Evening Program
EP as it's called at camp for short. Evening Program is basically what happens after dinner at my camp. I went to a coed teen camp when I was a teen, and then worked there later. I still go up every June to help out for a week or so. Each night they would have this thing called EP, which was more or less just a way to keep the teens out of trouble and entertained in the evening hours. Also it's fun. I remember from both sides as a camper and then as a counselor. Sure, some nights were a snooze and I'd just be sitting there with a book waiting for the 2 hours to pass. And chatting with some of my other friends. I believe I had my 3rd or 4th kiss during an evening program as well. I remember it as if it were yesterday. The nervousness of idling chatting before it happened. Us getting closer and closer. Our hands touching... Finally we were lip-locked... Then suddenly a flashlight of a counselor in our faces pulling the two of us apart.
Ah yes. Those awkward teenage years filled with summer camp kisses.
Good times.
So, I'm on a quest to recreate Evening Program or EP from camp. At my other camp it was called Evening Activity. Various camps call it various different things. But I think EP works.
The camp evening programs are along the following types of events:
Themed Dances
Casino Night
Open Mic
Camp Fire
Beach Party
Movie Under the Stars
Lip Sync Night
Live Dance (where the camper bands play songs they rehearsed all summer in a live show, it's kind of awesome)
So my goal is to recreate Evening Program but for 20 and 30 somethings. Maybe every Friday night. Or Saturday night.
Last week my EP was karaoke at the Tavern pub in the Radisson hotel in Valley Forge. I didn't actually sing. But there were some other darn great karaokers. This week will be a night of jazz and wine and fine art as I go to art after 5 at the art museum. I've done this before. One time I ran into some work people. Another time I ran into a girl that I had gone on a date with some years before. Then we decided to head over to Spruce Harbor pop up park after. That was fun too. If I remember correctly... We had a fun time and had planned to get together again after the museum/spruce harbor park night... But we both assumed we had each other's contact info still... And then didn't.
SO we had no way of contacting one another and never saw each other again. Seriously, my life is like a romantic comedy sometimes.
Oh, I should add Spruce Harbor park to my EP list. Totally.
Anyways, I'm looking for more fun places and things to add to the list. I've got Morgans Pier. Dave and Busters. A movie at Penns Woods Winery. I also want to look up other summer outdoor movies. I'm sure there's a whole slew of them.
As I find things and experience them I'll make sure to post anything juicy that happens here. If anyone has any good feel free to contact me! I'm all for any kind of fun Philly Spring things. SO, let this be the summer of fun and festivals and possibly flings and who knows what other fun fantastic things.
May 23rd
This is just a super quick little blog post. Apparently... I have a show. I probably should be promoting it more but I'm not sure if I really want the whole place to be jam packed really since I haven't played a show in forever. But I'm excited about playing a show. I think it will be a lot of fun. I'm going to be playing for about a half hour. It's just at the Pickering Creek Inn... It's the variety show that my friend Melissa runs, the girl that I gave out free hugs with. She asked me to play one of the spots for that night. Soo woooo! I've been practicing and trying to figure out a set list for that show. It should be fun.
As far as playing live goes... I've been playing some open mics recently, trying to ease my way back into it, but they only give you two songs. With two songs, by the time you are getting warmed up, it's all over. I feel as though having an entire show spot to play several songs will be a pretty cool time and really allow me to have some fun on stage and really get into it. So there ya go. Baby steps. Isn't that the phrase? Baby steps. Maybe I'll start booking more and more shows. We'll see. I really also want to start woking on recording more and finish a new song. I haven't finished a song in a while. I do have some more song recordings that I've been working on so I'm hoping that I can finish another one soon and get back to posting more new material as well as playing the older stuff live. Anyways, that's the plan. So there ya go. A live show. Come May 23rd I'll be strumming my guitar and singing out several of my songs.
There Has To Be A Catch
Alright, so... I'm painfully single. It's probably my own fault for not just kind of going with someone even though I don't really have much in the way of feelings or interest for her. The med student girl would have been this girl... I liked her. Johanna was her name. I suppose I liked her a lot. But she didn't pass the ex girlfriend wedding crash first date future wedding scene scenario. So... I ended it. When I probably shouldn't have. I mean... I guess I have this silly idea that you should have that moment midway through the date where you stop and go... I want to see more of this person. Even though I'm still on the first date.
I've felt this before. So, I know that it exists.
It's like that moment for girls when they start twirling their hair. They realize that this guy is a keeper. They think to themselves... Okay there has to be a catch... Could this guy be a catch? Or is he a creeper with a catch?
