BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

The Feelings Scale

I feel like the hardest part about dating is A) you care about them B) they care about you.

Ok... So everyone that you currently know now... You didn't know at some point.  You couldn't have cared less what happened to them.  You'd just be a stranger looking in towards the accident and being like... That sucks for that person.  Everyone starts at a 0.  Or maybe... MAYBE a 1.  Just because how can you not care generally about your fellow neighbor?  Your dear neighbor.

But if it's someone you care about that's in an accident.  You say.. Oh my god!  And you are personally worried sick.  You feel the bottom of your stomach drop out.

I mean yes you are concerned for the person you don't know as just a fellow human... But it's not the same as if one of your close friends has something happen to them.  Or a family member or something like that.  A coworker or classmate.  People you've definitely bumped up from a 1 to a higher number.

But if I go downtown and walk around... I can't say any of those people are higher than a 1 on the feeling scale.

That part is really hard when it comes to dating.  Not just caring about them... But getting them to care about you.

What changes?  How does that occur?  What makes those numbers bump up for both people?

I mean some people immediately seem to command a higher number from others just off the bat.  Like for example... Pretty much everyone I know is all like... Tay Swift... She gets a 10.

I don't know about all that.  I'd still give her a 1 or 2 myself.  Honestly? I never got on the Taylor Swift bandwagon.  She's ok fine... But I'm not sold.  I'll say that to her face too.  I don't care.  I don't think she's worth the amount of money people pay for her tickets for her shows.  She's got an OK voice but it's not AMAZING.  She's no Joni Mitchell.

I'll give her a 1.5 on the feelings scale.

But I'm not dating Taylor Swift... So back to my point...

Like for example I'm chatting with a few girls on the site.  If they suddenly told me they decided to go date another guy.  I wouldn't be jealous at all.  I don't care really.

Or if they told me that they were in an accident... Actually one of them a couple weeks ago was in an accident.  I asked if she was ok and she said yea... It was just a fender bender.  I wasn't like over the top distraught.  I was just like oh... That sucks.  But had no real genuine concern other than "Well let me know if there's anything I can do".  That convo eventually fizzled out because she had too much on her plate to date.

But for the jealous part... Ok there are other girls that I know in real life that are single... and if they tell me they made out with a guy or something.  I could care less.  Like my one friend Jess that I've known for EVER.  Whenever she tells me about a guy she's dating, I don't care.  I'm just like that's great!  And then when it doesn't work I'm like awwww that sucks.  She's a good friend.  I'll place her as a 4 on the feels scale.

Ok but back to the dating thing.  So, there's the first message.  This is SUPER hard because... Most of the time they won't respond.  Guys rarely get first messages.  It's just not something that happens in online dating.  Same for bars I guess.  Girls just don't make the first move.  It's a cultural thing I imagine.  I feel as though girls have been taught to sit and wait for a guy to come to them.  Not that anyone TOLD them to do this exactly... But just over the years growing up from little kids onwards... The guys tend to be more of the ones to hit on the girls.  So they just learn it from experience.

It's like if you grow up in New Jersey but then you suddenly move to PA... You'll sit there in your car at the pump wondering why no one is helping you.

Maybe in the dating world there's a place that's like pumping gas is for dating.  Maybe there's a state where the girls are totally all about hitting on guys.  Instead of sitting there in the car waiting for the guy to come up to them to pump their gas.

That sounds... Sexual.

Guy: "Hey baby... Can I pump your gas?"

Girl: "No... I pump my own gas thank you.  How about you let me pump your gas some time though?"

Guy: "Well... Sure I guess.  That's... Not normally how it works... But... Well okay.  If you insist."

Anyways...

I WISH girls made the first move.  We need to change society so that it's more where people make first moves if they feel like it.

I feel like this is why I end up dating resident assistants... Because they tend to be more type A take initiative type of people so they probably end up hitting on me and asking me on a date and then I'm like ok.

It's not that I don't like taking the initiative.  My problem is... I don't like being unwelcome.  I don't want to talk to a girl in a bar that isn't interested.  I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.  I get all apologetic.  I feel bad for making her feel bad.

