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Reading through old texts, IMs and emails.

Last night I was reading through old texts, IMs and emails from a girl I TOTALLY fell in love with in the spring of 2010.  I'll tell you the moment I fell... the EXACT moment.  It was when I asked her if she wanted to see each other for a second date while standing outside of the place we had dinner on the first date and she said yes.  The first date you say?  Yea, I knew right then that she was something different from all the other girls I've ever dated or been on dates with.  She still is something else if you ask me.

Anyways it was just this pull, or ping in my heart.  You feel it like a double take.  It's like nothing I'd ever felt before, or have felt since.

So I'm reading through all the early communication between us and I realized we had real amazingly crazy awesome chemistry.  I mean... ok this was before I made the first of many mistakes and the chemistry kinda got toned down... but we had some serious chemistry going on!  Then last night it hit me: with the right person love is easy like that and the chemistry just flows.  I mean as far as all the dates I've ever been on, and it's been quite a few, most of those dates it almost feels just like what it is, trying to make feelings happen.  Almost like pedaling up a BIG hill on a bike... it's just a lot of energy put out but not feeling like you'll ever get the rush of flying down the other side of the hill  (at least that's what it feels like to me).  And I try to keep it going and see if it will turn into something.... I guess that's almost a mean way to say it... but when I'm on  a date with the wrong person... it just feels like work to keep things and the conversation going.

But I've realized with the right person, like the girl I met in the spring of 2010, you just know.  You know RIGHT from the start.  You know immediately.  You joke with each other right away, you laugh, you feel completely comfortable being with that person!  And time just zooms by so quick!  A few hours seem like a few minutes and you just wish that night would last forever.

You don't need to "warm up" to the person.  It doesn't take days, or weeks, or months to finally fall in love.  It happens from the very moment you meet each other.  The very moment you finally cross paths with each other.

Even from our first emails, texts and IM's... WHOA... our conversation was soooooooo easy.  Even a few days in we were finishing each others thoughts on IM.  That's how you know you are compatible with each other.  And we were really compatible.  I think we could have had something amazing if I hadn't messed it up.  And I will immediately say it's 100 percent my fault that we aren't Beyonce style crazy in love right now.

I know what I did wrong and I'll fess up to it and take 100 percent of the blame.

My thing isn't that I think me and her are soul mates and we should definitely be together... who knows, maybe we'll meet up again down the road....

Maybe not.

Gosh do I wish we could though.  I wish it pretty much every single day of my life.  I think about that girl every waking moment, and dream about her in most of the sleeping moments too (in a cute funny dream about her smile and her laugh kinda way).

But things are how they are because of my mistakes.  So I have to be ok with the future.  But I think what it has definitely made me realize is that with that right person, you know from the very first exchange of messages, or the very first time you see them standing outside the coffee shop looking all kinds of cute waiting for you as you are walking up.  You get immediate butterflies.  And by the end of that first dinner date you both decided to continue on to after the coffee...

You're already head over heels.