I feel like I want to really feel genuinely about a girl. That she's a catch. I mean yes, I'm sure there are couples out there that just decide to forgo those feelings. I just can't bring myself to do that yet. Maybe it's because... I've felt it before, you know?
Maybe it's because in my past... I had someone that every word out of her mouth made me go... Yes, tell me more. I'm hooked on your brand and I want more of you.
And each thing she said made me go... Oh snap! I'm digging that TOO. You basically haven't said anything that I don't find cute or attractive, or to be my style.
I know, it's rare. I mean... More than likely I'll keep doing this dating thing another year or two and then when I'm 35 probably I'll just basically be hanging out with some friend of mine and she'll hint that she likes me and I'll think to myself I REALLY don't want to date anymore...
And I'll just go with her. That makes me sad though! I don't know. Maybe it's not sad. Maybe that's love for some people. Maybe some people get that storybook ending where they get to post a photo of their engagement ring on their finger to Facebook and they get to be excited about it and they love their life and they pinch themselves and think...
There has to be a catch. This can't really be my life! I can't love my job, my apartment, and my now fiancé. HOW did this happen?
I want that. Well in that scenario it's a girl swooning about a boy. But in my scenario I would have just proposed to a girl that I'm madly in love with. And I'll have a status on my Facebook that says something like...
"SHE SAID YES!"
and all of my friends will like that status and comment congrats and SO happy for the two of you!
I mean... How can you get that scenario when you just decide to date someone that you don't actually find all that attractive? And when I say attractive I'm not really just talking about physically. Yes, fine physical is nice... Although to be honest my physical isn't the norm... I generally date girls that are like a size 10 or 14 ish. I don't know... I've always found that more attractive.
Curvy or whatever you want to call it. Not to say I don't find a petite size attractive. One of my mom's nurses in the ICU was super cute. I definitely had a crush on her, she was tiny. She gave me a hug one night as I was leaving and I don't know... I probably wanted to ask her for her number, but knew it wasn't the time nor place nor mental state of mind to ask for such a thing.
But then in the coffee shop the other day there was a girl that was probably more like a size 16 or possibly 18 that I was just like wow. She's SOOOO cute.
So physically it doesn't matter. And even cute is relative. I mean, I'm a sucker for those green eyes. Native American lineage with green eyes? That's actually sucked me in twice. One girl in college and then that one girl in 2010 that just really caught my heart completely off guard and I've never been the same ever since I met her... Or whatever, but it doesn't matter. She can look nerdy... Or even dolled up with lots of make up.
I mean to me? It's mostly about their personality and what's between the ears. SMARTS do it for me. And not just smarts but unique quirky personalities. Funny. North Jersey girls always seem to strike me and capture my attention. I think it's because people that move to NYC possibly hoping to get into acting have that outgoing sense of humor personality... They never make it in acting but they move to North Jersey to get out of the city once they want to settle down and have kids and families.
Then... Those kids grow up... That's why people in North Jersey or from there have super funny interesting cool personalities. Maybe not. Thats just a personal theory and probably completely wrong.
Anyone that knows me knows I'm so full of crap most of the time and I make sweeping generalized blanket statements that are often offensive...
Because I'm a stupid boy. This is what drove away one of the most amazing girls I've ever met that just really completely made me fall head over heels. She had me soooo hard. Eh, who am I kidding, if she showed up at my door tomorrow I'd be like... Hi. Yes. I can't say no to you. Ever.
Seriously, she could show up at my wedding in the future and I'd be like... "Stop the wedding. I have to go talk to that girl over there."
And the bride would be like "But we're in the middle of the vows--"
"Yeah, I know, I'll be right back."
I know.... I'm an ass. But it's her! I can't just... NOT go say hello. Plus if she did crash my wedding she knows what she's doing. She wants me to come over and say hello. She's doing it on purpose. No one crashes their exes wedding in THAT dress and hair and make up and nails and shoes... THOSE SHOES! WOW. I can't. I just can't.
Sorry you guys out there can't see this fictional scenario. But in my head, you should see this dress and these shoes she's wearing. Everyone at the wedding has already turned their heads to look at this stunningly beautiful fashionably late guest.
As I was saying... I just want to have that kind of first date. I want to have a first date that leads to a wedding where I wouldn't even look up or break eye contact with the girl I'm standing before to look at my ex walking down the aisle like she owns the place.
