BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

Not At All What I was Expecting

So I finally decided to stalk my exe's Instagram after like 8 months of not looking at it.  Let's just say the guy that is her boyfriend... Isn't at all what I was expecting.  I'm sure he's a nice guy and all...

But... He's not so easy on the eyes.  Ok, so maybe I'm judging.  I only peeked at a few of the photos... whatever... I'm sure he's nice and looks are everything... And beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Sure I'm majorly jealous... and I'm KIND of dating someone now too anyways.  Not that I'm like in love with the girl I'm with... She's ok.  She's in med school.

To me easy on the eye girls aren't a big deal either.  I'm way more in to smarts.

I'm probably not going to marry the girl I'm dating-ish anyways.  I don't ever think I'll get married.  The problem with inheriting millions of dollars is...

How can I trust that you won't marry me just to divorce me and sue me for part of my wealth?

I'm in a super weird place.  In the next month or two I'll get my first distribution in the 50k range.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with it.  I'll probably add it to my trading account and start using it as investment capital.  I almost made a trade today where I would have gotten a 10 percent return in like 2 weeks time.  But I'm keeping the shares because I think they'll be worth way more in the coming weeks/months.

It's definitely just like... Every girl I've ever gone on a date with has just been nothing compared to that girl that I met so long ago.  But I can't figure out why that is.  She just really turned my world upside down.  So yeah... Mr. Not so easy on the eyes... But probably a nice guy or a Christian obviously has something she likes.  Good for her.

He's probably got a multimillion dollar trust fund as well... who knows.  Money isn't everything.  Looks aren't everything either.

Whatever it is this current med school girl doesn't have that my ex has... I couldn't tell you.  They are both super smart.... Super funny... and the med school girl is cute.  I mean she's no where near as cute as my ex is... But she's cute.

Hmmm... Eh.  I just have pretty much decided that I really don't think I'll ever want to the the knot.  I'll probably keep working on my book about the wedding photographer girl that way she was when I met her waaaaay back when.  I'll use my new found wealth to trade... Make more wealth... make more music... Make books... eventually get into movies... Etc. etc.

I'd LOVE to one day meet a girl that turned my world upside down WAY more than she did... But at this point... I could care less about the whole finding love thing.

I'll definitely never say "I love you" to any girl.  I just never could imagine meeting a girl and feeling the way I did about her about someone new.  I went out last night and spent like 60 bucks taking the med school girl out.  Whatever... the conversation was ok... She enjoyed it.

So anyways... I stalked my exe's Instagram and it was the same feeling when I finally looked at my ex from colleges stuff when she was all about her new boyfriend.  All the feeling I had for her just went out the window and I could care less.

So I'm basically having the same feelings that I had in the fall of 2009 right after my college girlfriend met her now husband... and I'm assuming that the girl I fell in love with is going to end up marrying her current boyfriend.

But that's what happens I guess.  People fall in love and get married.  I'm no where near in love with med school girl.  Sure she's nice.  But...

I don't know.  She just doesn't make my heart skip a beat.  I should probably tell her that eventually.  But... I'll let it go a little while longer to see if anything develops.

I was out tonight with the yoga people and talked to plenty of girls.  Most of the dozen girls I chatted with all had boyfriends.  None off them interested me.

I don't know.  Most of them just are... plain.  The photography girl had a crazy interesting personality.  It's the way she said stuff.  She was funny... talented.  Unique.  Definitely SUPER good looking too...

Who knows... Maybe one day I'll fall for a girl and people will point at her and say... "Her?  REALLY?  But she's..."

And I'll just say... "She's nice."  Or "There's more to someone than their looks."

I have no idea.  Right now it's just a waiting game with my life.  I'm just drifting.  I'm still kind of hoping to meet a girl that I'd LOVE to show off to everyone I know as my "Girlfriend".  But I just don't see it happening.  What I do see happening... Because I already know it's going to happen because that's what the trusts dictate...

Is that 6 months from now I'll have a few hundred thousand dollars in the bank.  A house... with no mortgage on it... and even more in the trust that I'll be able to make a phone call to get anything I really need paid for for me.  New car?  Sure.  House repairs?  Done.  Any other living expense?  Yep.

I suppose if I DID get married... My wife and I would be able to just have things paid for on our behalf.  Although some people like working and making their own way in this world.  So that could not even be something that any girl I might possible date could even remotely care about.  It's nice to know it's there though.  Like I'm probably going to buy a new fridge and washer and dryer in the next few months after I get my first distribution.

But... Like I said... unless I just settled, even for the med school girl that I have NO feelings for what so ever...

I'm just going to end up hopelessly single.  I don't know how people do it.  I'm sure she's super attracted to him.  And hey good for them.

I wish I could find a girl that I found super attractive just like she does him.  I wish I could meet a girl that I just felt so sure of I could Instagram that she was my girlfriend.  But I just don't feel that way about anyone I meet.  I haven't felt that way since I met that girl.

Somedays I wish I had never met her.  Yeah... That's mean.  But some days it's true.  Some days I wish I had NEVER crossed paths with her.  I wish I didn't have her on my mind ALL the time.

But oh well.  What can you do but just sit and wait and hope that something better is down the road.

I guess I can just continue to date girls... Bring them home to my house... have them say "WOW... THIS is where you live?"

Yes.  This is where I live.  It's not THAT big of a deal.

