BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

There Has To Be A Catch

Alright, so... I'm painfully single.  It's probably my own fault for not just kind of going with someone even though I don't really have much in the way of feelings or interest for her.  The med student girl would have been this girl... I liked her.  Johanna was her name.  I suppose I liked her a lot.  But she didn't pass the ex girlfriend wedding crash first date future wedding scene scenario.  So... I ended it.  When I probably shouldn't have.  I mean... I guess I have this silly idea that you should have that moment midway through the date where you stop and go... I want to see more of this person.  Even though I'm still on the first date.

I've felt this before.  So, I know that it exists.

It's like that moment for girls when they start twirling their hair.  They realize that this guy is a keeper.  They think to themselves... Okay there has to be a catch... Could this guy be a catch?  Or is he a creeper with a catch?

I feel like I want to really feel genuinely about a girl.  That she's a catch.  I mean yes, I'm sure there are couples out there that just decide to forgo those feelings.  I just can't bring myself to do that yet.  Maybe it's because... I've felt it before, you know?

Maybe it's because in my past... I had someone that every word out of her mouth made me go... Yes, tell me more.  I'm hooked on your brand and I want more of you.

And each thing she said made me go... Oh snap!  I'm digging that TOO.  You basically haven't said anything that I don't find cute or attractive, or to be my style.

I know, it's rare.  I mean... More than likely I'll keep doing this dating thing another year or two and then when I'm 35 probably I'll just basically be hanging out with some friend of mine and she'll hint that she likes me and I'll think to myself I REALLY don't want to date anymore...

And I'll just go with her.  That makes me sad though!  I don't know.  Maybe it's not sad.  Maybe that's love for some people.  Maybe some people get that storybook ending where they get to post a photo of their engagement ring on their finger to Facebook and they get to be excited about it and they love their life and they pinch themselves and think...

There has to be a catch.  This can't really be my life!  I can't love my job, my apartment, and my now fiancé.  HOW did this happen?

I want that.  Well in that scenario it's a girl swooning about a boy.  But in my scenario I would have just proposed to a girl that I'm madly in love with.  And I'll have a status on my Facebook that says something like...

"SHE SAID YES!"

and all of my friends will like that status and comment congrats and SO happy for the two of you!

I mean... How can you get that scenario when you just decide to date someone that you don't actually find all that attractive?  And when I say attractive I'm not really just talking about physically.  Yes, fine physical is nice... Although to be honest my physical isn't the norm... I generally date girls that are like a size 10 or 14 ish.  I don't know... I've always found that more attractive.

Curvy or whatever you want to call it.  Not to say I don't find a petite size attractive.  One of my mom's nurses in the ICU was super cute.  I definitely had a crush on her, she was tiny.  She gave me a hug one night as I was leaving and I don't know... I probably wanted to ask her for her number, but knew it wasn't the time nor place nor mental state of mind to ask for such a thing.

But then in the coffee shop the other day there was a girl that was probably more like a size 16 or possibly 18 that I was just like wow.  She's SOOOO cute.

So physically it doesn't matter.  And even cute is relative.  I mean, I'm a sucker for those green eyes.  Native American lineage with green eyes?  That's actually sucked me in twice.  One girl in college and then that one girl in 2010 that just really caught my heart completely off guard and I've never been the same ever since I met her... Or whatever, but it doesn't matter.  She can look nerdy...  Or even dolled up with lots of make up.

I mean to me?  It's mostly about their personality and what's between the ears.  SMARTS do it for me.  And not just smarts but unique quirky personalities.  Funny.  North Jersey girls always seem to strike me and capture my attention.  I think it's because people that move to NYC possibly hoping to get into acting have that outgoing sense of humor personality... They never make it in acting but they move to North Jersey to get out of the city once they want to settle down and have kids and families.

Then... Those kids grow up... That's why people in North Jersey or from there have super funny interesting cool personalities.  Maybe not.  Thats just a personal theory and probably completely wrong.