Guests turning their heads one by one wondering who this person is. Every click of her high heel as she walks down the aisle towards an empty seat.
I don't even look. I know she's there and I don't even look because I'm concentrated on this one in front of me and thinking about that first date when we both started to twirl our hair midway through the date because we were thinking HOLD everything... This one might be a keeper.
Well she was twirling her hair, I was just kind of... Nervously laughing hoping that she'd be interested in a second date.
But instead every first date I go on, I think about that one first date that I DID feel that.
Sigh. And I think to myself that if we ever made it to a wedding... I'd be looking around hoping for my ex to walk in and give me an excuse to walk out. And when she didn't show. When they asked "And do you Kenny take...."
I'd hesitate. In my head, I'd say... I guess. It's not like there's anyone else.
And that just makes me sad. Because what if she's thinking YES YES YES in her head.
I feel bad RIGHT NOW even thinking about that fictional future day.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... I don't know what to do anymore with dating. I don't know what to do. I don't know at all.
I'd rather just stay single than to falsely ever have to utter the words "I love you" to a girl... And not truly mean them. Not mean them completely without a doubt in my mind. With out saying.... "I love you, but..."
and then wanting to check my phone to hope there's a text from HER, that ex that I secretly wished it could have worked out with so long ago, saying... Hey, I just broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn't stop thinking about you and... I want to see you.
Which she would NEVER in a million years ever text me something like that. I'm fairly certain of that because my feelings for her aren't mutual and she never fell in love with me like I did for her.
In the case of that one girl that I just couldn't get enough of on that first date and I didn't want the first date to ever end... She was thinking of another guy the whole time. She was hoping he would text her.
In her future scenario... at our future wedding in her mind on that first date...
She was hoping her ex would wedding crash our vows.
I don't know. But maybe everyone is secretly hoping their ex would wedding crash their vows on that first date future wedding scene.
Everyone does a first date future wedding right? It's not just me that does this right?
Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I need to stop visualizing a first date future wedding scene half way through my first dates.
Well anyways. I don't know. I'm just going to end it on that. I don't know anymore. Dating just confuses me. Love confuses me.
And I don't know WHY I fell so hard for that one girl... But damn, I did. On that first date future wedding scene... I was saying YES so hard during the vows scene... and I wasn't even paying any attention to my ex walking up the aisle calling my name trying to distract me from her.
She passed the first date future wedding scenario ex crashes the wedding vows test with flying colors.
I just want to meet someone like that again. Someone that passes that test.
There has to be a catch out there somewhere. A catch, that doesn't have a catch. And I can be her keeper not become some ex-boyfriend that's now just a creeper.
Lava Ass
SO this morning I'm trying a new coffee out. I like it. It's dark, and intense.... I like it a lot actually. I'm all about dark and intense things. A girl once told me she was dark and twisty before I dated her as we were sitting there on her couch talking about things before we decided to make the dating all official and what not, she was referring to her mind (I wasn't trying to date an over cooked pretzel, that would also be dark and twisty, I guess)... Well I dated her anyways. That dark and twisty mind that I couldn't get enough of all the time. She wasn't THAT dark or twisty. I think she just said it to be funny. Or she was referring to her sense of humor. I'm fairly certain she was referring to her sense of humor now that I look back on it.
Anyways apparently this brand is, like, the official coffee of Italy or something to that effect. I've never had it before. I've never been to Italy either. So I wouldn't know. For all I know no one in Italy even likes this brand of coffee. They are just like "You Americans drinking your stupid wanna be Italian coffee! You fools! THIS IS NOT REAL ITALIAN COFFEE. THIS IS A MOCKERY!". For all I know that's what the Italians might say about this brand. Until I learn otherwise I'll just believe the label. Maybe one of these days I'll have to visit Italy. Perhaps I'll mix and mingle with some local Italians of the single kind and have a fine time. Excussie! CHOW! Or ciao. Or however it's spelled. I love the over exaggerated hand motions that Italians make too. They're my kind of people.
I'll ask them if this is actually popular in Italy or if it's totally bogus and just a marketing gimmick to sell more of it in America. I'll keep everyone posted on my findings.
I bought this coffee the other day to add to my coffee rotation. I generally keep 3 or 4 bags and each morning I move the front to the back after I make my morning coffee to take to work. I scoop out a couple scoops from the front bag and rotate up to a new coffee. Once one runs out, I buy another one and it goes into the rotation. I guess I have coffee ADD and get bored drinking the same one every morning over and over again.
