BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

An Open Letter To 0202

Dear 0202,

So... I guess... Well ok how do I start this, our last text communication was that you wanted me to consider you part of my past.  While it was really hard to read that and take it in, I decided that ok, yes, I want to respect your wishes.  I respect you a lot, but I'm just, confused... I don't know what I am, I'm a tangle of thoughts that I can't sort out...

Ok, straight up...

I think about you ALL the time.  I mean ALL the time.  And I try to stop.  I try to say to myself, ok, Kenny... these feelings aren't mutual.  I try to, as you once told me to look at the facts that we barely dated all of two weeks five years ago.  I try to say to myself that the communication we have had has been sometimes texting, or maybe we friend on Facebook or Twitter or maybe we share an email or two... but then there's gaps that go between.  And you make it clear to me that you don't have romantic feelings for me...

I do believe that you did want a friendship, but I usually mess up us being friends by ending up saying something romantic in nature.  I'm sorry.  Honestly I am.  I don't mean to... but God, seriously, I'm crazy about you.  And it frustrates me to no end. I'm mad about you, and I can't get you.  I haven't seen you in person in many years...  I try not to think about you, it doesn't work.  I try to stop reading your various online social media stuff...

But I keep coming back to it.  I've followed you for so long that... I don't know.  I care about you so damn much.  It's just weird.  To worry, and care, and wonder about someone so much that isn't in my life anymore...

While I do sometimes take breaks, because I'll debate if I should even be following your stuff, I don't want to do something that might upset you.  That's always been the last thing I ever wanted to do.  I hate myself when I upset you.  I hate that I do or say the wrong thing and it sucks that we couldn't have remained friends...

I often just, get curious.  I wonder.  I'm hoping you're doing ok.  Job, living situation, life... Friends, family... Love.

It's silly really, or maybe it's just crazy of me, but there's a John Mayer song lyric where he says

"So I'll check the weather wherever you are
'Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right"

When I take breaks, I check the weather where you are.  I even kind of follow hurricane season to hope that there's no big storm headed your way.  When the latest tropical storm came through I was tracking it and just hoping that it would veer off to a different direction, or dissipate.

And I find myself thinking sometimes... What is wrong with me?

The other day I see a post about a coffee date... and I think to myself ok... so she went on a date... fine.  I'm fine with that.  Good.  I'm glad that she might have found a great guy because the post before that and the one before that were hinting that things weren't going so well.  So I was concerned and sad about those.  But, then I started to feel a hint of jealousy about the coffee date one.  So I think to myself...

I just need to stop... take a break for a while.  This isn't good.  This isn't fair to her.  I need to not read your posts or look at your Instagram or whatever.  Go back to checking the weather.

But then I get a follow back on my Twitter from your work social media Twitter account... and so I decide I'll peek once more when I get a chance.  I read into it and start to think... ok?  I mean... maybe the coffee date went south and was really bad.  Or maybe it was just a friend coffee date and not a romantic one?  You looked REALLY amazing and beautiful for just a friend date though...

So then I scroll through my Instagram and then I see a post that looks like maybe a dinner date of take out of some sort and the caption talks about him being a keeper...  those words... Him being a keeper...

It just made my insides turn.  Jealousy.  But it's illogical jealousy.  I don't have you.  You're not my girlfriend.  We don't talk.  I... I don't even know... But I can't help but feel like a knife twisting through my heart and stomach.  I stayed up late into the night and just thought about it (and even got slightly teary eyed just thinking and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to make of this) and decided I need to REALLY try to stop thinking about you.  That's great that you're dating someone if you are.  He's sooo lucky to be with you.

But... I wish you knew what I feel about you.  I wish you knew.  I mean... I don't know?  I don't know.  I really don't.  I'm thinking, maybe it was a new person that you hired to manage the social media and it's just a coincidence that they followed me back on Twitter when you posted that.  Then I'm thinking you want me to see that?

You want me to know that you're dating someone.  So I can move on I guess?  I'm trying.  I mean... I've moved on romantically.  But, you just linger in my head and my heart.  Like staring at a brilliant light and then closing your eyes.  The silhouette is still there.  But I think why would you WANT me to know?  I'd eventually see photos that you'd post and figure it out.  Even if it hurts.  It hurts so bad.  But I'm frustrated with myself because... We dated 5 years ago for a couple weeks.

But I guess... I mean if you want me to know... ok.  I understand.  I get that.

