BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

It’s The Little Things

It's just strange how little things will make my cry.  Like... I'll drive by a parked Jeep that's a similar model and color of my mom's Jeep.  Or I'll just be in the grocery store and see something that my mom always had me pick up for her.

Sometimes one of the cats will just do something, or meow in a way that makes me tear up.  I guess that's how these things go.  I definitely miss her a lot.  It's strange having her gone.  Working through all her estate stuff has actually been easy I guess... Emotionally I mean.  Just because it feels like I'm still doing something for her or helping her in a way.

Getting rid of stuff is hard.  Like, I threw out some medical supplies that she still had around from her hip replacement when I was cleaning out the room next to mine to make it into my little office/creative area of sorts.

It's just a mix of different feelings about life in general.  Kind of a confusion.  Or a fear.  The fear part is kind of like... Hard to explain but you know how there's that... "Oh well, if things don't work out in life I can always just move back home" outlook that most younger people have... "I'll move to NYC or LA or insert fun new place to move to, if I run into trouble, I'll just call mom and dad, or just move back home".

But when you are now "back home"... It just changes.  There's no safety net, so to speak.  My drive in life now isn't fun new adventure... My drive now is... hoard cash.  Be vigilant of costly home repairs.... Don't venture out too often in case of some kind of event that might render me unable to work or take care of the house or cats.

Basically my risk tolerance level is zero now.  Even though it was already low before when my mom was still alive but not doing all that great... And I still have other friends and people I can call, like family friends or what have you... There's a good amount of people in the area.  And there's always my brother or sister or dad.  Although my sister and dad live kind of far away and aren't very local by a good 5 hours but still...

It's mostly just a feeling.  Like empty space.  It probably doesn't make sense to most people.  But all I want to do anymore is just stay close to home and constantly check my financials.  Budget like a fiend.  Try to predict future costs.  Just work on my creative endeavors, which I haven't had much time for but I'm starting to get more time.

I just sent the EZ Pass tag back.  So now everything with the car is completed.  Mark another thing off of my excel check list.  Even that made me cry a little.  And then after that I went to the pet store to get more cat food and I can hear my mom saying things that she would say.

So yeah.  It's definitely different.  And it's funny because I often thought once she passed I'd just be like... Oh, I'll just travel the world and sell all the stuff.  But it's the exact opposite really.  I just want to maintain and go do all the things I used to do while she was alive.  Today I went for a run in Valley Forge Park after dropping the EZ Pass off at the post office and then the pet store.

The more things stayed the same in the past the more I wanted them to change... But the more they change in the future the more I kind of want them to stay the same.  Which doesn't really make sense.  I mean I like change.... I definitely one day want to hit up this bucket list of life goals that I have and even possibly sell the house here and move somewhere new.  I'd love to eventually change careers from the IT computer support thing and try my hand at making music happen on a more professional level, or the writing books thing... Or acting.  I've always secretly thought it would be fun to act in movies.  I definitely enjoy the trading bit too.  That's slow going but I'm actually up over 500 bucks for the year so far.  Not a get rich quick type of thing, but it's slow and steady.  It's a nice safety blanket of extra income as well.

Although I like higher education IT.  I've done that for 10 years now, so I mean it's old hat.  Knowing that I'll have a paycheck deposited into my bank account every month at the end of the month is comforting.  Knowing that I have full health, vision, dental... Etc.  That's hard to beat.  Knowing that I have a retirement account that gets matched by my employer.  Also hard to beat.  Knowing that I have the same 9-5 work day when most IT people work strange round the clock shifts or 60+ work weeks, or maybe that's just a handful of friends of mine that work strange hours and 60+ work weeks and that isn't the norm for IT.  I feel like a standard 9-5 shift isn't the norm for most IT departments though...

It's a bit like that "I can always move home" feeling.  And then at the end of the work day, or on my weekends, or on my many longer breaks that the higher ed realm offers... Where most corporate IT friends of mine end up doing computer system upgrades at midnight over the weekends or they will work christmas day because no one else is working that day and it's the perfect time to swap out equipment and servers and upgrade...

We just don't do that stuff.  Never have.  I can't say never will because who knows... but it's again, it's that home feeling.  It's the not wanting to be all risky and quit my job and move out to LA to try and be an actor, or move to NYC to try to be a musician.  Instead on weekends/breaks I can just 9-5 and go to an open mic in the evening, record music, write books.

Right now I can do my creative things and I know that I still have that monthly paycheck... Although I don't get paid a ton but with my strict budgeting I make it work (I mean, I have savings too, so I won't run out of money... and it's not like there isn't going to be more money available from my mom's estate and grandparents trust and what not, I just always like to see balances increasing and not decreasing month over month... You know... Safety net... Move back home feeling... Rainy day fund... Want to sleep well at night knowing that I don't have to worry if something breaks type of feeling...).  I have this house.  I have these cats.  I can make stock trades at work between fixing broken printers, or configuring network switching equipment or making new email accounts.

It's a bit like having cake and eating it too.  And I'm all about cake, or dessert in general... Like my mom was.  See... there's another little thing.  Just made me tear up.  Damn it.  My mom was all about dessert though.  She enjoyed her sweets.  Haha yeah.  Last summer she had me come down one day just to bring her a milkshake because she had a "craving".  Always with the cravings.  A craving for Outback.  I can't tell you how many times I stopped at the curbside pick up for her.  Well anyways...

So yeah.  I just feel strange these days.  I just want to build up a moat around my house and make a little draw bridge and peer down from the tower at anyone that tries to enter and ask them what they want before I let the drawbridge down.  I just don't much care to venture off into the forest or uncharted territory on a horse with a sword in hand.

I just want to make french pressed coffee on the weekends and stay in my PJs and work on things around the house and try not to cry too much when I move something of my moms to a new place or put it in a box and put it in the basement or throw out something or add to the pile of things to donate.  I want to have the option to move back home, but it's up to me to keep the home... Homely... So I can move back to it.... Even though I already live here.  Something like that.