When I first picked up the bag, I read it as... Lava Ass. And I was like... "Yeah, sure, I'll try some Lava Ass coffee."
#AssOfTheLavaForMyMorningJava
(If you click on that hashtag you'll see my Facebook post. Kind of neat. I'm the only one using that hashtag on ALL of Facebook. #Firsties #IJustMadeUpFirstiesAsAHastag #ProbablyTheFirstToUseFirstiesAsWell)
This is my kind of coffee for sure. I love the intensity of it. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, or coffee, because it's not tea, it's coffee! But, I say give it a shot if you're feeling risky or adventurous with your taste buds.
Well anyways here's the coffee....
http://www.lavazza.us/us/products/blends/coffee/perfetto/
Super Long Post…
I just wrote this entire blog post that was like 8 pages... But deleted it all. I guess I'm the only one that will know the will ever know the contents of that post.
It was a super long post about a lot of stuff on my mind. I don't know. It was nice to get it off my mind I will say that. And then when I finished it, I hit the "Move to Trash" button.
Let's just say it was about people that I've met in life. And it was about life in general. And emotions and feelings. And... I just pretty much everything on my mind and my life pretty much from almost my earliest memory to tonight hanging out watching some karaoke take place.
It was just about...
Life. People. Emotions. Love.
The usual.
Thinking Thoughts
So here's my question... Why is it that there are specific people that keep making their way back into your thoughts? I mean... Some people you just can't forget. You try NOT to think about them. But... They are just always on your mind. I don't know why.
I mean, some people come and go in life. But others are just there on your mind. Whether they stay in your life or not. There's one specific person though that I'm really referring to.
It's kind of ridiculous the amount of times a day this one person crosses my mind. STILL.
And she's been on my mind NON STOP since 2010 when we first crossed paths on this planet... I've never understood why she's been on my mind so much. I have all these various theories about it...
[THEORY ONE: COOL NAME]
Maybe she just had a cool name. She does kind of have a cool name. The first middle and last... It's very polished. It's very fun to say, or think. It just flows in your mind when you say it. The cadence of reciting it.
[THEORY TWO: ONE IN A MILLION BEAUTY]
Maybe it was just because she was over the top ridiculously absolutely the most gorgeous girl I've ever met. I mean... Her selfie game is among the best in the world. Add the fact that she can rock the hair/make up/nails/fashion thing? It's hard for any guy probably to not stop and take a second or one hundredth look. I imagine any time she walks into a room/party/restaurant everyone stops and turns heads. Whoa... Look at her. That was how I always thought of her whenever I saw her. Gorgeous. A bonafide natural beauty. One of a kind.
[THEORY THREE: SOMETHING IN THE FICTIONAL REALM]
Sometimes I delve into the realm of the paranormal and I think about linked up minds. Such as the movies In Your Eyes. Or that Will Ferrell movie where he hears the author in his head. What's funny is the first time I watched that movie I was hanging out with her.
Let's consider linked up thoughts for a moment. Just let me run with this for a moment... So maybe something happened when she started reading my social media (and I reading hers) and sending thoughts in my direction (and me in hers) and now it can't be unlinked?
I KNOW... Yeah, that's a little on the batshit crazy side. But... Who knows?
Let's consider that idea of when you think of someone and then they call. Or... So she's a religious person and I know that she prays. Maybe it's because she prayed for me and opened up some spiritual pathway to God and the heavens forgot to turn off that link when we went our separate ways and stopped being in each other's lives?
I mean who knows how that actually works? If you pray for someone on multiple occasions... Perhaps you open something up. Or perhaps if you just think about someone over and over and they think about you... A link forms.
Consider old married couples. Sometimes they appear to read one another's minds.
I've often toyed with the idea of thought positive minds and thought negative minds. For example, some people broadcast thoughts almost in a way that a bright light shines. Think about the people at a party that are the life of the party. After that party is over you think about them still. You're attracted like a little moth to a light bulb.
Then some people maybe have minds that are ULTRA receptive to the broadcast minds.
Yes, I know... more batshit crazy stuff... Whatever. You know, at this point... I'm willing to consider any kind of theory.
Let's just say that HER mind is ULTRA bright. Obviously she's SUPER smart. I know she's REALLY intelligent. Ask anyone that knows her. They will tell you how witty she is.
Well... Perhaps she's got something else going on. Here's what I know.... She has Native American ancestry. My friend Jess also had Native American ancestry. My friend Jess and I sometimes share the same shared thoughts thing too, although not as strong as what I've felt with this other girl. It has happened so much to us that sometimes we just look at one another and say... What the hell???? That's creepy. There was one time when we actually gave one another goose bumps.
