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Misty

So... I got some bad news today.  I'm kind of just feeling a bit on the not so great side right now.

One of my mom's 4 cats, Misty, has kidney failure.  I'm super upset about it.  She's at the vet right now getting fluid therapy.  The vet said that she might recover for a little while but that even if she does, it's probably just going to be for a few weeks to a few months.

I'm just really upset about it.

My one friend that is cat sitting noticed that she wasn't eating and she had puked a little bit over the last day and a half or so.  I told her not to chance it and just take her over to the vet.  The vet did an X-ray to make sure she wasn't obstructed, which came out clear.  But then further tests revealed that she had abnormal blood levels and was very dehydrated.  My friend said that Misty has been drinking lots of water so I pretty much knew it was kidney as soon as that was mentioned.

I feel like she's just too young.  She's 14.  The average cat lives about 15.  Although this cat isn't your average cat.  She's funny, quirky... And she's about double the size of your normal cat.  Misty loves to eat.  She tries to take food from the other cats even.  You can't miss her when you walk into the room.  She's super sociable.  She's just... Misty.

But she's more than that.  She's my mom's cat.  She's my mom's favorite cat.  She's a piece of my mom.  Sometimes at night she sits in the hallway and does this double meow thing where she goes "Meow meow?" as if she's asking a question or asking for someone.  It's more like a "Mrow mrow?".  Very rrrrrrowwlll... type of thing.  "Mrroowwlllll???"

And then she'll flop down on the floor and just look at you.

I feel like she's saying "night night" or maybe asking for my mom.  When my mom would go to bed each night she would pick up the cat and carry her up and say to her... "Go night night?  Misty, come on let's go night night."

And misty would say... "Mrrowl mrrowwlll??"

It just sucks to lose her so quickly, so soon after losing my mom.  And my mom had kidney failure... and here's her favorite cat also going into kidney failure.  It's almost like I guess one way that I'm trying to look at it is, maybe my mom wanted her cat.  That my mom missed her cat so much...  She decided to pull her favorite cat over to the other side with her?

I guess?  I mean, I don't know... I'm sort of feeling a bit lost and hopeless on the whole meaning of life bit at the moment.  The idea of loss and taking things from my life seems to be a big theme lately...

I guess I just have to wait and see how things are tomorrow.  I'm still here at camp.  I might leave early to head home.  I'm not sure yet.  Some people have said it might be better not to be there?  My one friend that is cat sitting and first noticed that Misty wasn't eating said that she can go over to be with Misty if I decide to have her put down.  I'm waiting until tomorrow to see if her blood levels improve.

Part of me is just like... If Misty is nauseated or something like that, I should just go ahead with it.  Apparently cats can live in kidney failure for many months by having extra fluid administered every 24 hours.  I just don't think that's fair to do to the cat.  I know that my mom's own quality of life on dialysis was just not really all that great at all.  In a way it's like reliving having to make the life or death decisions while the life hangs in the balance.  The question is when to just kind of not take anymore heroic efforts... With my mom it was more defined in her advanced directive.  With the cat it's just purely up to me.

I've decided to take the first step in efforts.  I'd like to be home to say goodbye to her on behalf of my mom.  If a little bit of fluids can prolong her life without any pain and suffering, let's give it a shot.

At this point, money isn't an issue.  It's just about trying to figure out the best possible course of action.

Misty has a twin sister Fluff.  I feel like Fluff knows... They spend a lot of time together with one another.  They've spent the last 14 years with one another... It just feels off not having all of the cats.

It's hard to say goodbye to a pet, but it's extra hard when it was your mom's pet... When it is just another small piece of the memory of your parent slipping away.

I just thought the cats would at least live maybe another 2 or 3 or 4 or even 8 more years before I'd lose them too.  You know?  It would give me time to really process.  At least a year.  Then maybe a year or two after my mom went I'd be ready.  But here I am not even a year after I've lost my mom and now I'm about to lose her favorite cat.  I'm just kind of heartbroken.  But there are no guarantees in life.  I've at least had the last several months with Misty... So at least I even had that.  And I have the other cats for now.  Curio... and Misty's sister Fluff.  And Faith.  Faith is only about 1 and some change now.  The other cats are all 14.  So they are up there in age.  It's just hard to process.  I woke up this morning thinking that maybe Misty just had an upset stomach and wasn't eating and now I find out that she's in kidney failure.  It was like when my mom only went on the ventilator because of some fluid overload and then they took the fluids off and after a couple days she was suppose to come off the ventilator and recover... and she didn't.  Then I went down to the hospital on day 3 or so of the ventilator and the doctor informed me that things were very serious and that he didn't see a way of her making it through this.

It just hits you.  And you just kind of cry and sit there and don't know what to do.  So that's where I am again.

I have this feeling of... Everything I care about in my life is slowly being taken from me.  It just sucks.  But I'm just trying to take it a day at a time and... Just let things go how they go.

Just have to see what happens.