.  Yet a curious thing too.

This means, supposing that I meet another girl with the same spell like power that previous one had...

Or that another one does exist that can take control of my emotions like she could... At any moment in my life going forward, any of the next people I meet... Could be... Love.  Or at least a girl that could grab my heart and thoughts and hold them in the palm of her hand and mold them like clay.  Shaping them as she pleased.  Or like dough.  Cookie dough.  Just taking my heart and playing baker with it.

Well... Until the day that I suddenly cross paths with this mystery woman.  I'll be at home alone playing my guitar eating chocolate and drinking red wine.  And speaking of cookies and dough and molding things... maybe I'll get some heart shaped cookies and bake them.  So a happy Valentine's Day to all the people lucky enough to have someone molding their little hearts and a happy Singletine's Day to those of us at home alone wondering, waiting, hoping, wishing, while we mold dough into the shape of hearts and then snap them in half after we cook them and then chew on the bits and pieces of our lonely hearts.

 

 

Story Status-ing

So Friday night I was at yoga and they were having a special class after my usual Friday class.  It was called The Monthly Mystic Moon Workshop.  For some reason during class I couldn't stop repeating the words Monthly Mystic Moon.  I guess it just has a ring to it.

Anyways... So I decided to write a little one page story thing to it after yoga... I posted it on my Facebook in chunks of status updates.  I'll probably keep going with it.  Or maybe not.  I don't know yet.  It's a LOT easier to story status than it is to story tweet that's for sure.  But I think the story that I came up with for the Monthly Mystic Moon thing could have some potential to it...

I've been trying to keep going with my story tweet story that I've got going on twitter.  It's just not that same though....

When I say that... I mean... someone that I used to know used to read the previously posted twitter stories (and all my twitter updates) and... I don't know.  It was easier to write knowing that she read it.  Now I have no idea if she still does.  She probably doesn't.  She probably doesn't care.  She's probably all about other new things and other new people in her life and probably doesn't even think of me at all.  Heck, it's been forever and a day anyways.  I really don't understand why she's still on my mind so much... But she still is.  Oh well.  Haha, yeah, obviously I still think about her or I wouldn't be writing this.  She was definitely just one of the coolest, most interesting, most beautiful, most talented, funniest of people I've ever met so far in this lifetime of mine and so much more awesomeness than I could put into words right about now, I really could go on forever and a day talking about that girl...

But...

Well anyways, I digress... back to what I was posting about... So, I mean I know where I want to go with my social media stories... I'm just not SUPER motivated to post.  I've also been busy with things in life... But, like I said, it was easier to post knowing I had a regular reader.  That one and only regular reader.

Hmmm... Oh so, this past Saturday I had a thought... I might actually make a story page.  I think it could be a neat idea to try and get a readership of stories.  Maybe go back to using my personal Twitter and Facebook how they are probably supposed to be used... and move my stories to a fan page.  Then people can just like my page if they want to follow the stories.  Maybe I could have people interact with the stories and suggest where they think the story should go, kind of like a choose your own adventure if anyone remembers those books.  They were probably my most favorite books as a kid.  I loved those.

So if I do decide to create a social media story fan page I'll definitely start posting all my stories there instead of on Twitter or my regular Facebook.  Maybe I can pick up fans on a Facebook story page and get a regular readership there of my stories.  Maybe it could turn into something more from there and really take off... Or it could just become a small group of people reading my stories on a Facebook fan page and never go anywhere.  I'd be fine with that too.

Here's to big things in the future... Or small things.  Or anything... As long as there's things.  So, look for a story page at some point in the future.  Or don't look.  Since no on really reads this anyways.  I feel like this blog is similar to me standing in my kitchen talking to my cats.  They just look at me as I talk to them and then when I finish they walk up to me because they want to get pet but they could care less about what I actually had to say.  Eh, sometimes it just feels good to talk... Or type... even if no one is paying any attention.

More Balancing of Budgeting

It's getting very tricky to not spend more than I make these days.  I'm determined to do it though.  One of the ways I'm doing it is by trying to cut down my food budget.

I've gotten really into super low cost eats.  Now, I'm trying to stay relatively healthy while keeping my food items at a minimal expense.  One of the ways this is possible is by choosing nutrient rich foods that pack a lot of punch but cost less money per calorie.

Tofu is one of these foods.  Rice, and grains.  Noodles.  Tortillas. Beans.  Etc. etc.

Lately my cats have really been zapping my expenses.  So far a quarter of my paycheck every month has gone to at least one of them for some kind of vet thing or another.  My mom wasn't able to really take the cats to the vet when she was sick so I'm kind of making up for lost vet appointments.  The next one is at the end of this month and then that will be it for cat vets for a while... Hopefully.  But it's ok because I love them and they're worth every penny.

Somehow I have to pay the tax bill by the end of next month.  My plan is to try and trade up enough money through stocks to cover that bill through trades.