Perhaps there's unknown Native American ancestry somewhere in my line and maybe people of that lineage can form bonds where their minds are able to share thoughts, so to speak. Not that you can HEAR the other person... But you can FEEL their vibe.
I mean... this girl that's ALWAYS On my mind, she has a very intense vibe. When she used to be pleased with something I did, I could feel it. It was like a million suns shining infinite light on you. Her love and admiration is so tangible. Her caring thoughts and compassion is like a flood.
I bet if you asked any of her family, or friends, or coworkers or current or past lovers...
They would tell you about it. Her feelings and thoughts towards you are so strong, so thick, they are almost tangible. You feel her emotions inside your own mind.
And when she's angry... Oh she's angry. She's FURIOUS! Oh you feel it. You feel it so hard that your feet tingle and your stomach twists. Her anger towards you is like a thousand knives cutting deep.
When we were in the thick of me posting these blogs and her reading them. And me tweeting and her reading it... I could feel her reactions to my posts. Her thoughts were inside my own thoughts. I'd never experienced anything like it with anyone else so far on this planet and in my existence.
I've never met someone with such an emotional range and depth of feelings and thoughts that could be almost broadcast into the minds of anyone she encounters. Or maybe just me, I guess. I don't really know what other people think or feel about her. Except one person... her old room mate. Who claimed some of the same sensations as me. But maybe me and the roomie are just crazy. I don't know. I'm willing to accept that as a possible explanation.
Or perhaps not crazy per say but maybe just imaginative or significantly more sensitive to people.
I mean ok maybe family, or friends, or coworkers or her current or past lovers don't feel it the way I do. Maybe they don't have the same minds that are able to be receptive to her thoughts... I don't really know.
And yes, I'm wiling to accept it's all in my head. But there were times where I could literally feel her reading my blog, and I'd log into the real time google analytics to see her hit on my blog minutes after feeling her reaction to what I'd written.
It was an interesting feeling. I've never experienced anything like it before she walked into my life. It was like a heightened sense of awareness. Every single sense goes on overdrive and becomes acute. Sounds and colors pop. Just for that time that her thoughts are directed towards you. Then when she turns her thoughts to someone else...
It's like withdrawal. You can almost feel the thoughts leaving yours and swiveling to someone else. And sometimes that connection would stay for a little while and I could just feel the love that she felt towards sometime else. The intensity at which she directs her emotions at someone...
I can't describe it really. Her feelings are so thick, and tangible. Whether it's love or hate for someone or something. It's off the charts sometimes. Like a lighthouse light swiveling around and for a moment you're caught in her lighthouse beam of thoughts...
Or perhaps, maybe the connection is something like... Wifi. If you're on two different radio frequencies... The device won't connect. If you have a device meant for 5ghz and the wifi is broadcasting at 2.4 ghz... It won't connect.
But if you have the same frequency. There's a connection. The brain actually works on a very low frequency. And very low frequencies have the ability to travel around the whole planet... HAM radio works using this concept. The lower the frequency the longer the range. Whales also use this.
Let's just hypothesize that we all become friends/lovers... whatever... Because of similar brainwave frequencies. Yes, I know again... Batshit crazy.
But... What if? I mean what if the reason why some people can't stop thinking about one another...
Has some kind of brain wave thought link up thing. It doesn't happen immediately. Perhaps it takes a few months... Or maybe a year or two of someone hitting refresh on a social media feed...
Reading a blog a few times a day. Talking to their friends about the person. And that person talking to others in return about that person.
And maybe me thinking about her and missing her constantly and wishing I could just be in her presence.
I imagine this is something like how families work.
I swear I still think about her just as much at this VERY moment as I have in years past.
It's weird to THINK about her. Because it's not so much as I idly just think about her as...
Like that lighthouse thing... Her thoughts blind my thoughts with their intensity.
Lately I've tried to just kind of ignore it because I know that she doesn't want me in her life... and she's moved on in love and her life has led her in a completely different path than mine.
It's like trying to ignore the lyrics of a familiar song playing in the background. You just kind of want to sing along. But you try to focus on the conversation with the person before you. Even though that song is playing in the background and it's all you can think about.
Hmm... I suppose when I put it that way... It makes me think, maybe she's related to one of the original sirens from greek mythology.
I for one would never be able to resist her in any way shape or form if she ever did contact me.
