BennyEast.Com/Blog The official blog of Kenny West

Not In Love

Some people on this planet are in love.  I am not one of them.  I wish I were.  But I'm not.  I've tried for most of my life to find someone...

I think the closest I've ever come was 2010.  That girl will forever be on my mind.  She really made my heart feel something I've never felt.  Definitely different from any other girl I've met on this planet so far.  That's for sure.  But the last I heard she was riding of into the sunset with some new dude.  Lucky guy whoever he is.

So here I am still dating.  Going on first dates.  Some second and third dates.  Most of the girl I think to myself... Hmmm I wonder if she might be the one... but then they reject me.  Most girls, like 99 percent just flat out aren't interested.  Then there's a handful that are... kind of... somewhat... some days... other days not... wishy washy.  Maybe.  Then they disappear.  Every now and then there's a girl that is willing to give it multiple dates... but then it's just like... eventually...

Me: "So..."

Her: "Soooo..."

Me: "Yep..."

Her: "Mmmm hmmmm..."

*insert crickets chirping*

Fizzling out is probably the best term to describe it.  Either one of us.... or both of us just feel nothing.

And then you have that moment where you TRY to make yourself want the person.  I do that with my friends that are girls.  I'll be maybe on my second beer and I'll just be like what if?

But then I'm like... Sigh... We're just friends.  It's that whole Harry met Sally deal, where girls and guys can't be friends.  They can.  I've been friends for years with lots of girls.  Some of them we even tried hooking up... and nothing.  Both  of us are like... Yep, THAT was a bad idea.  Back to the friend thing.

I'm not in love.  Even one iota.  I don't even have anyone that I have a secret crush on.  I just have nothing.  Nothing at all.

And I see all these married people.  I work with all these married people.  I know all these married people.  I just think... How?  How did you get that far?  Without it just turning to awkward nothing ness.  Or without the other person deciding they wanted someone else.  Or without you just having to break it off because you just don't feel anything for that person.

Maybe I just haven't met the right person.  That's what everyone says.  They keep telling me... No no, when you meet the right person, you two will be inseparable.  You'll hear each other's thoughts inside each other's heads.  You'll go to text that person and they will already have texted back.  You'll just feel like a giant rope is wrapped around both your hearts and you won't be able to stop it from pulling you both in together tighter and tighter.  Until you're just two hearts beating as one.

I guess.  I guess I just haven't met the right person then.  Because so far the closest I had to feeling someone else soul tethered to mine... was a girl that read my twitter and blog on the regular.  I guess even that is over now.  I don't know... who knows.  Like I said, the last I heard she was all sparks and lovey dovey with some "keeper" and I stopped keeping up with her stuff myself.

I think the worst feeling in the world... is wanting someone that wants someone else.  There is no worse feeling, as far as I've experienced on this planet.... than liking someone that likes someone else.

That's when you are just like, I don't want to know.  I'd rather just not know.  Blah.

Hmmm... so here I am with nothing.  No one to be roped to.  Just my heart with a rope swinging around with no one on the other side.

I go on all these dates.  I feel nothing.  I go out places, bars... events.... I hang out with friends, get introduced to their friends...

Still nothing.

I go to yoga, the gym... I go to coffee shops.  I do it all.  Everywhere and anywhere I could possible just cross paths with any other single girl.

Nothing.

33... Single...

I've got nothing.

I'm not in love, and it sucks.  Everyone else is happily married, and they are just like... Oh you just have to (insert piece of dating advice here) that's how I met my (insert husband/wife's name here).

None of it works.

So I don't know.  Maybe love just isn't in the cards for me.  I've often thought about that.  Or maybe... the person you end up with isn't someone that you actually have feelings for .  You just  find someone and go with it.

Maybe after just spending time with someone for a while you start to feel something...

But I'm not convinced about that.  That doesn't explain people that break up after many years of dating, or divorce.  If all it took was spending time with someone to fall in love... What happened there?  If you spend TOO much time do you then fall out of love?

Spend time... but not too much time.

I seriously have heard and tried a million different ways... none of it has worked.

So I don't know.  Here I am waiting... for a girl.  I don't know her name... I don't know anything about her... I don't even know if she actually exists.  I sure hope she does.  But... it's starting to feel like I'm sitting at the station waiting for a train that doesn't seem to be coming.

And each minute that goes by... Just starts to seem like... I've been stood up by the love train.  Wrong set of tracks maybe.  Maybe it passed me by?  I don't know.  I keep saying, I give up.  But I don't really... I want love dammit!  It just seems so unfair that everyone else has it.

I feel like I should be able to be with someone that I have genuine feelings for and wants to be with me. I shouldn't have to settle for something that might be love, but we're both not sure if it is or not.

"Do you feel something?"

"Yeah I...  I think so?  How about you?"

"Yeah?  I'm not sure.... I think?  How long does it take until we know?"

"Hmmm... I don't know?  Maybe we just have to keep kissing or something.  And then we'll start to feel something."

"Ok... do you want to kiss?"

"Sure."

"Anything?"

"I think so?  Wait there... no... sorry, that was indigestion."

"Damn.  This isn't working is it?"

"No."

I'm not in love.  Not even a little bit.  Not even a crush on anyone.  Just nothing.  Sigh.  Nothing.

I feel like it's my fault.  Like I'm the one that can't make myself feel anything.  But everyone just keeps saying... no no, it's because you just haven't met the right one yet.

Love.  Who knows.  Maybe some day I'll get to experience it too.  I sure hope so.  I'm just so envious and jealous of those people that do have it.  Those people that made it.  That found one another.  I don't know how you did it.  If you made it happen by some special technique of how to fall in love... or if you got lucky and just ran into the "right" person.  Whatever the secret... I don't know how you did it.  But I wish I could just hurry up and find that too.