BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

So Many First Dates

I've pretty much just come to accept that there's always only going to be just a first date.  I mean, eh, it's fine.  The thing is... At least it's good conversation usually, and it's cheap, usually just a cup of coffee, or a drink.

I mean, all of my peers are coughing up mucho money for childcare and wedding costs...

So, if I just go on a date a week and it's always a first date, and she decides not to respond anymore after the first date...

I guess it is what it is.

I really should just go for the Guinness book of world records for first dates.  I'm actually fairly certain I've surpassed that record.

I've been on a LOT of first dates.

I used to wonder what it was they weren't interested in or what I could do better... But I suppose it doesn't really matter.  I mean, what one person likes, another doesn't.  Or what is a preference to one person, isn't to another.

So it doesn't matter really I guess.

At this point I'm not really expecting to meet someone.  I just go on dates usually because it's nice to have an hour conversation with someone over a drink.

I've kind of given up on the whole love thing at the point.  I feel like whatever it is that women REALLY want in the end, I don't have.  Maybe it's my height, or maybe it's just my lack of a CEO position at a big corporation... Who knows... But whatever it is, I don't have it.

So, just keep going on first dates.... and then after the first date... I basically say the same thing...

"I had a great time, I'd love to go on another date, but I'll let it up to you, if you decide you want to do something again, you can contact me, if not, that's okay too, it was nice to meet you."

I'm actually surprised that I don't run into more of these first dates I've been on in real life.  You'd think I would cross paths with at least one or two of them every now and then.  I never seem to though.  Which is kind of weird.

I guess it just proves how many people there are out there!  And maybe hope that one day I will eventually cross paths with someone who I will end up marrying?  I guess one can hope.

The thing is... You never know who you'll end up marrying until it happens.  Plus, the person that I might end up with, she might be in a totally different country right now, or state, or city.

I mean, who knows, she might be married right now for all I know.

I actually went on a date with one woman I was interested in... I REALLY wanted to go on a second date... But she wasn't interested in.  Which was weird because she actually bought my tea for me on the date... And then she ended it with "I'll call you later".

She was never going to call later.

I finally texted and she said she wasn't interested.

It was a good 2 hours though that we chatted.

Anyways, she actually lived like a mile away from where I live now, for a few years, married to the other guy that she ended up getting divorced from.

So, I guess it just goes to show, the woman I might eventually end up with, could be nextdoor the whole time.

Or who knows, she might just live right down the street.  Maybe I already know her even and sparks just haven't flown yet.

Life is a little about catching one another's paces.  That's why a lot of couples early on break up.

People just go in different directions.  Two people could be together and one goes on to do a PHD, and the other just decides not to even go to college at all.  Then the PHD student ends up getting really cozy with a classmate... And sparks fly.  They break up with their previous relationship and end up with the other person.

It happens all the time.

This is why I kind of have decided not to really put much faith into the dating apps anymore.  It's a nice hour or two chat, but I have no hope that I'll actually meet my future significant other on that site.

I feel like I have a better chance if I just keep with social activities.  Just keep making friends.  I think the key is to make a LOT of friends.  Then you get invited to things, like parties, or other weddings... You're more likely to form a close bond with someone else who is single at a wedding... All the single people at weddings kind of gather together, and then they just kind of think, "when is it my turn?"

And then you end up kind of cozying up with other single people and perhaps something happens from that.  Maybe not... but I think it's better odds than just meeting someone random.

People like to date friends.  They don't like to date random strangers.  People like to know there's a connection somehow.  Connections prove reputation and decency... Which is a big deal for dating.

That's the problem with dating sites... Like the last date I went on she was like "You're not going to murder me are you?"

That's the whole problem with online dating.  There's no trust.  You don't know the person.

That's why most relationships don't come out of dating sites.  They come out of knowing the person.  Mutual friends at a party... Or, the singles table at a wedding...

"How do you know so and so?"

I think eventually I just want to keep doing more things that involve group activities.  Running club is good... So that works for now, but I need more group activity things.  And it has to be recurring.  This is how coworkers date, or classmates.

You see the person over and over again.  And then eventually something clicks.  Although I have no clue how that click part happens... But somehow it does.

But yeah... The key to relationships is being around the person, on a recurring basis... Then becoming friends first... Then ended up in a relationship.

I know with the summer camp in Maine that I go to every June the way that people end up together is, they spend a LOT of time in close space... And then... They drink alcohol together.

Lots of time spent together often... Plus alcohol.

The time together often is what makes the close bond, but the alcohol is what makes things happen because then people who may not have otherwise kissed... End up making out.

And then it goes on to end up in marriage eventually.

There have been SOOOO many camp marriages, it's crazy.

Spend time with people often, drink.

That's running club.  You see the same people every week, you run together... then... You guessed it... You drink.

Coworkers... Happy hours once a week?

See a pattern?

It's because you have to build up the trust first.... Then lower the inhibitions.

Most people don't find anyone attractive the first time they meet.

This is why I'm endlessly going on first dates... I like to give it 3 dates before I call it quits... But that's just me.

Anyways... So, I'll keep with the dates thing from online dating, but I doubt it will ever lead anywhere because the formula for love isn't built into online dating.

There's no trust building.  There's no community to vouch for this person.

You just talk a while, then go get booze.

Which is always going to end in failure.  Because alcohol without the community and trust... Just ends in both people awkwardly saying good night and then both of them never speaking again.

It's just how it goes.  Alcohol can't come until there's trust and friendship and community.  THEN you can add alcohol into the mix to get two people who may kind of sort of like one another but haven't yet let it bubble up and say anything, will say something after a couple drinks.

It's just the way of the world and the way so many couples have gotten together.

Don't believe me?  Ask pretty much anyone you know who is married.  Ask them how they got together.

They knew one another for a while probably... Then went out to a happy hour, or a wedding, or a party, or something where they had a couple of drinks... And then they warmed up to each other.

So, that's what I need to work on... Finding more friends, attending more parties, happy hours with coworkers, and weddings...

Only then will I probably meet her.