That mind of hers though. It just fascinates me. As much as I try to ignore the song in my mind... It's always there playing in the background on repeat. The lyrics and music... All too familiar. Always reminding me that there was a time in the past when we had once shared the same path in life.
PHLO!
Phlo. What is Phlo? Maybe it's already a thing... Maybe not. I could probably Google it. But, if it is already a thing, I wouldn't have anything to blog post about on this fine evening. Sure, I could post another blog of the many blogs I've posted in years previous about this fair young lady that once held my heart captive with her beauty and brains and humorous antics and talented photography skills... But... I won't.
Because she no longer holds my heart captive, except for the rare occasion that I hear a song that reminds me of her. Like on Friday when I was siting in Bahama Breeze with my friend Melody enjoying a bomb-dig-gi-ty adult beverage before going to see The Boss and suddenly "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train comes on. And then my first thought is...
Oh, hey, I remember when this one girl, way back when, was in the midst of letting me down easy after our two week stint of attempting to date (AKA breaking my heart because I wanted her like crazy and she was so so about me and she had to let me go go) and this song came on... WAY back in 2010...
There was a brief moment where my heart tugged. And I wished I could have gone back to that moment and figured out the right thing to say or do, or whatever... Or physically morph my body so that she would be like "HEY-OOOO! Who's this cutie suddenly before me? Hubba hubba!"
And then I'll say something like, "Okay, calm down... You're just a little drunk at the moment. I'll return to my normal looking self in a couple hours after your beer goggles wear off."
And then my next thought was, man Bahama Breeze REALLY needs to update their playlist with some newer musics.
And then I thought... Damn these onion rings are bangin' and this drink is DEEEEEElicious.
Of course the song ended and... So did the memory.
Anyways, so what is Phlo? It stands for politely help and love others.
I was just updating my Twitter with some more of this story I've been story tweeting for the better part of 6-8 months when suddenly Flo from Progressive turned into Phlo. Which was going to be a character but I then turned that into an acronym PHLO. Politely Help and Love Others.
When you don't know... Just PHLO. I feel like.... It should be a thing. Or at least a thing I want to start doing. I was thinking about today, how bad things happen to all of us. And they always will. They always have and they always will. The future will be filled with crazy crap to deal with.
I mean, like at the very end of my work day a lady came to me asking for help with scanning things in and word for her thesis. Most of the younger generations don't even give it a second thought. I don't even give it a second thought. This student however, was of a generation that didn't grow up with scanners and Microsoft word. So, I politely helped her. Even though yes, I was just ready to go home after a long day.
After about 15 minutes beyond my usual quitting time, she was finally comfortable enough with how to scan and merge the scans into word for her to add to her thesis-y paper thing. Here's the thing...
That worn out feeling is only temporary. It's transient. Just like feeling any other feeling. Just like any situation. It's all temporary. So... Eventually you'll feel something else and you'll be somewhere else.
Like I sit here eating some left over pizza from last night and relaxing and blogging. Just politely help and love others and afterwards... and take that "blah" feeling and put it aside. Because I can guarantee that at some point down the road when you're in peril. You'll wish for someone to politely help and love you.
Phlo.
So just like in the dragon Twitter story when the dragons are about to have trouble coming their way... They call on a little of that PHLO. Polite help and love from others.
Sometimes it's hard to do in the moment because maybe you're just worn out, or even stressed, or annoyed. But the people asking you for help... Probably aren't doing it to annoy you, or wear you out even more as a joke. They are doing it because they know you know how to do what they don't know how to do.
They want help. They want your expertise. If anything you should be flattered! Again, it's harder in practice than in theory.
Just remember Phlo the next time you are in a station where you just don't really want to help the person asking you for help. Just Phlo it up!
And after it's over and you think back on it... over and over and over and over... and over again...
If you politely helped and loved those others... that memory will echo back exponentially and grow...
If you didn't? That memory will also echo back and grow louder and louder. And each time you revisit that memory...
You'll feel one of two things... Good. Or not so good. I for one do regret each time I didn't Phlo because in that moment I just wanted a nap, or I said to myself I really don't give a crap. And now when I look back...
I wish I had not thought that. I wish I had politely helped and loved others more.
Yes, I know, I'm sure next week I'll just be like... Bah! Screw being polite and helping people and love! But in this moment as I chow on some pizza (probably because I have pizza)... I'm feeling the love and politeness.
Yo, just PHLO, you know?
On that note... Train, if you will... Sing us out please.