So what.  It's a house.  Who cares.  Yes there's no mortgage on it.  Who cares.  I hold the upper hand always because I have no feelings what so ever for you.

I'll always hold the upper hand in dating now.  Because I'll never meet a girl that I care about ever since I met that one girl.  The person who loves less in any relationship always hold the upperhand.  And every girl I seem to date...

I just don't have any feelings for.  They just never seem to have what that one girl had.

Maybe one day I'll just be able to fake it and pretend I love the girl I'm with.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Take them out to dinner... Toss my credit card down that doesn't have a balance on it and never will have a balance on it because there will always be tons of money to pay the bill in full every month even if I went 5 years without a job.

The thing about my current situation is EVERY girl I meet is interested... It's not like one or two are kind of interested... THEY ALL ARE.

I own my own home... I have a multimillion dollar trust fund... and I don't have a mom.

EVERY single girl I talk to... Is like... "awww you poor thing."  And they are ALL interested in dating me.

But I'm not interested in any of them.  I still secretly wish I could have ended up with the girl that ended up with the guy that's not so easy on the eyes.

Oh well.  Such is life.  I'm happy to be alone anyways.  I'd rather wake up alone than to wake up next to someone  I don't have any feelings for or I'm not even remotely attracted to.

I guess I'll just keep meandering alone along my path in life until one day I too can find someone that I actually could be happy with and she could be happy with me.

Who knows.  Right now I'll say... It's never going to happen.  But I'm sure there are plenty of married people out there.... Or people in love that were in the same place I was.  Going on dates with someone they weren't really all that interested in... wondering if they'd ever find love.  Still thinking about someone they had fallen in love with years before.

I guess I don't much care at this point.  I'm probably just going to sell this house, ramp up my trading efforts... Push my swing/day trading salary into the hundreds of thousands of dollar range in the next couple years.... and just say fuck it to everyone and everything I currently know and travel the world.

It's sad really because I WISH I had what she had.  I wish I had a job and a significant other that I loved.  But I don't.  And I doubt I ever will.

But... I just have to keep going in life and see what comes next.

For now I'll stick with my... Loving the person you're with... And loving your job... Is for the birds.

And I'll just admit that I'm incredibly bored with everyone I know or meet these days.  They are all so un interesting compared to her.  And aside from the making music thing... Or writing books thing... I'm incredibly bored with my life and my job.

I'd say... Maybe this God person will lead me to something better... But I spent the last 5 years giving that whole prayer thing a shot and every single one I ever sent up to the heavens was completely ignored.

Life is so boring and dull these days for me.  I don't know.  My dreams are interesting at least.

Maybe I'll just slowly push this med school girl away and head back to the dating site... I don't know.  My one friend from yoga was telling me tonight that he met his current love interest on Bumble.  Maybe I'll sign up for a Bumble profile this weekend.

See if that leads to anything.

Or maybe I can just admit that I had a chance years ago with the only girl on the planet to really ever make my heart skip a beat... and lost it.  And that she's completely happy with some new guy...

and my own two options now are... Settle for a girl that I could care less about.  Or be alone.

Honestly... I'd rather just be alone.  Kissing a girl I have no feelings for... Has been the worst experience in the last month for me.  Even last night when I kissed her...

It was just the worst.  Especially knowing that she's super interested in me.  But I'm not even the last bit interested in her.

Sigh.  Oh well.  I guess that's how love goes right?

Tomorrow I have work.  Tomorrow night I'm going to a charity event for my coworker.  It's to raise money for kids with childhood diseases.  I've been going to these events for years.  It's always the same dull/boring/ already married people.

Oh well.  Such is life.  All these people around me that have love....

and me... painfully going on dates with a girl that borderline annoys me that I have to pretend that I like and pretend to kiss her back when she kisses me.

Blah.  That's dating though.  That's life.  That's love.

Anyways... I'll blog about the events of tomorrow night and let you know if anything interested happens.

But I can almost guarantee 100 percent that tomorrow night will be the exact same as all the other nights I've gone out.  I'll have a couple beers.  I'll eat some food.  I'll have a couple meaningless/fake conversations and I'll come back home and fall asleep wondering if there is anyone out there besides that photography girl that I could ever genuinely fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with.

I wish... I wish sooo much there were a girl.  But these days... I just don't see that happening.  I see me just eventually settling for a girl that I don't actually want to be with.  But we're just together because... Isn't that what people do?  They pair off and call the person their girlfriend (or boyfriend for the girls).  They post crap online about how they like the person their with.  And all that stuff....

I could do that.  But it would be a lie.  At least... with the med school girl it would.  And with any of the other girls I've ever dated besides the photography girl it would be a lie as well.

Love.  It's such a stupid concept.  You're supposed to actually WANT the person you're with and they want you back?

To that I have one thing to say... Yeah... Ok. (I'm being sarcastic)

I WISH I could meet a girl and fall for her and end up married or at least Instagramming about her being my girlfriend.  That's like the only thing I've ever wished for...

 

 

But... I won't hold my breath that it will ever happen.

Maybe most people that are together are just faking it anyways.  Maybe they aren't actually interested in one another and it's just all for show.  Who knows.  I don't know.  I guess if I DO end up finally meeting a girl that changes my tune I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.  But right now...

I don't think I really believe in love.  I really don't.