This is why we all need to carry around a paper card that has green on one side and red on the other.  We hold it up as we go around and if you're holding up a green and they hold a red, you don't even talk to them.  If they hold up a green to your green....

Then you start a converstation.

Also they need relationship rings.  SO that I know which girls are not only married but also in relationships so I can hit on only the single ones.  Or just make single rings.  So that way I KNOW which girls are single and are interested in having a guy talk to them.

Or they should just make a special hat or shirt that you wear out to the bar... If you aren't wearing that... No guy is allowed to talk to you unless you have the hat on.

It's the... I'm single and wish to be hit on hat.

If I don't have a hat on... NO ONE... should hit on me.

And guys should respect that.

I like the card idea though.

So maybe there's a response, regardless of who made the first move.  Like I said 95 percent of the time.... There won't be a response.  Most people just aren't mutually interested.  And why should they be?  Who the heck is this person and why should I give you the time of day?

I hate that though.  I wish more people talked to strangers.  Maybe it's a Philadelphia thing.  Maybe other places people just talk to people they don't know and are more open to getting to know people just to be nice.

The problems start when you start talking.  I feel like each person is looking for a reason NOT to continue to get to know this person.

We should just walk up to one another and give each other a check box list and have them fill it out and then score them based on the list.  If they pass the list... Then we start talking.

But then all the people I know that are actually married... Most of them have NOTHING in common.  They all say "Oh they weren't even my type.  I HATED them when we first met."

But now they're married.

In the dating thing though there are so many things that can go wrong.  If they find out something about you they don't like.

-If they are only into guys over 6 feet and they notice that you're not 6 feet.

-If they only like a specific religion.

-How they are registered to vote.

-What's their favorite type of chocolate?  Milk or dark?

-Mountains or beach?

-Red wine or white wine?

All these deal breakers.

But here's what's interesting... All those "deal breakers" are out the window... Once the feelings start for someone.

They could be not in your optimal height (I used to prefer a girl be shorter than me until I met a girl that was 5'9" that totally blew my mind, now I'm just like whatever.  Also she smoked cigarettes which was a total deal breaker... but it didn't matter once I was hooked on her love spell.  I know right?  So now I don't have any deal breakers... because of that girl.).  They could have beliefs that don't match up.  Anything really... But you have this weird strange... feeling inside of you.  You just can't shake it.  You can't stop thinking about them.

Why?

They don't have ANY of the ideal compatibilities you desire in someone that you'd eventually like to end up with.  But yet... what is it about this person?

They don't even like the same music you do.  You're a democrat, they're a republican.  What the heck...

Nothing makes sense.

BAM.

You're in love.  Suddenly if something happened to this person you'd be devastated.

They are totally NOT perfect at all... But to you... That one person becomes the most perfect person in the world.  And there's absolutely no logic behind it at all.  They are just so...

Heart melting... Weak at the knees.  They make you gush.  You just walk to talk to them 24/7 and be around them 24/7.

That whole part makes no sense to me.

Because of all the girls I do talk to on the dating site... The ones that continue talking enough to get to a coffee date... And then enough to meet a few more times.  Or even make it to a first kiss... Are never the ones that I was hoping to hear back from initially.  It's mostly... Oh I got another message from this person.  And then I reply just to reply because... Eh.  No one else is replying to messages.

That's what is happening right now with one girl that I've started texting with.  I mean she seems nice, but I don't have any long  term interested in her as far as ... "She's the one and I want to marry her".  I'll get coffee with her just because... What have I got to lose?  But if we stopped talking tomorrow.  I wouldn't care.

I wouldn't sit there googling all her social media to see what she's posting and what she's up to and keep tabs on her because I miss the crap out of her.  I'd just move on.

But who knows?  Maybe after I grab coffee with her there will be something she says or does that will hook me.  I don't know?  It's possible.

Someone once told me you should give someone until at least the first kiss.  Then decide from there.  Now, there are people you are just NOT attracted to at all.  And even a first kiss isn't going to help anything.