So, ok, I don't REALLY have to balance my budgets... I could technically go for a while spending in excess of twice my monthly income and still be completely fine.  But, to me, that's a bad way to live.  Digging into savings reserves is just not responsible in my opinion.  I always want to be making more money than I'm spending.  Every single month.  For the rest of my life.  I just want to die with a whole big pile of cash in the bank and then have people fight over it for decades.  I feel like that's the way you're supposed to do it.  Not leave your heirs with like 50 bucks and a million dollars of debt.  You should just leave a whole mountain of cash for the next generation.  I mean, to each their own.  But I want a mountain of cash and like almost no physical belongings to my name.

Or at least... A mountain of cash and a modest amount of things.

Ok, maybe that's a bit much.  But here's my general rule of thumb... I feel like you should have twice the amount of gold in your vault that you have in physical things.  So what I do is tally up the brand new replacement value worth of everything you own.... You should have twice that in cash.  Now that amount is minus your debt.  So if you have let's say 100 thousand dollars of physical things that you own, if you were to replace everything brand new from scratch... You should have 200 thousand dollars in the bank in cash.  If you have 20 thousand dollars in debt, that would count as a physical item.  So you'd now need 240k in the bank... Because you have 100k in physical things plus 20k in debt which counts as a physical thing.

Again, anyone can live how they please... but that's my goal.  To have twice the cash in the bank of what I physically own at brand new replacement value for everything I own.  I'm calling it the tip of the iceberg financial plan.  What you see of my physical belongings... house/car/things I own... etc. etc.  That's just the tip of the iceberg of my true net worth.  The rest is in investments of various kinds and in cash.

I feel like I'm pretty much the reverse lifestyle of everyone else on the planet that I know.  Well, not everyone I know... but a good amount of people I know.  Tip of the iceberg for mostly everyone is... Physical items they own are the tip of the iceberg... 10 bucks to their name in the bank living paycheck to paycheck...  And twice the amount of physical items value in debt up to their eyeballs.

Again... To each their own.  I'd rather own everything paid in full and also know I have copious amounts of cash in the bank to replace any one of those items should they unexpectedly fail, and they surely will because everything eventually fails.  I don't want to have to figure out a way to finance something that I need...

One of the things that really gets me is when people book vacations while they have debt.  Do what you want... but if you've booked a cruise... And you have a 10 thousand dollar balance already on your credit card... I feel like you should definitely reconsider that.  Maybe just visit the spa for a rub down once a month instead.  Unless you got some ASTRONOMICAL deal on that cruise that you just COULDN'T pass up... really though?  Save your money and pay down some of your debt.

I know... it sucks.  But trust me.  It really is a good idea!

Soo every month, I try to save money and just keep socking money away.  Spend less, save more.  Always saving.  Month after month.  Year after year.  You can never save too much is my motto.  You never know what kind of things life will throw at you.

Anyways, back to saving money... My other plan is to just basically stay home a lot more and try to figure out other things to cut out that cost money.  I'm already not going out anymore to write, I just stay at home and work on books and music here.  I haven't had a lot of time to work on those things lately because I've just had lots of estate things to do for my mom's estate.  But as I start to finish those things I'll be able to dedicate more time to working on books and music again.

Which is fine by me, because being creative at home helps to balance budgets a ton.

So back to the food things... One of my favorite budget friendly things in the food department is souping it up for lunch...

Now I love these little soups that you buy and then put into a container with hot water and bam... Instant lunch.  The problem?  Most of them are super salty.  They are also just not nutritional at all.  The solution?  Thai Kitchen rice noodles.  Most of the other soups... Especially the Ramen noodle ones are SUPER terrible for you.  Ok, so maybe the Thai Kitchen ones aren't fantastic for you... but they only run about 20 percent of your daily sodium value as opposed to like 80 percent for ramen noodles.

These are the noodles I'm talking about:

http://www.thaikitchen.com/Products/Instant-Rice-Noodle-Soups

They generally run about a dollar or maybe a dollar and a quarter or so.  Just eating these noodles alone though doesn't really fill me up.  SO I add other stuff...

What else?  Well... What I do to add to the nutrition value is I buy frozen mixed veggies.  They contain no additional salts or additives.  Just bagged (preferably organic) frozen mixed veggies.  I toss those in the soup after I add hot water.  Let it sit with the lid on in my Pyrex container and then presto.  I also like to add some kind of additional protein.  One thing you can do is cook up some chicken in a crock pot and then freeze small amounts of it.  Take out a small bit of frozen chicken and add it to your soup.  Or, you can dice up tofu as is and then freeze that with some of the veggies and just take a pre sorted pre frozen container of half veggies and half tofu with you to work.  Add hot water with the veggies, tofu and soup?

There ya go.  And all that is under 2 dollars a meal.  Or you can just microwave it all together.

I like to put the tofu/chicken... Or whatever else I put in it... in hot water first.  You can microwave it if it doesn't cook enough... Then add the noodles and seasoning mix and let it sit for a couple minutes.

Or you could go out for lunch and spend 10 or 15 or 20 bucks going out to eat with your coworkers...

I do this maybe once a month when I work on a Saturday.  It's fun every now and again...

But honestly?  I'm happy to just sit at my desk and work while slurping on my 2 dollar soup knowing that at the end of the month I'll have a nice little bit of extra cash in my pocket to use in case of emergency or in case I have to suddenly replace something or fix something that failed or broke.

So there you have it... Soups are a SOUP-er way to save money.