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If You Didn’t Know How Old You Were How Old How Old Would You Be?

"If You Didn't Know How Old You Were How Old How Old Would You Be?"

That's a tough question.  Honestly?  I always feel like I'm stuck at 14 or 13.  Or whatever age I was when I had my first kiss.

Amanda.  I don't know her last name. I  WISH I knew your last name Amanda from Camp Mataponi who used to send me letters with stickers all over the pink stationary that I wish I had saved.

I'd so stalk your Twitter and Facebook.  Sigh.  Amanda.  You'll forever be a mystery to me.

I still remember that very night.  We made out to the last song of the night, Stairway to Heaven.  I promptly ran back to the van headed back for Skylemar and told my three best cabin mates... Andrew Skrilow, David Guttman, and Jake George.

Andrew was all smarts.  Glasses.  AP classes.  Total nerd alert.

David was the spitting image of that kid from the Sandlot.  Alan “Yeah-Yeah” McClennan.  He got all the ladies.  Pretty boy.

Jake was your quintessential Boston kid complete with the accent and everything.

Andrew and I are friends on Facebook.  The other two... I haven't a clue where they got off to.

Honestly the most I remember about Amanda was that A) she was a fantastic kisser (although it was my first kiss ever so... I really had nothing to compare it to), and B) she had really neat handwriting.  What more could you ask for in a first kiss though at 13?  Or was I 14?  I don't know... I think it was 13 though.  I just know she was 1 year younger than me and I thought that was weird that we weren't the same age.

The things you worry about when you're young.

Anyways, that quote from the subject came not from Amanda or Camp Mataponi, or Camp Skylemar... It came from...

The Pickering Creek Inn.  I was out tonight A) checking out a karaoke night, and B) doing some writing.

I didn't sing.  I just sat and worked on my book.

Turns out The Pickering Creek Inn has lots of weeknight entertainment.  Monday is a variety show.  I went a few weeks ago and listened to some of the comedy acts.  They were all great.  Tuesday is quizzo, but I already have a quizzo that I go to.  I feel like I'm already in a quizzo relationship and that it would be cheating to go to an alternate quizzo venue.  Wednesday is karaoke night... and Thursday is open mic.

True story, I learned how to properly spell karaoke after this one girl named Alana pointed out that it was the same spelling as her roommate's name.  Kara+ok+e.

Previously I would always misspell it.  Now I never get it wrong.

So I'm at The Pickering Creek Inn doing some writing just thinking about the past and this question... and I'm thinking about all the girls I've kissed since Amanda.

Sometimes I entertain the idea that I already know the girl I'll some day marry.  I think about all my crushes and loves.  I don't know.  I mean... Most of them I haven't a clue what they are up to anymore.  By most of them I mean nearly all of them.

What's strange is The Pickering Creek Inn reminds me of this one girl I've never met.  Sarah G.  She was the roommate of Kara before Alana.  Sarah G. Tweeted at me one time I think.  It was one of those random @ mention things.  Then we started doing the private messaging thing.  Then we swapped emails.  We were supposed to eventually meet up for a beer at the Pickering Creek Inn...

It never happened.  Why?  You know... I can't quite remember why.  It was like 4 or 5 years ago so I don't know exactly.  We just never did.

Insert shoulder shrug.

But every time I end up at The Pickering Creek Inn... I think about Sarah G. and her kayak.  She was super into kayaking.  She could hate kayaking now for all I know.  All I remember about her was that she was all about kayaking and running.

So then I got to thinking... You know, when you think of people from your past... You only think about them when you knew them.  I mean... I don't really think about any of the girls that I've known or any of my past girls that I've kissed as they could be now...

I think of them as they were when I knew them.  The age that they were when I first met them.

For all I know Amanda could have 3 kids and be married by now.  But to me, she's still 13.  Forever locked in that memory in the Camp Mataponi Rec Hall dancing with me to Stairway to Heaven while my friends sit outside on the deck watching the purple buzzing bug zapper fry bugs one by one.

But we all keep aging and changing.  We all keep on slipping into the future.

But we really only know that we're going into the future and getting older because people tell us.  Or we keep track of it.  Or we look in the mirror and just say to ourselves... I used to be so much better looking than this...

So back to that question of... if you didn't know how old you were how old how old would you be?

I guess that depends on if I'm looking into the mirror (feeling old these days)... Or if I'm just looking at a vivid memory from a long time ago with my eyes closed.

I guess whatever age I want to be could be one answer.  But my honest answer is just that... I always feel like an awkward early teen leaning in for that very first kiss.

So I dedicate this blog post to you Amanda something from Camp Mataponi circa early/mid 1990s... My first kiss.  You'll forever be lost and gone forever.  And maybe Sarah G. and her kayak.  And Kara and her roommate for teaching me the proper way to spell karaoke.

And the Pickering Creek Inn for having that quote posted up and inspiring this blog post in the first place.

Speaking of awkward summer camp dances... Now I'm reminded of another girl I never actually kissed, but I spent the ENTIRE dance rehearsing a dance upstairs for a song that she had requested the DJ play.  The song was never played.  She got so upset over it all that she left without saying goodbye when the dance was over.  This pre-dates the first kiss Amanda girl.  I can't recall what her name was.  I just remember she was obsessed with us getting this Jitterbug dance routine exactly perfect for when the song came on.  I feel like that's how most of life goes...

We spend all this time worry about things that never actually end up happening.  I remember being so nervous too about getting the dance correct.  I remember thinking that me and her were going to wow the entire camp social...

Those were good problems to have.  I tell ya.

And with that... I'm off to bed.  Goodnight all you little Jitterbugs out there.