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If I could change one thing from the past

I found this blog topic while googling around for blog topics.  I wanted to find something funny and silly and short and just good fun to write about (I'll do this for tomorrow's post) but while googling/clicking on links this topic kind of jumped out at me from one of the sites I stumbled across.  I read it and then really kind of thought about it a lot and then decided I actually wanted to write about this topic.

So the topic is "If I could change one thing from the past, what would it be?"

Just one thing?  Oh wow I thought, there's a LOT of stuff I would change.  I mean... yea.  I just would change a lot of things.  There's a few that come right away to my mind that I WISH I could go back and change... I mean like SOOOO bad... you have no idea.  But I also thought to myself, if I had changed it would something else change to put me right back where I am now again?  I mean, no matter how I think I might be able to make things different, maybe no matter what I'd still end up where I am on this path because that's how it's supposed to be?  But I still kind of wondered well... if I had to choose ONLY one thing... to change from the past... what would it be?

One... just ONE... thing.

This is NOT an easy question.  Like I said there's just sooooooooooo much... ya know?  Like obviously bringing back loved ones, or maybe fixing mistakes that i've made... or I mean I don't know there's just... TOOOOO much that I would want to change!

Then I thought of it... and that's when I decided I wanted to write about this topic.  Change one thing...  But I just didn't know what that one thing would be.  Only that I knew I wanted to write about this topic.  I made a brainstorm list... and then thought about the list and then stormed some more.  Then I laid down on my couch and stared at the ceiling.

Then... well... I thought of something.

I guess... I've always wondered what it's like...

To have.... well... to have both sets of parents together for my whole life.  Like not just together but totally in love with each other... like dancing the funky chicken on their 50th wedding anniversary type of together.  Like... just... passionately in love with each other from day one till even now.

I mean I meet people who have that, but also people who don't... so I guess I've just always wondered... what it's like to have one togetherness... in life... for holidays... or I don't know to show up at events.... like graduations... or maybe come to shows I play all together... I can't really even... imagine it.  I try to.

and I can't.  Just knowing that your parents are one united together in love...

...instead of sitting at opposite tables like they are strangers to each other.

Instead of having to go out for B-day dinners with one and then the other.

Ya know?  Just like... having them... together but having a spark... where they are just crazy about each other even after eons and eons.

I know that it's totally fine that they didn't work out together and... that they both totally love me.... and I def love them both... so that's fine.

But I HAVE always wondered what it would have been like if I had two parents always and forever together as one... I suppose I'll never know what it's like.  I know that if I had a wish for the future it's that I want to provide that "one" feeling for my future kids that I hopefully have one day.

But I don't know... I just wonder that sometimes... just what it's like.  To have this feeling of your family is one singular entity instead of two entities that are kind of tied together except distantly... that's just how I perceive it.  That I've got family part 1, and family part 2... and so then it's like.... hard to feel right trying to belong... almost like.... I'm a little bit of family 1... and a little of family 2... hang out with one parent for a bit... hang out with another for a bit....

I guess with togetherness I'd feel more coherently connected to past and future... but without a united family.. it's almost like the past and future feel... disconnected in a way... If... that makes any sense?

I don't know really... I'm just writing.

But I feel like there's two halves that are separated?  Or... yea that's the best way to describe it.  So I suppose myself I feel sort of maybe not "Whole"... as I should be.  Or maybe as others are.  So I'm less whole than others around me.

Maybe that only makes sense to me.

So I guess that's just want it is that I would change if I could choose just one single thing out of all the things I in my whole past.

Believe me there are SO many things I would want to change.  The song that comes to mind is "Chicago" by Sufjan Stevens... mostly the lyrics:

"I made a lot of mistakes , in my mind, in my mind "

Except it's not in my mind.  I HAVE made a lot of mistakes.  But I'm learning from those mistakes.

But again I've just always thought well... what would it be like:

For me to have two parents as one... together... totally in love and happy together all along for my whole life...

Starting out from day 1...growing up as a little kid... into a bigger kid... then as a teenager... into being a young adult... all the way up through till now.

I wonder how I would be different as a person.  I wonder how my life would be different.

So... I guess that's pretty deep and a lot for me to post up.  It's kinda super personal and... I almost didn't post this at the last moment.  But I decided to go ahead and just write about it.  It took a lot actually to write that.  I know it's short and doesn't really say much... but it really took a lot out of me to write that.

Ok well tomorrow I'll post something funny and fun and lighthearted and silly.