BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

Dry Erase

File this one under what would Kara do... Probably...  Or maybe "Things Kara would do".

Man, I wish I could meet another girl as cool as her though to date in real life.  Then I could be like... _______ is the coolest!  I love ________ because of this and that and that and this...  And post all these statuses about how much I love her and how awesome a girlfriend she is.

Instead it's just like... Meh... I miss that girl.  I wonder what she's up to right now...  And then I get annoyed with myself because I'm like whatever... She has a boyfriend, she's probably doing boyfriend things with her boyfriend.  SO then I get even more like cranky and annoyed.  And then I'm just like whateves, what do I care.  And I say... I'm not going to think about her anymore.

And then like 5 minutes later... I think about her.  And I don't know why.  But there she is in my mind.  And then the more I try NOT to think about her... I think about her even more.

Sometimes I'm just like, I think to myself... If I could either do one of two things,

1) Go back in time and time travel and take back any mistakes I made, which would be ideal, say all the right stuff, do all the right things....

2) Or, just change my path so that I never met her in the first place.  So, we just never met.  Make it so she moved to Florida without us ever linking up on the dating site.  I'd still be all anti ever stepping foot in a church probably and I wouldn't have a book NEARLY completed.  And, I wouldn't have tweeted over 10 thousand tweets, mostly for her to read.  And I also wouldn't have written my songs "Over The Bar Scene" and "Can't Get You".  And I wouldn't have ever Twitter storied, all for her to read.  Although I'll admit the story tweeting is kind of fun/cool.

And... I wouldn't have gone to the Gryphon Cafe a million times over (but now I just go because it's a good space to do work)... and probably wouldn't have ever joined Longwood Gardens (not that I joined it specifically because of her, but mostly it was just, I need stuff to post about to keep her reading so I need new things to do to keep her attention... Etc. etc.  But now that I've given up on keeping her attention... I'm just doing stuff to try and meet someone new I guess, or I'm just doing stuff to do stuff).  Or I definitely would never never done that whole moved to Wayne thing, that was totally because of her, although I don't understand my logic as to why that was supposed to help get her to like me.  I don't know...

I was just doing things because it was just me trying to figure out how to do things that this girl might like or be interested in... And of course getting frustrated when she wasn't.

But now it's just like... Oh well... I guess that's all over and done with.  So now there's something else that will happen next I guess... Or someone else will come into my life.  I mean there's billions of people and every day I'm meeting new people pretty much.  So, there's always the possibility that right around the corner is the next Kara.  The next wowza girl.  That makes me go, THIS GIRL IS SO COOL!

So why was I meant to meet Kara?  Who knows.

Hmmm... Oh well, life experience?  I also DEFINITELY wouldn't have blogged as much as I do.  I wouldn't have ever bought the camera that I bought that Sony Alpha (I really want to buy a better more professional camera some day, like a good Canon or something), that I used to make the music video for "Outlaw Lover".  Or I wouldn't have written all these blogs professing my love to her.

See, THAT's what love does to someone.  It makes you go crazy and do all these things... Here's what scares me... What if there IS another Kara out there?  What if I meet someone new... And she captures my heart and thoughts.... And pulls me in like Kara did...

But what if she's not of the same Godly Christian based moral fiber as Kara?  Then I'm screwed.  I'll end up broke and broken.  I guess it could have been worse... I could have ended up chasing someone else to the ends of the earth that isn't a good soul.  So, hey... At least I got captivated by a genuine caring good souled person instead of like... A criminal mastermind or something...

So, this whole crossing life paths with Kara thing wasn't the worst of things that could have happened to me.

Life experience.  I suppose that was the point of meeting her and her coming into my life?  Just to make me do things I wouldn't normally have done.  Sometimes I wonder, what if she never had moved to Florida?  Why did she moved to Florida?  Because of her sister, yes yes, I know she moved on her own accord and to a job that she found and applied for herself... But if her sister didn't live in Florida... Would she have ever searched for that job in that location?  Would she have started visiting Florida and had conversations about even moving there at all from PA?  Let's assume she was an only child... Would she have ever moved to Florida?  Where would she be living right now in the world if her sister had never moved to Florida and then convinced her to also move there?