Why do I care about you so much?  I keep asking myself that.  Finally in the middle of the night I just say that I need to really try and just stop thinking about you.  I removed all of your and your work's social media and your sister and Linked In and anything else I could think of.  That was tough.  REALLY tough.  I forced you and the keeper... to the very back of my mind.  I locked my tweets...

Be strong I said.

Less than 24 hours I unlocked my tweets.

I'm trying not to think about you.  But I'm still thinking about you same as always.

Today I get a favorite tweet notification to my phone.  I don't recognize the person, but I see that you're Twitter friends.  Then I recognize the sn is the same as one of your friends on Instagram.

I think to myself...

What do you want from me?  What does this mean?  Did you know your friend did that?  Did you ask her to?  My heart and head is a wreck.  I don't understand what you want from me.  If you are dating someone are you trying to make it a point to show me that?

Or...

Do you want contact with me?  Do you just want to read my online stuff casually?  Just remind me that you're still there?

My hands are up in the air and tears are streaming down my face.  Do you know how frustrating it is for the girl that I wanted... that I want... so bad.  More than anything in the world... even just to see her again, to hear her voice again... is there... watching the things I put online... And I keep just thinking maybe if I say the right thing?  Maybe if I make her laugh.  Maybe if the next time we start talking things will go right.  But I keep wanting to try and let you go.  But it's hard.  It's so hard when there's a favorite on an Instagram photo like this last winter... and then I decide to text you but you ask why I'm texting... and then we keep talking and we start talking more, for a little while until I become too much contact that you need space, which I hate that I do, but I can't help it...

I want you.  I can't have you.  We try to be friends, but I can't.  It's too hard for me to turn off feelings for you.  I think of you ALL the time.  I'm jealous of anyone you date. I don't know.  I'm just asking you...

What am I supposed to do?  What is it that you want me to do?  If you want me to go away why the favorites or follows?  Maybe I'm just reading into things that aren't there.  And I think to myself maybe I am doing that?

I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I'm two opposite directions of feelings inside of one person.  I want to stop thinking about you, and meet someone and leave you be and let you date and fall in love and be successful and live your life... and maybe one day eventually I could handle a friendship... but if it's been this long and you still make my heart skip a beat every time I get any sort of contact with you... I don't know.

And then at the same time... I want you.  God, I want you.  Madly.  So bad.

I shouldn't be jealous.  I should be logical.  But you affect me in a way that I've never had any other girl on this planet do to me.

I'm stuck.  And it stinks.  It just stinks.  To know the person you are crazy about is there...  but so far.

I think I'm just asking... What do you want from me?  I'm more than willing to be ok with your wishes... But I just don't understand what your wishes are.  I'd give anything to be with you, or just be friends.  Or I'm even ok with you just to read my social media...

But gosh I don't know...

It's so hard to say this... because it's the complete opposite of what I want... but maybe we should stop reading each other's online social media presence?

If you've found someone, it would just make me bitter and jealous to watch another guy go right where I went wrong...

And what would be the point of you reading what I'm up to?  You've got a great life... Why look into the rearview mirror when the view ahead is so nice?  You know?

Still I guess it's comforting to know you're still there even if it's... but a whisper from the past.

But I just don't know if I can do it anymore sometimes.  Because it makes me feel... like I hate myself.

And I just get jealous of you, and I hate myself for that.  Your great job, your promotion after getting the job, your awesome apartment in a tropical location where it never snows and the sun shines all year long...

And now you've got a keeper.  Your life is sounding pretty complete.

But, and this is hard for me to say... It just doesn't make sense for you to look back anymore... does it?  You've got a great life.  And I'm still here stagnant.  I try to make changes but nothing I try seems to pan out...  But you?  I mean... look at you, going leaps and bounds!

It's just... I don't want to say goodbye to you, I never did... but what am I supposed to do?

If you still read my stuff I don't mind.  It's fine, I mean, ugh, I want you to, there I'll admit it.  I feel lost without you reading it.  It's nice to know you still care enough to do that.  But, please can you just not have friends favorite things?  Or follow.  Just watch, but don't contact...

Ok?  If you want me to let you go, you can't do stuff like that.  It's just not fair to me.  It gives me hope.  It makes me think in my mind that there's some small chance that eventually... I could talk to you again, or see you again... or anything again.  So if you want me to let you go...

Don't contact me, just watch.  Ok?

And if maybe you don't, or you ever just need to chat or whatever... I'm here.  You know I'm always here and that door is always slightly ajar for you to open up again if you ever choose to.

-Kenny