Brandywine River Museum/Galer Estate Vineyard and Winery
Today I went to The Brandywine River Museum and The Galer Estate Vineyard and Winery. I really enjoyed both. The River Museum was a referral from one of the adjuncts at work that suggested I go there to possibly run into a lady and get lucky in love... No such luck. I walked around for a couple hours. Took in each and every painting. Then I walked around the grounds outside. I found a lonely little piggy that I sat near and just kind of looked out into the flowing river for a good while... I just felt defeated.
I still feel defeated. Every time I log into Facebook there's some new notification, someone is in a relationship now, someone is married now, someone is having a kid now, someone is buying a house together with their significant other and they are putting up a photo of them both holding the keys to the new place. I know everyone is different and love comes for everyone at different times and you're supposed to find it when you stop trying and all that.. And I'm happy for all these people, I really am. But I'm just tired of being alone. But at the same time, I don't want to just date someone just to NOT be alone. I don't want to date someone that I'm not at least somewhat interested in. I don't want to force it either. I want it to happen. It's hard to NOT look for love. Everyone says it like... it's a piece of cake to do. It's all nice in theory, and maybe it's easy for other people to not care about finding someone, but for me it's hard. I feel like... so many other people almost seem to have effortlessly found love everywhere I look. At the museum it was nearly all couples. There weren't really any single people at all. It made me feel even worse than my bleak optimism on the drive out there. So I felt kind of just down on myself like it was a wasted 15 dollar admission and a wasted trip to drive out there. I used my phone and Google mapped what was around. I was just going to go to a coffee shop to do work. Instead I thought well maybe I'll try out a new winery that I haven't been to.
The winery I happened upon is Galer Estate Vineyard and Winery. It's definitely one of my new favorites. The property is very beautiful with an old barn as the tasting room and a wrap around porch/deck thing that leads down wooden deck stairs to the vineyard. You can site either in the barn, outside on the deck under an umbrella covered table or down by the vineyard at a table there. The wine I tasted was super delicious. I did a small sampler and then I ended up getting a bottle and pouring a glass from that, then taking the rest of the bottle home. It was nice, I sat and worked on the book. I just enjoyed the view and the day. I tried to ignore the conversations from people... most of them were about weddings happening in the next two months, one couple was engaged and another was celebrating 40 years together and another was in a wedding coming up... Which again made me feel even more lonely.
This is me just completely giving up on that whole finding love thing. Cheers to wine and books. A photo posted by Kenny (@kennywest82) on
It's not that I'm not going on first dates. I'm still going on first dates... Although I don't really want to anymore. I've honestly been on so many first dates that I'm kind of just burnt out on that whole first date thing and getting to know the person and asking the same first get to know you questions, and not having any real connection or spark. I just want to find something real. I want to find someone that sticks. There have been girls interested in me, but I'm just not feeling anything but a friendship for them, and there have been girls that I actually did like but they weren't super interested in me and just wanted a friendship.
I guess if it were mutual I wouldn't be single now right?
But... I just feel like if I don't go on dates... that significantly diminishes my chances of finding love. I try to go out to bars. It's hard to get friends of mine to go out. Most of my coworkers are all married and most of my friends are also and they don't want to go out. My siblings are also married with kids and they never go out to bars or clubs. The only going out my mom does is to dialysis or her doctor appointments.
I go to coffee shops but it's tough to "chat" with people in that setting.
Today at the winery there was a girl that I actually kind of enjoyed chatting with... she was one of the servers though and she was just being friendly to all the customers. So it wasn't authentic. It was weird because she definitely did a good job of making me feel like she was almost being flirty, I feel a little like used almost (ok yes, I'm over reacting a bit but that's the best way to describe it). I was just going to buy the sampling but she kind of did that flirty thing and got me to buy the bottle (If you're a guy that has ever bought alcohol in any way shape or form in any type of bar setting from a girl bartender, you know what I'm talking about. If you're a girl, just trust me. It's a real thing. I don't know if the guy bartenders do it but I imagine it's probably something similar. They do this thing where they pretend to be somewhat flirty with you and they sort of use coercive language to convince you to buy just that little extra drink. Spend that little extra bit of money. I know we all have control of our own lives... but sometimes in the setting after I've had a drink and she's sitting there calling me honey and telling me I'm cute and complimenting me on my hair and sort of laughing at everything I'm saying... theoretically it shouldn't work... but every now and then it does. And then I feel stupidly low afterwards.)... Of course then she was like you should like the Facebook page for us and come to more events... it was very marketing ish after I swiped my credit card. I feel like her demeanor sort of immediately changed once my tab was closed out but I was still hanging out. But that's what they are paid to do and it's fine. It's a job. Get people to spend more money there. Hmmm, I don't know. It's not that I didn't have a nice time at both places... I guess, it would just be something cool to do with someone. But not just with anyone, I'd love to go do that stuff with someone that I'm feeling a little bit butterflies ish about.
I just feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. But people keep telling me the places where they met their significant other... and I go to these places and try these things and sign up for these services... the gym, yoga... wineries, museums... dating sites... and then people tell me I'm not open to meeting someone...
Maybe?
I keep having some people say to me that it's not about butterflies it's about just finding companionship. But, isn't that what makes someone a friend verses someone romantic? Like so one of my best friends in the whole world that I've known now for over 10 years... we are great hanging out and we're great friends, but we don't find each other attractive in that way. Which is fine for us... I'm willing to admit maybe I don't know what love is, or maybe I've never actually experienced it. But one thing I do know is that I see all these couples at the museum, at the winery... and I have a pretty decent idea what love is. I mean they certainly aren't JUST friends... they are friends yes, and they are companions, but they are more than that. They are into one another. They are playful with each other. They make each other laugh... they are intimate with each other. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not intimate with any of my friends.
Anyways... so yeah. I just feel really down right now. I just feel lonely. I feel sad and defeated. I know, I know... "It'll happen when it happens". It's just frustrating that you see people who are 5 years younger than me that have been married and in love already for 5 years. Which means by the time they are my age of 32 they will have had 10 wonderful years in love. I know life isn't a race and it's not a fair comparison...
Just not feeling to hot right now and just really burned out from dating.
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