I mean, if I had a sibling living in Florida you bet I probably would have moved there.  Family does influence where you live in the world.  I mean, true we can live anywhere we want... But when family lives there... We're more likely to move to that place.  So if her sister didn't live in Florida.. Maybe she would have never moved there.  And then she would have never met that guy that is currently her boyfriend.  Not that she's interested in me even if she were still single... So not that it matters I guess.  I suppose it doesn't really matter at all.

I wonder if her sister moved away from Florida.  Like let's say her sister moved back to NJ or out to LA or something... I wonder how that would change Kara's life in Florida.

See, why am I even thinking about this?  This is the stuff that goes on in my mind.

I guess there's a million what ifs right?  Life is filled with lots of... Moving places... Meeting people... and making choices based on all of that.  And if we were just one minute, or one day or one month later or sooner in our choice...

We'd have a whole different life than what we have now.

I feel like life is all about who you meet in what order and at what stage in life you meet them.  For example when I met Kara... We (my family) were in the thick of this legal case that I was all super angry about.  That's now over.  And things are basically pretty much resolving with all of that.  So now people that meet me are like... seeing a different person.  And of course well things are just different for me now that my mom has passed and it's all just different.  Because you could meet someone when you are a kid, or meet them in college, or meet them at a work place, or in a bar, or on a dating site...

And it all changes what kind of relationship you have with them depending on where you meet them.

And then you learn more about yourself as you get older.  So anyone that meets me going forward will have a much more insightful and patient person.

I guess it's all in the timing of things.

If you meet someone during a lightning storm or snow storm for example, it's going to be a different interaction than if you meet them say, on a peaceful Sunday afternoon in the shade when it's 85 degrees and you're both sipping on iced tea, or lemonade... Or iced coffee.

You're going to be like... Well this is a much better first meeting than meeting someone during the pouring rain!

Sometimes I think okay so what if I HAD never met her in the first place?  How would that change things?

I almost never did.  I had made up my mind in October of 2009 to propose to D.  I basically had already decided to just marry her since we had history of 8 years.  And she had just recently been at my house I remember we hung out and went and saw Paranormal Activity.  I think it was when we were driving back from that movie that I had decided, maybe she IS the one.

So I go to text her a short while after... And she had gone to a Halloween themed wedding... That's where she met her current husband.  So after I texted her, she was already going on dates with him.

If I had made up my mind just a few months earlier?  Who knows.  May have just married D and never re-activated my OKCupid profile.  And never exchanged messages with Kara.

But life has other plans.

If I had never met her in the first place though?  And assuming that D still met her husband... I PROBABLY would have just gone with the OBGYN Resident girl up in Bethlehem.  When I think about all the other girls I've ever dated... She's definitely right there after Kara on my list of girls I've liked the most.  Although she's married to some other guy now and they own a house... SO that ship has sailed.  But the Kara ship has sailed as well.  And the D ship.

Lots of ships.  Sailing.  All heading out to sea, little tiny dots... Just about to vanish over the horizon.

But so far besides Kara, she's the ONLY other Resident Assistant I've ever met on the dating site.  OBGYN girl and photography girl.  RAs are few and far between in general.  But all of the girls I've dated are RAs.  D, Sandy, Kara, Christine...

It's not that I TRY to only meet RAs it's just how it goes.  For some reason or another all of the girls I've ever officially dated beyond first or second or a handful of dates...

Resident Assistant in college is right there on their resume.

I haven't a clue as to why that is.  But it's just the theme.  So, I'm looking for my next RA.  I feel like that should just be question number one... Were you an RA in college?  No?  Okay.  Stop there.  No need to go any further.

What was I blogging on about?  Oh... "Dry Erase".... Sorry, got off topic and was going on and on about Kara again.  You know how it goes...  It's because I try to have other thoughts and then I keep having her thoughts disrupt my thoughts.  That's the best way to describe it.