But I'll certainly grab coffee with this girl.  She's not mean or anything.  But if someone would ask me to rate how much feeling I have for her on a scale of 1-10... I'd have it at a 1.

And before you go saying "That's mean!" remember that Taylor Swift only gets a 1.5 from me on the feelings scale.

There's another girl that I got coffee with a few weeks ago that I'm supposed to grab a beer with.  Yes, I date multiple people at the same time.  I'm pretty sure everyone does.

Here's my deal, I feel like you have to go on at least a half dozen dates to consider the person more exclusive.

Or you have to have at least a 5 on the feelings scale.

Right now... The girl that I met for coffee and am going to meet for a beer is a 2.  Why did she move up from a 1 to a 2?  Because every few days I'll get a bump from her into my thoughts and then I'll feel like texting her and be like hey... How goes?  And then when she does send me a text I get slightly excited.  Not excited... really... But... I don't know, I enjoy seeing a text from her.  Versus some people that text me I'm just like...

"I'll answer that one later."

And then it's like a chore to respond to them.

I wasn't over the top gushy about this girl that I'm going to meet for a beer.  We'll call her J because it's the first initial of her first name.

But... I don't know. I'm intrigued.  Let's put it that way.  She might be first kiss material.

Anyways, the down side of J is that she lives in the city.  The upside is that she's in med school.  And she only lives in the city because she's going to med school.

I like her laugh too.  She seems nice.

So... Hey... I'll grab a beer and see how that goes.  Maybe after a beer we'll hit 3 on the feelings scale.

Who knows.  Maybe I'm still only a 1 to her.  Maybe after the beer she'll bump me down to a 1 or a 0.  And after the beer I'll bump her to a 4.  That's the way dating works.

Everyone is taking everyone else up and down number scales and when you get two people that get to a 5 or even all the way to a 10 each...

They're all just bumping numbers.  Or bumping uglies.  I guess some people don't give a crap about the  number scale and they just bump anyone they can.

Thats not dating though.  That's just... Fooling around.  Or like I said... Bumping uglies.  Which is one way to get into a relationship.  You just start having sex and can't stop.  Or you don't feel like finding someone new so you then just start with all the other romantic stuff even though all you REALLY want is sex.  It's like paying a toll.

All you want to do is get over to NJ to have your gas pumped for you.  But you have to pay the toll on the way back.

That's how you get a relationship.  Ether by numbers... Or you just want your gas pumped.  Obviously it has to stay up there.  The number... has to stay up there.  So if both people are at a 10.... And someone lies or cheats.

That drops the number down.

Maybe it drops it down far enough to be a 1 or 0.  Or into the negative digits territory.

That's when you get break ups and divorces.

It's all about the feeling scale.

Like if I met Rebel Wilson in person... She'd be an immediate 10.  Because she's freakin' Rebel Wilson and she's funny as hell.  But if we started dating and she cheated on me with like Leonardo DiCaprio... Then she's be down at a 0.  Because I could never trust her.

So right now...

The most I have is a 2.

I just feel like... I'm never going to have someone new that I'll meet in the future become significant in my life though.  I mean... Not like I had in years past.  I can't imagine anyone making my heart feel the way that a girl of my past had made it feel.

I meet lots of great new people and they are fine and dandy and nice.  But... I don't know.  They hover in the low 2 and 3 range.  I can't get anyone to make my heart boost up to a 4 or 5.  Let alone anything above a 5.  I feel like 5 is...

"I'm seeing this person and I'm really excited about them."

To me that's a 5.  Then 6 is... Officially in a relationship and actually excited about this one.

But some how someone that I don't even know will go from a

0 - "Excuse me?  Is this seat taken?  Do you mind if I sit next to you?"

To... a

10 - "This is the best day of my life.  I can't believe we get married today!  And who'd of thought on that day when I sat next to you... We'd end up like this?  Wow."

How?   Really?  I guess.

I just feel defeated at the moment when it comes to dating... because I've had so many duds and fizzles and nothing that seems to climb in the feelings scale beyond a very low number.  Not just on my end, but on hers too.

Because... As the saying goes... it takes two to tango.  Or should I say, it takes two to Ten-go.