Free Hugs
Today I went out to Phoenixville to help my friend Melissa give out free hugs and carnations. It was actually a lot of fun. I had no idea what to expect. I wasn't sure if maybe we'd get arrested or shot or shivved. Or if people would yell at us.
Most people were just like... "What is the meaning of this? And what are you trying to sell me?"
But some people were into it. Some people were like WOOOOO free hug! There were a couple of moments where it really made me smile. Some parts where people jumped up out of their seats to run to us. Other moments where an elderly lady was overtaken with the flowers we gave her and she said that it made her day.
Some people wanted to take photos with us. Others just thought it was fun or cool. The moment that really struck me was outside of Bistro on Bridge.
We happened upon some people there. One lady moved behind this one guy... And she made a signal that he wasn't someone that should get a hug. Why? Who knows. What... Was he from the streets? Smelly? On drugs? Drunk? Going to try and steal from us?
We disregard her 'warning' and hugged him anyways. Obviously... It went fine. He thanked us for the hug. We gave him a flower and a smile. And went on our way.
Whatever the reason this man did not deserve a hug to this other woman... Was exactly the reason why he DID deserve a hug. If he was deemed unhugworthy to someone else because of some possible reason that maybe he was some creep from the streets...
That's EXACTLY why he deserved one. Because the idea behind giving free hugs isn't that some people are worthy of getting a hug and some aren't. It's that EVERYONE is worthy of one. Regardless of any label that anyone could possible think up to place on a person.
It was definitely a very interesting experience. TO me it felt... Amazing. Just to walk around and give out hugs and flowers for no reason? To experience the reactions that people express. Some people just aren't huggers. Which is fine, they don't do well with contact with strangers. Personal space is different for each person. And that's fine. Obviously we just walked around with the signs and let people approach us. If you didn't want a hug or a flower... Or possibly a high five or a handshake... You didn't have to get one. It was up to the people.
Some of the conversations we experienced were that people were amazed we didn't have a reason or agenda behind our actions. There were a couple of people that just thought it was beautiful and the world could use more of it. And that was the exact mission behind it. Just... To raise awareness. Just to break people out of their sleepy daydream lives and make them think about others around them. Or just to say hey... Are you TRUELY happy with your life? The idea that something little like a random hug or a flower can actually brighten someone's day.
It was pretty cool. And it went off without a hitch. Everyone had a good time. We ended the day at Molly Maguire's and had a beer. After that I went on a run and to the store. All in all... It was a pretty fine day.
Do You Ever Just Feel Like There Isn’t Anyone Out There For You?
You know? Like, there's all these couples in love and all these married people with kids. And they seem great and perfect for one another. And then... I go on dates... I've dated people. It always just goes wrong. Either they are moving far away soon. No one ever seems to stay in this area that I start to date. Or they end up choosing someone else instead of me.
I don't know. Or maybe they just kind of stop responding because they just get super busy with life.
All that is fine. I don't care... as the saying goes, it just means they weren't the one... Or there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
But at 33, I feel like... Are there really plenty of other fish? Or are all the fish already all paired off with other fish?
Nothing feels right either. I know, first dates aren't supposed to feel like oh my gosh this is the one. But you can at least feel like you are having a good time. Most of my first dates are just not super fun. It's just... It feels completely wrong. Like this is not the person at all.
I've only been on a handful of first dates that felt right. Or at least felt comfortable. Like I could spend hours more with the person and not think much of it.
But it's not just me... It's the other person. So when I finally do think things might go ok... Even from first messaging on the dating site (99 percent of all my first dates are from online dating because single girls don't seem to go out in public, or if they do, they hide very well because every girl I chat with in public has a boyfriend/husband/is dating someone... etc. etc.).
So they have to be interested in me.
It just feels hopeless. I feel like I'll just end up alone. I don't know. I mean... I'm fine being single. I don't care. It's not the end f the world. But it's just frustrating... Everyone at work is married... Pretty much most of my friends are all like "I FOUND SOMEONE!". It's just annoying to see all these people happy and in love. It's SOOOO ANNOYING. I almost hate them all.
It's like almost hard for me not to just yell shut up to anyone that even mentions their significant other. I know, it's hard not to talk about your significant other because... They are important to you. Fine. I get that. It's just annoying from a single person to hear people talk about their significant others.
I really just want to yell... I don't care. I REALLY don't care about your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend. Stop talking. Now. Just shut up unless you are going to talk about you.
But, I don't say that obviously. I just think it. And I just stand there and let them yammer on about their significant other and keep my annoyed feelings inside and try to pretend like it doesn't bother me.