What's the line in that one song by Lifehouse, Somebody Else's Song... "I've got someone else's thoughts in my head, I want some of my own."

That's kind of how it feels, except I don't mind her thoughts, I suppose, I don't REALLY want some of my own.  I mean... you know how it is.  My own thoughts keep getting disrupted by her thoughts.  Or maybe not her thoughts, just thoughts about her, is how it really is.  That's basically how it's gone ever since the day I met her.  Kara thoughts all the time in my mind.

ANYWAYS... Sorry this girl is just like... she's ALWAYS there!  Okay well... I convinced my boss to buy a dry erase board for the office.  We put it on the wall today.  So, I listen to all these make better better and turn up good, type podcasts.

Turn up good is a phrase that basically means, if someone is doing something awesome at work, turn that up.  Encourage that behavior.  And just ignore the bad behaviors.  Well, don't ignore them... But if you focus on the stuff you like or the stuff that's working or that's good.  They will do more of that.  If you sort of don't reward the bad stuff with attention and feedback... That stuff usually drops off.  Sometimes there is need to actually step in and say something, like "Knock it off!"

But sometimes if you just focus on better things, that will take over.

Anyways, the initial sentiment in the IT world for physical spaces to write things on is... "What do we need that for?"  I have a computer.  I have a tablet.  I don't need a physical board and marker to write on.  You can't click file and save on that!

It's an interesting question.  You can create WAY more words on a word document and share it on a shared digital drive.  And you can also create WAY more designs, and you can redesign it and you can change it millions of ways over and over...

But here's the thing.  When you have unlimited, or virtually unlimited space and edits... Things get lost.  They get created and created and it just fills and expands and if there's no way to manage it properly... It just becomes another bit or byte in some digital closet somewhere.

When you have a board on the wall, you only have that space on the board.  You have finite written real estate.

So you have to be very careful about what you write.  You have only so much space.  So it just forces you to think about what's actually important to put up there.

As well when you physically have it on the wall in your workplace, and it's in a place where you see it every time you walk in, it's more "in your face" type of deal.  That way you are always reminded of it.  So you can put top issues right there to remind you.  Or maybe a daily quote or something motivational.

So this is kind of a combination of a few ideas... One is

1. Turn up the good: So write down things that are good, or projects that are working.  Erase things that are not.
2.  Vision board: These are goals and things that you want to achieve that you keep somewhere visible and you see them every day when you walk into work.  SO the idea is that...
3. Visual note taking: We put some of the things up on the board and even make visual notes.  So, maybe instead of words, use drawings.  Some words, some drawings.

It keeps things more interesting for one.  A lot of workspace/places get set in ways.  Things are always the same.  It gets boring/dull... Or as Kara once said... "Sounds stagnant".

So, now we have a dry erase board in the office.  I put up a few things and made some little fun notes.  I'm all about it.

There's also something more satisfying of crossing things of the list, or erasing them.  Instead of just deleting something on a computer screen.

So to answer the age old question of, do old world technologies such as markers and marker boards have a place in digital workspaces?  I think the answer is yes.  What would Kara do?  Probably have a dry erase board in her office.

Anyways... So here I am still thinking about her.  I know I'm going to say to myself I'm not going to think about her.  And then her name will just pop into my head again and I'll have her on my mind again in a short time.

I guess I just don't get it.  Why her?  So many other girls that I know and I've met.  What is it with this girl?  What is it about this girl that she's always on my mind?  It's silly really.  Isn't it?  It's just silly.  But... I don't know... Kara, you elude me, or maybe my thoughts about you do.  Seriously I don't get it, out of ALL the people I've ever met on this planet... And you and I don't even talk anymore...

You consume most of the time in my mind.  It's like you're constantly writing new stuff on my dry erase board of my brain... Little notes... while I'm trying to write new stuff.  And then  you write your stuff between the things I'm writing.  So every time I try to read any of it, I just think about you.