Anyone that knows me knows I'm so full of crap most of the time and I make sweeping generalized blanket statements that are often offensive...

Because I'm a stupid boy.  This is what drove away one of the most amazing girls I've ever met that just really completely made me fall head over heels.  She had me soooo hard.  Eh, who am I kidding, if she showed up at my door tomorrow I'd be like... Hi.  Yes.  I can't say no to you.  Ever.

Seriously, she could show up at my wedding in the future and I'd be like... "Stop the wedding.  I have to go talk to that girl over there."

And the bride would be like "But we're in the middle of the vows--"

"Yeah, I know, I'll be right back."

I know.... I'm an ass.  But it's her!  I can't just... NOT go say hello.  Plus if she did crash my wedding she knows what she's doing.  She  wants me to come over and say hello.  She's doing it on purpose.  No one crashes their exes wedding in THAT dress and hair and make up and nails and shoes... THOSE SHOES! WOW.  I can't.  I just can't.

Sorry you guys out there can't see this fictional scenario.  But in my head, you should see this dress and these shoes she's wearing.  Everyone at the wedding has already turned their heads to look at this stunningly beautiful fashionably late guest.

As I was saying... I just want to have that kind of first date.  I want to have a first date that leads to a wedding where I wouldn't even look up or break eye contact with the girl I'm standing before to look at my ex walking down the aisle like she owns the place.

Guests turning their heads one by one wondering who this person is.  Every click of her high heel as she walks down the aisle towards an empty seat.

I don't even look.  I know she's there and I don't even look because I'm concentrated on this one in front of me and thinking about that first date when we both started to twirl our hair midway through the date because we were thinking HOLD everything... This one might be a keeper.

Well she was twirling her hair, I was just kind of... Nervously laughing hoping that she'd be interested in a second date.

But instead every first date I go on, I think about that one first date that I DID feel that.

Sigh.  And I think to myself that if we ever made it to a wedding... I'd be looking around hoping for my ex to walk in and give me an excuse to walk out.  And when she didn't show.  When they asked "And do you Kenny take...."

I'd hesitate.  In my head, I'd say... I guess.  It's not like there's anyone else.

And that just makes me sad.  Because what if she's thinking YES YES YES in her head.

I feel bad RIGHT NOW even thinking about that fictional future day.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I don't know what to do anymore with dating.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know at all.

I'd rather just stay single than to falsely ever have to utter the words "I love you" to a girl... And not truly mean them.  Not mean them completely without a doubt in my mind.  With out saying.... "I love you, but..."

and then wanting to check my phone to hope there's a text from HER, that ex that I secretly wished it could have worked out with so long ago, saying... Hey, I just broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn't stop thinking about you and... I want to see you.

Which she would NEVER in a million years ever text me something like that.  I'm fairly certain of that because my feelings for her aren't mutual and she never fell in love with me like I did for her.

In the case of that one girl that I just couldn't get enough of on that first date and I didn't want the first date to ever end... She was thinking of another guy the whole time.  She was hoping he would text her.

In her future scenario... at our future wedding in her mind on that first date...

She was hoping her ex would wedding crash our vows.

I don't know.  But maybe everyone is secretly hoping their ex would wedding crash their vows on that first date future wedding scene.

Everyone does a first date future wedding right?  It's not just me that does this right?

Maybe that's my problem.  Maybe I need to stop visualizing a first date future wedding scene half way through my first dates.

Well anyways.  I don't know.  I'm just going to end it on that.  I don't know anymore.  Dating just confuses me.  Love confuses me.

And I don't know WHY I fell so hard for that one girl... But damn, I did.  On that first date future wedding scene... I was saying YES so hard during the vows scene... and I wasn't even paying any attention to my ex walking up the aisle calling my name trying to distract me from her.

She passed the first date future wedding scenario ex crashes the wedding vows test with flying colors.

I just want to meet someone like that again.  Someone that passes that test.

There has to be a catch out there somewhere.  A catch, that doesn't have a catch.  And I can be her keeper not become some ex-boyfriend that's now just a creeper.