I just wish I could run into someone that could at least become a girlfriend. I'm not asking for a soulmate or whatever. Just want someone that I feel at least a little excited about. That I could yammer on about in conversation and be the one annoying other single people...
My girlfriend this... My girlfriend that...
That's all I'm asking for. Is to just have someone on my mind. Someone in my heart. Someone I actually want to talk about in conversation.
I'm just tired of first dates that just don't feel right. I'm tired of starting new conversations with people that I know it's just going to end eventually.
I don't know. I just feel like... She's just not out there. That there just isn't anyone for me. At all. It just makes me incredibly sad to think that. I just feel like... living out the rest of my days alone... It just makes me sad. I don't know. That's all. I know there's probably someone out there. And I have to keep hope. But, as I get older... It's just hard to keep that hope going that I will eventually meet someone. And it just makes me even more annoyed/frustrated one someone opens their mouth and says "My girlfriend/my boyfriend/my wife/my husband".
And all I really want to do when they say those words is slap them across the face and yell "SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP! I DON'T CARE!!!"
Obviously I don't. Because it's not their fault they found love. It's my fault that I can't seem to find love. I mean maybe it's not my fault. I don't know. It just feels like it is. It could just be that me and that girl just haven't crossed paths yet. She could be living in Seattle or something... Wondering why all her dates have gone wrong.
It could just be as simple as that. Just need fate to kick in.
I mean you can try as hard as you like with the wrong people, but if they are the wrong people... No amount of effort will ever keep anything going. Eventually it will end because you're just wrong for each other. I don't know. I'm just tired of being the only person without someone. It's just annoying and frustrating.
Last Year I Use Turbo Tax
I'm a little sad. I'm fairly certain this will be the last year I use Turbo Tax for my taxes. I've used them for what seems like FOREVER. Given my financial circumstances.... I'm just going to have to hire a professional accountant to do my taxes for me. It is what it is. My trading is ramping up. The money coming in from my mom's estate and my grandparents trust and the other trust and all of the other things my mom had setup along with my mom's house coming to me... Etc. etc.
It's just too much.
In addition I'm making money now from digital music sales. I work full time in the IT field for my base salary. That part is easy. It's all the other stuff that is complex. If you make money from a W2... And that's it? You're fine. If you make money from 50 million other things... You're not fine.
I also use my vacation from work to consult up in Maine at the summer camp for IT stuff there.
SO basically... Turbo Tax just isn't cutting it anymore. Plus I plan to use the money I'll be receiving from the trust and my mom's estate to increase my investment holdings within my investment portfolio. I also am toying with starting a company to incorporate all of my creative ventures... Books... Music... Whatever. I might get into movie production one day. I don't know what else. Websites and businesses.
I may get into rental property. Who knows what else. If it generates income... It needs to be taxed. And I'm all about doing things that generate income. Obviously the more the better. But who isn't these days?
It's just going to get nuts going forward. And I'm not an accountant. Sooo... I'll need someone to handle this stuff on my behalf. Someone personal and not a computer algorithm that gets stuck when it doesn't know what to do.
I need someone I can call and ask... "Hey what do I do with these CDbaby sales? What do I do with this capital gains sale I made from these 10 stocks. What do I do with this income I got from this trust. What do I do with... etc. etc."
I want an answer from a live person without waiting on hold for 60 minutes. Just like I can email the attorney from my mom's estate and get an email back.
Meanwhile I had to call Turbo Tax support for this one issue I just had and they were good... But... I just think going forward... Next year? And the year after? It's just going to get even more crazy.
I guess it really is, as they say, mo money mo problems. And all I want to do is sleep in and write/record/play music. And write books. And be creative.
And find a girl to date... That would be nice as well. A girl to at least be in a relationship with. That's nearly impossible to find. It's like... everything goes great... Until you ask for any kind of commitment. Or you want to label anything. Or you want to be exclusive. Then she's like... Oh... Um... Well... I mean... I don't know about all of that. I'm just trying to keep things... As they are. It's just tough, the whole dating scene. Everyone wants to "have fun" and no one wants anything beyond that. No one wants relationships or commitment. They just want... "We're just hanging out, why do we have to take it beyond that? Things are good right now aren't they?". And that's fine. I don't know... I look at married people and I'm just like... How did they ever get that far? I don't get it. How did they ever convince the other person to want more than just... to hang out and have fun.
Taxes and girls. I need to date/end up with an accountant. That would solve both problems. Two birds with one stone.